The Wood Between the Worlds

In C. S. Lewis' book "The Magician's Nephew" he describes how Narnia first came to be, and who the first people from our world were to see it.  But before the main characters Diggory and Polly get there, they travel to an in-between place, which Lewis called 'The Wood Between the Worlds.'  In that place, both children find themselves drowsy and forgetful.  They lose all sense of who they are, where they came from, and what they were doing.  They can't even recall where they were going, and have trouble figuring out how to get there.

I can relate.  How about you?

One of the things I love so much about those books is how little scenes like the one I described help me make sense of my own life.  Recently, my women's small group has been looking at The Chronicles of Narnia and finding how they tie into and reflect stories and truths found in scripture.*  Naturally, I've been enjoying it.

It's always been surprisingly easy for me to find a story to illustrate and explain things in my own life, though I don't always make use of it.  Tonight, however, I was realizing how I've been stuck in the WBW.

I don't know what it is, but I find myself falling into old habits that get me nowhere, when I have things to do that will get me to Ireland.  I can't exactly blame my job, because it's a small part of my day.  I can't even blame TV or my cycle of staying up too late and sleeping in, because those are symptoms, not the cause.  I feel like I'm in a drowsy, lazy fog like the one Diggory and Polly encountered.  And it's been keeping me from remembering my urgent task of preparing to go to Ireland.

To be fair, I do want to balance out working toward the future with living in the moment, but that's not really what I've been doing.  I've been stalling.  Dragging my feet.  And I'm not even entirely sure why.  Maybe I'm a little scared and daunted by the tasks ahead, like the large amount of support I need to raise.  Maybe it seems too far away (it's not).  Maybe I've just let myself get distracted.

But now that I've remembered who I am, where I'm going, and what I need to be doing, maybe I'll find my way out of the WBW quickly.  I could really use prayer to help me work faithfully at the tasks I've been given....One of the other Narnian tidbits that's given me a visual image came from our study: In "The Horse and His Boy," Shasta meets Aslan at the end and discovers that He was the same lion who had been chasing/helping him and his companions throughout their journey.  Being chased by a lion gave the four friends quite a fright, but it also motivated them to RUN and get to their destination just when they were growing weary.  Aslan called it "strength through fear" and I suppose I'd rather have it that way than "weakness from fear," which is more like what I've been experiencing.

So there you have it: Ireland is like my Narnia (interesting, because Lewis was born in Ireland) and I have obstacles to overcome with "Aslan's" help.  And yours!--Thanks for reading, and for your prayers.

*--By this I don't mean that I believe that everything Lewis wrote in CoN was an allegorical representation of someone or something in scripture.  The fact that the books reflect some of those truths and stories is just good story telling.  All great stories borrow their power from the One True Story.

Third Culture Kid

By now many of my few but faithful readers will likely have heard the news that I have been accepted as a missionary to Ireland with World Harvest Mission.  This was the result of not only a long application process and years of interest, but a recent trip to Philadelphia for a conference at WHM headquarters called "A&O" week.

A&O stands for "Assessment and Orientation."  The first half of the week. we were interviewed, and after we were accepted, the rest of the week was spent in orientation.  The whole process was really good in many ways; I feel like I've found a really good organization.  There is a lot that i could talk about (and probably will eventually), but there was one session in particular that struck me.

Though we went through five interviews, including one which covered the results of our psych and personality profile tests, most of what I talked about in those times were things I already knew about myself.  In one interview, however, after recounting all the places I'd lived in chronological order, someone remarked, "You're really kind of a Third Culture Kid, aren't you?" I had no idea what he meant; I'd never heard the term before that I could recall.

So when we had a session on Third Culture Kids (or TCKs) our last day, I was totally caught off guard.  Though the term TCK has come to replace MKs in many circles, and generally refers to kids who have grown up in another country, it's really about cultures.  Psychology Wiki lists the definition as follows: Third Culture Kids (abbreviated TCKs or 3CKs or Global Nomad) "refers to someone who [as a child] has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture."

Okay, you're saying to yourself, interesting, but what does that even mean?

Since I grew up in the many different cultures that make up the US, moving every few years and never really settling down, there are a lot of ways in which I myself am an adult TCK (ATCK).  I just didn't know it until now.  I knew that moving around all that time had shaped me in a lot of ways, but I didn't know there was this whole group of people out there who feel into the same category and had the same struggles.  When our facilitator listed the strengths and weaknesses that many TCKs have, I felt a little like I'd just discovered I had a medical syndrome I didn't know existed.

One site I went to looking for links and info today suggested that I'm actually either a "Domestic" TCK or a Cross Cultural Kid (CCK).  Either way, the point is, my many uprooting and cultural experiences had an effect on me.  It shaped me into who I am today: a woman who cares about many cultures and places, but can't decide where to say she is "from." Here are some other characteristics:

• Make great culture bridges. They have multiple frames of reference.
  
  
• Excellent observers of other people. They can be very observant and sensitive.
  
