What's up with that?

I'm spending a lot of time in fictional worlds, lately.

One is an island--hard to get to, hard to leave.

Another is a rainy town in Washington where Monsters live.

The last is one of my own making--and it's familiar enough, though it's inhabitants exist only in my head.


What is it about Story that sucks me in? It's hard for me to explain. And while I love, LOVE analyzing stories and pulling them to bits with friends, sometimes it's hard for me to express all that rushes through my brain.

I succumbed to peer pressure (well, really friendly recommendations) and started the Twilight series. Several friends (whose other literary interests often coincide with my own) told me I should read them. I resisted for a long time, held back by the hordes of teenaged girls who worship the series and its vampiric hero. Also, I don't like vampires. Never have. Likely never will.

I'm nearly done with the second book now...and I'm sort of starting to see why they are so popular. They are entertaining and well written. I keep going, page after page, even though I think most of the characters are kind of ridiculous. It annoys me that I would keep reading a book in which I don't care about most of the characters. Hopefully they will grow and develop some.

The narrator, Bella, is absurd and naive. A typical teenager? Maybe. I hope not. Edward, the guy she falls for (along with half the teenage girls in the country) is not only a vampire, he's practically perfect. Or at least, a representation of perfection. I find him mostly annoying. I think their interest in each other is shallow, even though it's meant to be deep and profound.

It might not bug me so much if I wasn't working on a story of my own with similar-ish themes. (No vampires. I prefer superheroes.) But I don't want it to be all tingles and meaningful gazes. I've been wrestling with this a lot lately. I feel like I'm straddling a fence here--both enjoying the story, and yet, being frusterated by it so far. Wanting my own writing to be both appealing, but deep. (Is that even possible??)

Anyway. I just had to vent a little. It's not like I picked them up because I thought I'd enjoy them. I wanted to know what everyone was talking about, and I wanted to check out the "competition." So to speak.

But I find that I have very little patience with fictional characters. It's easier. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings or asking forgiveness. I can just fume and be annoyed by someone who isn't real, while acting that way in real life makes things really complicated.

I wonder, though: am I spending too much time analyzing fictional characters and their stories that I'm neglecting my own? I hope not. My own life is rather complicated at the moment, so escapisim isn't an unnatural reaction. And I want to work on my own writing. It's easy to lose myself in a story of my own making, to plumb the depths of characters I created and am still getting to know.

And the big question on my mind is, "What will people say about my writing?" --That is, if it's ever made available to the greater public. But shouldn't the bigger question be, "What will people say about my life?"

Writing is only one part of my life--granted, it feels like an important part at the moment. But there are other things I want, too: a simple, healthy, natural, debt-free life. I'm trying to work on all those things, too. But a lot of that can't be scripted, no matter how much I would like it to be.

A life like that flows out of big and small moments alike and is shaped by every choice I make. I don't want to be Bella, centering my whole life around one desire (in her case, to be with Edward!) unless that desire is from God, and for God. But the moments slip away, and sometimes I can't see where my own story will end up. Most of the time, I can't even see the next paragraph, let alone chapter.

This is kind of a weird, long, random post, and for that I apologize. Perhaps next time I won't be so scattered.

Updates, Theories, and a Challenge

So! I've been bad about blogging. I would like to blame it on twitter, which I just signed up for...but I just signed up for it Tuesday. Twitter is one of those geek chic sites all about "letting people know" what's "going on." Kind of like your facebook or myspace status. As if anyone cares! But I do...and now I can check from my phone.

Yes, I'm a geek. Been wallowing in geekiness this week, with Twitter...and Lost.

Years ago, I used to talk about Lost a lot. In the first season, I was ALL OVER the message boards. I'd never been so wrapped up in a show before (except possibly MacGyver). You never knew what was going to happen week to week. Each episode was a constant surprise. Polar bears? A fugitive? Sun speaks english? That first season was amazing, and I put a lot of mental energy into trying to figure things out.

As the show went on, though, it wasn't always so action and question packed. I stopped looking up theories and spoilers. I began to get wrapped up in other shows, too--but I stuck it out with Lost. This season it's paying off. So much crazy stuff is going on! I mean, crazy, time-traveling stuff. It's awesome.

I started looking up theories again. Went to Lostpedia.com to try to make sense of the giant statue in last week's ep, and subsequently went crazy when I saw all the Egyptian symbols and connections. I've since been thinking about Lost almost constantly. I wish I could say I have a theory of my own...but I haven't fleshed anything out yet. My friend Sara thinks the island is Eden. Someone on abc.com posted a theory about it being an alien vessel. I had a thought about it being Atlantis.

All I really have figured out is that there are two opposing forces at work on the island. I'm not even sure who is on what side, or what either side wants. But there have been too many inconsitant messages through out the series--a recent example: Kate, in the present and off the island, gets a phone call in the middle of the night. She hears a garbled message--that when played back, said something like, "You need to go back."
Then she hears a noise in Aaron's room, grabs a gun, and opens the door to see Claire, saying "Don't you DARE bring him back!" And she wakes up. Two very opposite messages.

At the begining of the show, Locke talked a bit about dark and light and "sides." Since Ben's appearance, the idea of sides hasn't gone away, just gotten fuzzy. He's so slippery and keeps flipping things, insisting he's the good guy, all while manipulating everyone to get his way. Lately, he's pitted himself agains Widmore, and they're both claiming to have the island's best interests at heart. Who knows, really? I don't like either one! Anyway, that's all I have. I'm still formulating. I think it would help if I knew a little bit more about Jacob and Richard.

If you have theories, PLEASE feel free to share them here. Once upon a time, Brianne & I had a whole blog dedicated just to Lost, but I deleted it. She didn't watch as much, and I didn't have a lot to say about it. But now I'm really anxious to start talking about it again!!

One last thing, completely unrelated: My friend Wendy, who is very craft-y, posted the following challenge on facebook. I decided to take her up on it, so I'm doing my part by reposting. See what you think!

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me!
My choice. For you.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

• - What I create will be just for you.
• - I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
• - You will receive your item before the end of the year (or sooner).
• - You will have no clue what the item is going to be. It could be a story or a cd. It could be a piece of handmade jewelry or potholder. I may draw, paint, collage or knit something. I might bake you something and mail it to you. I may grow you a plant. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
• - I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that in order to receive a gift, you have to repost this and make and send out five surprises of your own, so if you aren't gonna follow through and make something for five others, you get nothing from me.

Sounds fun, huh? Let me know if you're interested.

Peace, love, and LOST.

I Yield

So, if you know me, if you've spent any time at all with me or talking to me in the last three months or so, you know that I've been stressed. About a lot of things. My future, my purpose; I'm looking for a new job; my finances...all these things keep piling up in my head. All I've been able to see on the horizon is a giant question mark, and it's been driving me crazy.

So, I do what most people do. I make lists. I try to plan out a strategy. I ask people's advice. I do internet searches. I fill out applications; I try not to spend money on frivolous things. Oh, and I pray.

I've been keeping a journal since the beginning of the year (well, longer than that, but this one with renewed consistency). And so many entries revolve around the question of where my life is going. I keep crying out to God: Show me! Tell me! Speak to me! Reveal Your plan!

I don't have any answers. It's not that God has been silent. I've heard His voice on other, smaller matters. ie, Should I go to Branson? Yes.

And then, I've heard him speak to me in another way. Through the wisdom and insight of others. There's been a theme in my life lately. An idea, that God has been shaping. I talked in my last post about hearing God's song and being in tune with Him--but that presupposes that I AM listening.

Last weekend was Jubilee, a conference hosted by CCO, an organization my dad and friend Wendy work for. I went a few years back and blogged about it. This year I went again--but just to the (free) Sunday session. And perhaps because it was Sunday, the theme of the day seemed to be about Sabbath. Lauren Winner returned to Jubilee (the last time she spoke here was when I was there before and kind of made an idiot of myself to her!) and talked about the Jewish rhythms and purposes of keeping the Sabbath.

And it occurred to me that not only do I not keep a Sabbath day, the time I use to "relax" isn't really a kind of Sabbath rest, either. Because when I get home, I like to chill. You know? Grab some dinner, watch TV, mess around online. And I'm not saying all of those activities are always purposeless. But though I have spent days (even recent days, due to being sick) doing relatively little, I still don't know what it is like to take a Sabbath. To set aside a day in which I do not work, or create anything, and I do not fill the the silence.

Yesterday I was listening to a couple of Ransomed Heart podcasts, and John Eldredge was (appropriately!) talking about hearing God. And he stressed the idea that if you are caught up in the urgency of the moment, of needing an immediate answer from God, then you will most likely not be able to hear Him. I think you can see where I'm going with this. So Eldredge says the attitude needs to be one of openness, humility. Yielding.

Which is kind of the opposite of what I've been doing.

I mean, I try to have the posture of one who understands how dependent she is on God for all the good things in her life. But somehow, urgency begins to crowd all of that out. Daily--sometimes hourly--I have to readjust my attitude. Lately, I've found Jon Foreman's song "Your Love is Strong" to be helpful. Because panic sets in all too quickly, till all I can see and hear is chaos and confusion. And then JF sings,

"So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need,
You know what I need.
Your love is,
Your love is,
Your love is, Strong."

Actually, I've been listening to all four of Jon Foreman's Eps a lot lately, and found them to be very healing. If you don't know, he's the lead singer of Switchfoot (currently my favorite band) and he put out four short cds, one for each season: Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. (He also collaborated on a project called Fiction Family with Nickel Creek's Sean Watkins, and I've been digging that cd, too. Wendy & E & I saw them in concert at Grove City College a couple weeks back, but that's another story.) He's just incredibly honest and yet hopeful at the same time, and the songs have been speaking to me.

Well, God has. If I just take the time to listen. If I quiet my heart and the desperate questions clamoring to be answered.

If I yield.