  
• Establish relationships quickly. They cut through many of the initial levels of diffidence when forming relationships.
  
  
• Open-minded and less prejudiced.
  
  
• Adapt quickly to unfamiliar countries and people, culturally astute, cross-culturally enriched.
  
  
• More welcoming of newcomers into a community.
  
  
• Educational achievers - a high percentage will attend university and obtain advanced degrees.
  
  
• Live more in the present and for the moment. (Pollock, 1999)

And here are some challenges:

1. Belonging everywhere and nowhere. The elusive concept of "Where is home?"
   
   
2. Difficulty with commitment to people, places, schools, or school systems as these constantly change.
   
   
3. Uncertain cultural identity.
   
   
4. Problems with decision-making.
   
   
5. Loss of relationships, community, school is a loss of their world.
   
   
6. Feeling different from others, difficult in forming peer relationships; occurs more often at university level or when returning to "passport" country, where they are misunderstood by their peers.
   
   
7. Rootlessness and restlessness. The frequent need to change countries and homes.
   
   
8. Feeling "Out of Control" and Powerless. A feeling that they have no control over events and that these are often taken out of their hands anyway by the inevitability of the move.
   
   
9. A crisis of identity - "Who am I?"

So, there are upsides and downsides to this kind of life, but in the end, I guess it's just one more thing that helped shape me into the kind of person who pursues overseas missions!  I may not be able to say where I'm from, or be any good a long range planning to know where I'll end up, but I know where I'll be by the end of next year: Ireland.

And that's enough for me right now.

Mourning Little Deaths

In my life, in my thirty one years, I’ve seen a lot of change.  Perhaps not as much as someone who lived thirty years before me, but enough all the same.

I’m not just talking about changes in technology and society, either.  God knows there have been many of those—the changes to computers alone in my lifetime have been drastic and unpredictable.  There have been changes in music and literature, in movies and politics, in marriages and religion.  Pondering those changes would keep a room full of sociologists, philosophers, anthropologists and theologians occupied for years.

But I have my own changes to think of, as well.  And as my own life isn’t likely to be studied by anyone other than myself, I must do the job.  As my birthday draws close, it makes me introspective again.  How have I changed in the last thirty years?  What makes me different from the person I was as a child or as a teenager?  How am I different even from four years ago?

As I said, I’ve seen a lot of change.  I’ve lived a lot of places.  I was recently filling out an application for missions in Ireland, and several questions caused me to reflect on the many varied experiences I’ve had.  Sometimes I need to stop and put things in perspective and remind myself that the life I’ve lived isn’t what most people would consider “normal.’ I’ve wrestled with that for years—what is normal, anyway?  Is it good to be normal, or is it bad?  I have to remind myself that experience alone does not make me a more developed or enlightened person.  We all have a slightly different path to walk, but it is what we learn from the journey that is important.

I’ve always been a rather sensitive soul; adaptable, yes, by necessity, but also very aware of change.  I’ve developed an awareness of similarities and differences—of patterns and themes.  This is part of what draws me to Story.  As I look at my own story like a tapestry, I see many colors: each shift to a new hue representing a time of transition in reality.  A new house.  A new town.  A new state.

I’ve seen a lot of change.  Every change, in a way, is like death.  Like a small dying of something that used to be and is no longer—at least, not for me.  The house may still stand, the town exists, but I am no longer there.  And even when I go back to visit, it will be different.  Time alone will have caused decay; often other forces have been at work as well.

And change happens in people, too.  I’ve had to leave behind a lot of friends in my life.  When the time for parting comes, assurances are made: I will keep in touch, we will still be friends.  I will see you again.  But often communication is infrequent, and in everyone I’ve left, even the ones I do remain closest to, change occurs.  People I knew as children grow up.  They graduate high school and college; they get married.  They have children of their own.  I see it all as snippets from the outside, watching and feeling frozen, though time affects me, too.

Every change, every goodbye is like a little death.  I don’t think I ever realized it before.  I never allowed myself to properly mourn all the tiny deaths I’ve experienced in life.  I haven’t lost a lot of people close to me to the grave, so I thought somehow I was exempt from mourning.  But I am not.  These days, whenever I read or hear or see a breaking of a fellowship, I find myself grieving.  It may be nothing more than a television show where the characters must part for a time.  It may be a song about friendship or goodbyes.  My eyes fill with tears, and I find myself mourning all the friends I’ve had to say goodbye to.  And I’ve had to say goodbye a lot.  Sometimes it has been much harder than others, and I think it was because I knew deep down that it was a death, it was the end of something which would never be again. At least, not until the end, the day when God restores everything.

Change in life is as inevitable as death.  You cannot escape it.  Time alone changes us, entropy breaks us down little by little.  You cannot stop it; the sands of the hourglass will slip through your fingers even as you clench your fist.

If that sounds discouraging, perhaps it is because I am grieving a little today, mourning for the many changes in my life.  All those little deaths which I foolishly overlooked.  The breaking of many fellowships. 

There is, of course, another side to all this.  Without change, without death, there cannot be new life.  Growth.  Change may mean the death of one thing, yes, but the thing that replaces it may be stronger and better.  Or, just entirely different.

The end of one thing means the beginning of another.  This does not negate our mourning, but gives us hope when the tears have dried.  Speaking of his own death, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” (John 12:24)  Jesus, better than anyone, knew that change was inevitable.  He knew he would have to leave his earthly life and all of his very good friends.  He knew intense suffering was hours away.  But he also knew that something more glorious awaited him on the other side of it.  He knew one day there would be a reunion with his dear friends and disciples.

In the same way, we can have hope that the beautiful things of this world will one day be renewed and restored, on the day when God remakes the heavens and the earth.  And we, too, will be remade.  Paul talked about this in his letter to the Corinthians:

“^35-38Some skeptic is sure to ask, "Show me how resurrection works. Give me a diagram; draw me a picture. What does this 'resurrection body' look like?" If you look at this question closely, you realize how absurd it is. There are no diagrams for this kind of thing. We do have a parallel experience in gardening. You plant a "dead" seed; soon there is a flourishing plant. There is no visual likeness between seed and plant. You could never guess what a tomato would look like by looking at a tomato seed. What we plant in the soil and what grows out of it don't look anything alike. The dead body that we bury in the ground and the resurrection body that comes from it will be dramatically different.

 ^42-44This image of planting a dead seed and raising a live plant is a mere sketch at best, but perhaps it will help in approaching the mystery of the resurrection body—but only if you keep in mind that when we're raised, we're raised for good, alive forever! The corpse that's planted is no beauty, but when it's raised, it's glorious. Put in the ground weak, it comes up powerful. The seed sown is natural; the seed grown is supernatural—same seed, same body, but what a difference from when it goes down in physical mortality to when it is raised up in spiritual immortality!” (1 Corinthians 15:35-38, 42-49, The Message)

It is right and natural for us to mourn the little deaths and changes that alter our lives.  But we must remember that death is not the end.  Life wins; Life triumphs over death.

I just finished reading a nonfiction book by Madeleine L’Engle called “The Rock that is higher: Story as Truth” and the last chapter was all about resurrection.  Mrs. L’Engle was writing in the later years of her life, looking back on everything, including an automobile accident which battered her body.  Toward the end of the book, she recounts a story she heard about the people of Russia, back when it was the USSR, an atheistic nation:

“The people of Moscow were called to a gathering in Red Square.  There they were addressed by one of the new leaders, who spent well over half an hour proving to the populace that there is no God.  His factual arguments about the nonexistence of God were incontrovertible, and the mob of people standing in Red Square was silent and subdued.

“Then a priest who was standing with the people asked permission to say three words.  Permission was granted, and he stood in front of the packed square, raised his arms, and cried out:

                ‘CHRIST IS RISEN!’

“And the entire mob responded joyfully, ‘He is risen indeed!’”

The truth of that resurrection is one that sustains us through all of life‘s changes and little deaths.  It means death is not the end.  Change, entropy, evolution—they don’t get to be the final words in the course of our lives.

All of our little reunions here in this life, so fleeting and bittersweet, are just a preview of what it will be like when everything is restored.  And I need this hope.  I need it because sometimes it feels like change is permanent.  Like goodbyes are forever.  Like death is the end.  It is not true, no matter how I feel.

And I press on, not wanting to get lost in the “new” nor stuck in the “old.”  I may mourn, but underneath my mourning is hope:

 ¹Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away…³And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

 ⁵He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"  (Revelation 21: 1, 3-5)

Amen.

The Sea

So, I'm copying my friend who posted a poem on her blog a couple days ago. I'd have done it sooner, but I was having computer issues. They are resolved, at least for the moment, so I'm going to share this tidbit I wrote just over a year ago, while in Ireland. Fair, green Ireland totally brought out the poet in me.
The day after seeing the Cliffs of Moher, we took a ferry ride from Galway to the isle of Inishmoor. I wrote the poem (and took the picture) on the ferry ride.




The Sea
The Sea, the sea
the rolling sea
salt spray
and foaming froth;
graceful waves and
misty rain;
islands wreathed in fog.

The Sea, the sea.

the mighty sea:

though men traverse

your breadth,

who can tame your

savage waves?

You are fierce and cold as death.

The Sea, the sea,

the wild sea:

rough winds and

frigid depths;

desolate cries of

lonely birds;

Your kingdom by Neptune kept.

The Sea, the sea,

the majestic sea:

her empire vast

in reach;

a kingdom teeming with

perilous life,

deeper than eye can see.

The Sea, the sea,

the restless sea:

ever churning, never

at rest;

driven by wind and

currents within,

until Earth's final breath.

The Sea, the sea,

the gentle sea:

whispering your

secrets sweet,

to sailors, explorers, and

lovers of life;

your lullaby sings me to sleep.

JMR, 7/22/08

Year in Review.

I stole this survey off of someone else's blog, because I couldn't come up with anything creative and contemplative on my own.


1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Traveled overseas. Got a passport, had an international flight, went through customs.
Drove into Pittsburgh by myself. Drove to Missouri and back, the whole way!!


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Um...not as well as I would have liked. I am making some resolutions, because hope springs eternal. And also because I'm making new "decade" resolutions.

And because some things just have to change!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Well, I know a few people who had babies. Nobody that I'm super (at least in terms of physical proximity) close with, though.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
IRELAND!!! It was awesome.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I would love to know what I'm doing with my life, but I doubt that will happen.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
From '07?? Well, probably some boy related ones that seemed momentous at the time but are now irrelevant...and Jan. 2nd, when Brianne got her tat and I got my nose pierced. That was a good day in 2007.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Geez. This is tough. I mean, I think just going to Ireland was the biggest deal. I finally did it. That was a lifelong dream, to get over to that part of the world.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Sometimes the way things ended with CW feels like I failed. Or maybe just how I handled it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just the usual colds I always get.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My camera. They say material things can't bring you happiness, but it has brought me such simple joy.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
We threw Jake a going away party...but that wasn't really a celebration. We still miss him.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
It was hard watching my brother's relationship go sour. (Sometimes it was hard to watch when it was good, too; but it sucks watching someone you love go through a bad break-up.)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Stuff I didn't need at Target, probably. And Mp3 downloads.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Ireland. Going to see Brianne. Prince Caspian. My new phone. Spring.


16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
Pocketful of Sunshine. "This is Home," by Switchfoot. "The Call," by Regina Spektor.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? About even, I think.
b) thinner or fatter? I've probably put on a few this year.
c) richer or poorer? Slightly poorer, since my job change.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Job hunting, maybe. Yoga.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Stressing. Complaining.

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Hopefully going downtown for First Night with friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No. Fell out of love, actually. But it's a good thing.
Well, unless you count my mad crush on Zachary Levi of "Chuck."

22. How many one-night stands?
None. I could have changed that to "dates" and the answer would still be the same.

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Chuck. Eli Stone. Heroes. Lost. Bones. Pushing Daisies. Monk. Psych. Samantha Who?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Well, it's more that an already strong disliking intensified.

25.What was the best book you read?
"Culture Making" by Andy Crouch, or "The Celtic Way of Evangelism" by George G. Hunter. Both AMAZING books. I'd put "Walking With God" by John Eldredge, but I'm not quite finished with it yet.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I discovered that I love Coldplay. I know, they're popular and ubiquitous. Like U2. I never thought I liked them much, either. But I do, now. It's weird.

27. What did you want and get?
A camera. My new phone.

28. What did you want and not get?
A new job--something that I'm MEANT to do, you know? Some purpose and direction.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Ooh. Well, the sad thing is, I haven't seen a movie since July ( I know, right?!). Ironman was good, so was Get Smart. I really liked Prince Caspian, despite plot changes. HATED The Happening, but Kung Fu Panda was cute. I adored Wall-E.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Hmm...I believe I went to Seib's with friends. Yes. Several birthday drinks were consumed. Well you only turn 29 once. Or, once a year from now on.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A sense of where I'm going and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. That would have been helpful.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Scarves. Ballet flats.

33. What kept you sane?
My friends. You know who you are. My head would have exploded without you.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I think I answered that already, but I'll gladly say it again: Zachary Levi. Mmm.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Ugh. Don't get me started. I tried to avoid everything remotely political.

36. Who did you miss?
Brianne.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I met some cool folks in Ireland.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
Community. Fellowship. Vital to survival.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"It started out as feeling, which then grew into a hope.
Which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder, until it was a battle cry!
I'll come back, when you call me, no need to say goodbye."
--Regina Spektor, "The Call" (From the Prince Caspian Soundtrack)

I used this already this year, but:
"I still haven't found what I'm looking for." --U2

Baby Steps

The other night, my brother pulled out a movie and stuck it in the player without telling us what it was.
"It's funny," he promised.
We were met with quirky music and images of a goldfish swimming around the main titles. Have you guessed it?
It was "What About Bob?" and though none of us made it all the way through, we did get some laughs out of it. One of my favorite things about the movie is the idea of taking "baby steps." Now, of course, Dr. Leo Marvin means it metaphorically; but Bob also takes it literally, shuffling out of the office and on to a bus, all while muttering "baby steps."

It's something I've been trying to apply in my own life, though not quite so literally.

I often get overwhelmed with all the things I want to do and need to do and things I want to change. I start making mental and physical lists, and the longer they get, the more frustrated I get. I start to feel like I'll NEVER get ANYTHING done, and then I end up feeling defeated before I even start!

So lately, I've been trying to shift my perspective. It started after I got back from Ireland, as I pictured myself returning there. I would daydream about what my life would be like there, and found that the Ireland Me was a different person from the Pittsburgh Me. And then I thought, why should I wait? If that's the person I truly want to be, why should I wait until I"m in another country to be that way?

So, I'm working on it. Some days it seems easier than others. And on the hard days, I just keep reminding myself: "baby steps." I'm trying to clean up my apartment, and get rid of junk I don't need. Progress is slow! Baby steps. I'm trying to eat better, to cook for myself more and not ingest as many processed, artificial foods. It's hard to do! Baby steps. I want to be more green--not because it's trendy, but because I truly think it's important for Christians to be serious and active about taking care of the earth. But sometimes it's not very convenient. Baby steps will get me there!

I have no idea what the future holds for me. Ireland? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's further down the road than I thought! But step by step God leads me where He wants me. Sometimes I wonder if my interest in Ireland and the ministries there was just God's way of getting my attention for things He wants me to do here. I'm open to that.

I know I need change, and a lot of it. But big changes rarely come overnight, instantaneously. They more often come from...say it with me, now..."baby steps."

There and Back Again

Whew! Well, I'm back in Pittsburgh. What a whirlwind of days it has been for me!

First, let me thank you for your prayers. It couldn't have happened without them.

Second, I'd just like to say that I loved Ireland. It was beautiful there--and we had fantastic weather!! Now, granted, some parts of Ireland looked a lot like parts of Western PA, and much of Dublin looked relatively like any other big city in the world. But then you'd see a sign in Gaelic, or see some ivy-covered ruins in the distance, and you'd know you weren't in America anymore. Not to mention the driving on the opposite side of the road thing.

I actually took over 2,000 pictures--but don't worry, I won't make you look at them all. A hefty chunk of those were more for me, and many of them are multiples of the same thing, just me trying to get the best shot possible. I truly had a blast taking pictures; it was one way I could express my love of the beauty of Ireland. I'll be posting my favorites to flickr when I get a chance.

So, now to answer the big question: am I going back to Ireland?
I believe so, yes.

I'm trying to take this slow and not get too ahead of myself. But I spent a good amount of time on the shore of the Irish Sea last week, praying and listening. Our last evening at the conference was a time of prayer, response, and communion. Before I went to that service, I felt God saying, "Go."

Let me just try to contextualize this for you a little. Many other times in my life, I have opened myself up to God, asking Him to use me and send me however he wanted. In those days, I would never have thought of Ireland. I just knew I wanted to serve Him, somewhere. Where there was a need, where I could be used. And though I always felt my time would come someday, each time I would ask God, I heard a "No, not yet."

But there I was, having heard stories from God's people who have been toiling in Ireland; and after hearing about the kinds of things they have been moved to do in their communities, I felt stirred, deeply. God has been moving in my own heart in the same ways--to desire relationship building over hit-and-run evangelism, and to reach out to the people of the community right where they are and meet them in their need, not waiting for them to come through the doors of the church. And it was in those moments, when I heard those stories, that I most deeply felt a sense of calling to join God in the work He is doing in Ireland. I heard, "Yes, Go."

I don't know exactly what this will look like; Ireland is going through a time of tremendous immigration and as a result they are beginning to write new laws. One of them that has just been passed is affecting some of the work of World Harvest missionaries there. They are unable to stay more than three years--so the people leading the program I was looking at might not be in Ireland next year.

At first that was discouraging and disheartening; but after I had a few conversations with people and let them know how truly interested I was in Ireland (and not just anywhere), they seemed willing to try to work things out. So that's where I am--preparing, beginning to move forward in faith, knowing this will be challenging, and NOT knowing exactly what shape it will take...or when it will happen.

Thank you again so much for your prayers...my trip to Ireland (though at times exhausting!) was exhilarating and beautiful. And inspiring.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art...
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Hello From Ireland!

So now the five of us are in Dublin.

We made it here with no difficulties whatsoever, even a relatively smooth flight. Customs, immigration, even baggage claim was a breeze--which Jen tells me NEVER happens. I feel that that's thanks to you and your prayers!!

It's been crazy busy here!! And not many places have wifi...we are out now but have to go soon, or we'll be locked out!!

Just know that we've been having fun, and seeing lots of sights. We also learned a lot today about Irish history.

Hopefully I''l get more time to blog later. Check out a few pics on flickr--link in the side column. Thanks for all your prayers!

Alert and Always Praying

Something that's been impressed upon me from the beginning of this endeavor to go to Ireland is the importance of prayer, and the awareness of Spiritual Warfare.

Right on the front page of the packet of info we got from World Harvest they spoke of spiritual warfare, and to be aware of it. Last weekend the team was prayed for by Pastor Dean (and Betsy!), and he mentioned it also. When we go to do God's work, and when we go to pray for a people and a nation being restored to God, the enemy doesn't like that!

I've been long indoctrinated about the presence of spiritual warfare. When I was younger, it was those Frank Peretti books, "The Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness." More recently, it's been the writing of John Eldredge, especially in his book, "Waking the Dead." Except WtD is not fiction. It's about being aware of what is really going on around you. He talks about the reality of warfare, and says he knows it comes across as rather drastic. I know how he feels--I always get a mixed reaction when I mention spiritual warfare.

It doesn't matter. I don't need people to agree with me to make it true. It's Biblical!! Jesus cast out many demons during his earthly ministry. Are we supposed to believe that there are no more? Paul writes this in Ephesians:

11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. (Ephesians 6:11-20, emphasis mine)

In this spirit, I would like to ask once again for prayer--not just for myself, but for the rest of my team as well. Below is a prayer calendar I put together for the church bulletin (edited by Susan U.!)

Please add that one of our members is very sick! Several other members are going through very stressful times with jobs and finances. Please pray that those things would fade away as we leave, that we would not let the cares of this life choke us but that we would be awake and open to hearing what God is saying to us.

• Saturday, July 12: Please pray for the team as we travel from Pittsburgh to Boston and then on to Dublin.
• Sunday, July 13: Pray for us as we adjust to the time difference and losing 5 hours. Please pray for World Harvest Mission, the interns serving with them this summer, and Carrig Eden Theological School, who will be hosting us as well as all the other attendees.
• Monday, July 14: As the conference begins, pray that our hearts would be open to hearing what God is doing in Ireland and what He would have us do there as well. Please pray for all the speakers who will be relating to us what God is doing in Ireland.
• Tuesday, July 15: As we continue to learn more about Irish culture and history, pray that we understand the culture so that we can relate to and engage with the people that we come in contact with.
• Wednesday, July 16: Pray for us as we continue learning and as we serve and observe at ministry sites throughout Ireland. We will interact with both believers and non-believers, from Ireland and America – pray that we would be good witnesses and servants.
• Thursday, July 17: We will take a prayer walk through Dublin. Please pray with us for the people of Ireland, for those who minister to them, and for all God is doing there.
• Friday, July 18: Pray for us as we serve at ministry sites, and for our small group times. Pray that our times of fellowship would create bonds with our brothers and sisters in Ireland, for bonds that will continue even after we return home.
• Saturday, July 19: We’ve been hearing from speakers who are involved with various ministries and churches in Ireland, and we’ve been able to visit some of these sites. Some of us are considering returning and serving in Ireland in the very near future; please pray that God’s will and leading would be made very clear for us as the conference comes to a close.
• Sunday, July 20–Tuesday, July 22: As we take a few days to reflect on our time at the conference and visit a few other parts of Ireland and Northern Ireland, pray for us as we prepare to bring back what we've learned and share it.
• Wednesday, July 23: Pray for our travels home to Pittsburgh and as we adjust to being back. Pray that we would not come home unchanged by our time in Ireland and the people we encountered there.
  

The Ireland Team members are:
Jen Curry, James Dames, Lynne George (Leader), Chris Miller and Jessica Richards.

Thank you for praying!!!

Coming Soon....

So...Ireland draws closer and closer. Less than two weeks now. I told my mom the other day (and some other people) that I feel a little like a bride planning her wedding, in that all I can seem to do is talk about Ireland. It's practically all I think about.

Oddly, though, it doesn't seem to be bugging anyone yet. In fact, I keep getting asked questions about my trip, before I say a word. People seem to be excited for me, which is pretty cool.

I've completed and purchased pretty much everything I need for my trip (except a raincoat--I left mine in Branson!), including contacts and a camera (hence the new picture).

I saw a commercial for some upcoming movie the other day, one I was mildly interested in (though I can't now recall what it was, so it can't have been anything huge) and it said it was coming to theaters July 18th. I thought to myself, Well, that will have to wait, I'll be in Ireland July 18th. And then I let that sink in. I repeated aloud , in amazement, "I'll be in Ireland July 18th!" How crazy is that?!?

I've visited and lived a lot of places, but mostly in the States. I've never been anywhere that required a passport before now. I've wanted to see that part of the world since I was a little girl, and this is the first real opportunity that's become available to me. So maybe you can see why this is pretty much freaking me out.

It's like my very own, real live adventure. A new culture. A new country. A new home? We got a rough schedule the other day, but there is still so much that unknown and undetermined...at least for us humans. Just before we go, I'll post a prayer calendar of sorts that I made up for our church bulletin. I'm also hoping to do some mobile blogging from Internet cafes and the like, posting some pics if possible to my flickr account. We'll see.

Well, if you're not sick of hearing about Ireland yet, you probably will be by the time I'm done. Or, I suppose I could be positive, and imagine that folks will want hear about our experiences. Whatever happens, I want to drink it all in with eyes, ears, and heart wide open. May God grant me the grace until then to live in the moment and not wish away the next eleven days.

Belief Over Misery*

One of the important things to remember when blogging or journaling is to write about both the bad and the good moments.

Why the bad the moments? To be honest. To remind yourself and everyone else that perfection can't be found here, and struggles will come. And sometimes, because it helps to vent. For me, writing my thoughts down helps give them focus and clarity. But also, it's important to record what the issue is, what you're dealing with, so that you can see later how you've grown. More significantly, you can see how God is working.

That's why we have to write about the good moments, too. They are like the monuments the Israelites used to build to remind themselves of God's provision. It's all too easy to get caught up in circumstances and see only how bad everything is. I'm so prone to that. I forget too quickly the ways in which God has provided for me in the past--but keeping a record helps combat spiritual amnesia.

So today, I am writing out of a sense of awe. That's something I haven't felt in a while.

God came through for me this week in a very powerful, undeniable way. And I...I am humbled by it, knowing that I don't deserve it.

I know I keep bringing up this Ireland thing...but I've been timid about it, afraid of having the door closed on me. It's happened before. So I've been looking for signs and signals, clues to see if this is actually where God is leading me, and not just my own wistfulness. Today I feel like God is confirming some things, and beginning to make a way for me.

I ask you to continue praying for me, not because I'm still so uncertain, but because I'll need it. There will still be struggles and doubts; I'll be under attack.

I'll continue to give updates. We don't leave until next month--July 12th.

Again, I just felt like I needed to record something positive. I've been dealing with a lot of negativity in an area of my life lately (specifically, my calling, gifts, and purpose), and this week was like...the sun coming out after a thunderstorm. (No offense to rainy weather!)

I was led to the Psalms the other day, and found myself reading 23 & 25. 25 is where Third Day got their song "My Hope is You," and that was kind of an anthem for me the other day. Psalm 23, however, is so well-known that I don't often pay attention to it. It's cliche. Or so I thought.

But suddenly, words leapt off the page:

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

It's not cliche, after all. It's beautiful. It's just become so commonplace that I stopped noticing.

I don't want to stop noticing what God is trying to say to me--on the contrary, I want to hear more and more.

I've got my heart set
on what happens next
I've got my eyes wide,
It's not over yet,
We're miracles,
And we're not alone....*

* --Taken from the Switchfoot song, "This is Home."

A New Chapter

I have this ritual that I've done for the past decade or so of my life. Every year, I stay up the night before my birthday and reflect on my life. This usually involves some kind of writing, and normally it's done in a journal. But this year I decided to be different.

I'm 29 this year.

I was talking to a friend tonight, who is 20, and she was saying how she felt like she's got her whole life ahead of her--and she does. I'm nearly a decade older, and I feel the same way. Suddenly.

For a while, I was really wrestling with this whole "29" thing. I mean, let's face it. I am NOT where I thought I'd be by now. Far from it. And yet, there is a kind of freedom in that. For whatever reasons, God in His wisdom has kept me here since college. And I'm okay with that, because He's always provided for me.

But now, I sense a change on the horizon. it's like it's been there all along, just...hidden. Elusive. Tucked away.

The odd thing is, part of accepting that change means letting go of where I am now. There is an area of my life, a ministry I've been involved in for a while, that I have to leave behind, and God is using a very painful method to get me to let go. But everywhere around me, I keep hearing things that make me think that this is His plan for me. I mean, sometimes it happens this way. Caspian had to be chased out of his castle to find Narnia, right?

I'm going to Ireland this summer.

That in itself is a big deal; but I'm not going just for the prayer conference or to be a tourist. I'm thinking (& praying) about living there. Moving there. That's right, becoming a missionary.

I don't know what will happen. Maybe God will close the door, like He's closed other doors. but maybe not. Maybe it's time for me to move on again, time for another new chapter in my life.

Chesterton says: “An adventure is, by its nature, a thing that comes to us.
It is a thing that chooses us, not a thing that we choose.”

And Aslan says: "You would not have been calling me unless I had called you first."

Finally, Tolkien says: "The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began
....and whither then? I cannot say."

Would you continue to pray with and for me about Ireland? I wish I could be more eloquent about it, but at the moment, my heart's too full...I see blank pages before me. I feel like I'm still waiting for a sign; but really, I just want to feel supported. I want to know that's where God wants me.

And I want to sing, like Switchfoot does at the end of "Prince Caspian,"

I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home...

Growth

Well, it finally happened. Slowly but steadily, the world is tuning green again. And I mean literally, not the eco-friendly term (thought that does seem to be on the rise). Everywhere I look, things are growing again.

There's this great Nichole Nordeman song that talks about how God is in "Every Season" of life, and she ends with Spring:

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter...Spring.

(Listen to it, please. It's a fabulous song.)

I know I've talked a lot about my restlessness lately. I'm starting to get the feeling that it's because things are changing for me, too.

Sometimes I look at the last few years of my life, and I don't feel like I've changed much or done much with my life. And it's easy to want start with externals--like a new haircut, or a nose ring, or a tattoo. Something visible and tangible that says, "Look, I'm different." A new outfit. A new job. A new relationship.

But once in a while, God lets me get a glimpse of what He's doing in my life. I had a minor revelation last week, and it made me happy. It gave me peace. It gave me freedom. Which is what Truth does, right?

There are so many things I'm afraid of in life, it's ridiculous. I'm not talking spiders, here. I'm talking about all the little worries that flood my head whenever I think of doing something, especially something new. I fear failing, but I also fear changing for the sake of change--just to keep from being bored.

So as I look at the horizon of my life, I worry that I'm running from my old life just to avoid it. But should I let that hold me back?

I sometimes wonder if growth is painful for plants. Does it hurt trees to stretch their branches further each year, to reach up to the sky?

Right now, I feel a little like a heroine in a novel or a movie, someone who is on the brink of change and can't even see it yet. I just feel like I've been waiting for something to happen...stuck...but that just around the corner, something is coming. Does that sound weird? I'm okay with it if it does. I don't expect everyone to get it, I'm just kinda rambling.

I'm just at a point where I know things can't stay the way they are. Something has to give. Square peg, round hole and all that. I mean, I've made some friends here, and I'm grateful for that (not to mention, my family!). And for a brief window of time, I felt like I had a place here. But, I don't know...somehow I'm just too much of a gypsy. I feel like Vianne from Chocolat, always listening to the North Wind and moving on. Only, I'm trying to hear God, listening for where He is calling me to go.

Would you pray for me, as I listen? I'm considering Ireland. I will be attending a prayer/missions conference in the Dublin area later--in the summer. I want to go. Really. I'm excited about this trip. But I only want to Go--back, that is--if it's where He wants me.

He is growing each of us, just like the trees and the flowers. And thank goodness--I couldn't take much more of winter.

Weird

After writing my last post, in which I confessed that as much as I want to be married, it’s not at the top of my to-do list, I started think about just how weird I am. You’d really think that a hopeless romantic like me would rate marriage as her number one goal in life, but...no. Sadly, this is not the only bizarre thing about me, as you’d see if you really knew me. So, for the heck of it, I thought I’d come clean and post a list of the 27 weirdest things about me (27, btw, is my favorite number). [For future readers, I'm adding edits in this color, over 4 years later.]

1. I have never lived anywhere for more than about five years. Some places I lived less than a year. [Pittsburgh was seven years.]

2. I am a phone-a-phobe. I hate to call people on the telephone. I don’t even like ordering pizza. I don’t know why; but I would much rather write an email or a real letter than call someone that I don’t know very well. And I mean very well.

3. I don’t like the taste of alcohol. I barely tolerate the smell. [This has changed.  I have come to enjoy some types very much in moderation.]
4. I currently own over 500 books, crammed into my bedroom. And I fully intend to buy many more.  [I couldn't begin to guess. Probably twice that.]
5. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 24 years old.
6. I have only been on two real dates. With two different guys.
7. I went to four different high schools.
8. I don’t believe in evolution. [At least, not macro evolution.]
9. I haven’t celebrated Halloween since I was five.
10. When I was in high school, I refused to watch Friends.
11. I like to watch TV and movies with the closed captions on, even though I am not hearing impaired.
12. I work at a coffee shop, but I don’t drink coffee.  [Yep, drink that now, too, thanks to my stint at Starbucks.]
13. In my spare time, when I’m bored, I watch Disney Channel programs. And I enjoy them.
14. I believe with my whole heart that there is a God, and that He created me, died for me, and loves me.
15. I am both a cat and a dog person.
16. Some people hear things and burst into song (my parents); I hear things and it will remind me of a movie quote. And I have to say it. And it will sound totally random.
17. Whenever I watch something (TV, movie) I play the “Where have I seen him/her” game. If an actor or actress is familiar, I have to figure out where I’ve seen him or her before. Luckily, IMDB has made that a whole lot easier for me.
18. I laugh out loud when I’m reading or watching something, no matter where I am.
19. I write in my books; I underline and circle things and scribble in the margins even if it’s a work of fiction. I can’t not write (if it’s my copy).
20. I randomly use a British accent in conversation; but my whole family does this. [This has gotten worse since becoming obsessed with Doctor Who.]
21. I really don’t like going to the beach or camping. [Actually, it depends on the beach, the campsite, and who I'm with.  I quite liked Greystones beach in Ireland, for example.]
22. I watch the credits of movies.
23. I eat cake for the frosting. But only if it’s the “good” kind.
24. My legs do not tan. They stay super-white no matter how long I stay out. [Except in Texas, as I discovered during a long summer as a camp counselor in the scorching sun.]

25. I snort when I laugh if I think something is really funny.
26. I’m actually friends with my brother and parents.
27. I don’t care a whit which way the toilet paper goes.

There you have it! I’m a freak. Though you probably already suspected this was true, now you have proof. But you know, I wouldn’t trade all my quirks and idiosyncrasies even if I could. Maybe that’s the weirdest thing about me.

PS: I challenge you to come up with a weird thing about me and post it in a comment. Go on. I can take it.