Taking Deep Breaths

Okay, so, in spite of the optimism in my last post, I've actually been really wrestling lately. It seem like I go through cycles in my life, and right now, I'm revisiting Restlessness.

I guess in a way, I thought that by the time I turned 30, I would have a few more things figured out. Such as, What I Want to Do With My Life. I'm several months away from ending my second decade, and I know that 30 is just a number, not a deadline. But still. I can't seem to make sense of my passions and desires and gifts, at least, not in a professional, salary-earning sense. And it's causing me a lot of frustration.

It's like, Whoa, here I am in Adulthood. And I wasn't really ready to be here, but now I am. Where do I go and what do I do now??

I'm reading this fantastic book called "Culture Making" by Andy Crouch. I know it seems like every time I mention a book I'm endorsing it, but if I bother to mention what I'm reading, it's because it's good. Really. So Crouch is talking about how we as Christians--and Humans, foremost--have a fundamental calling toward culture. Well, two, actually. One is to cultivate the good that is already there, like a gardener. Like our first parents, in Eden. The second is to create new culture. And that it is only by doing these two things that we begin to "change the world."

To do either of those things well, Crouch suggests, one must first be a culture keeper. I sort of feel like I've already been that most of my life. Even this past week, I spent a good chunk of my recreational time watching TV shows. I don't currently have a working TV, so it was either catching up on this season's Heroes, Chuck, Pushing Daises and Bones online, or watching DVDs of last season's Chuck and Eli Stone. (I like a lot of TV shows. I'm a sucker for a good story, and all of those that I listed qualify. )

But I don't want to just consume culture anymore, or even critique it to point out why it's a good story and you should watch, too. I long to create something that no one else ever has, to send something out into the world and have it "push the horizons of the possible."

I'm realizing, though, that things like that don't happen overnight.

It's hard for me, to be stuck here again, in this place where I can't quite see what God is doing in my life. (I think it helps, a little, to watch the stories of others who must feel the same way--I'm sure Chuck and Eli could both relate a little to this feeling!) I'm not going to lie, I've been really stressed and frustrated lately. Maybe even a little depressed. I feel like all of my emotions have been closer to the surface than usual, and not just because of biological reasons.

Outside, it's been beautiful here--and I love the fall--but somehow I just haven't been able to enjoy it as much. And that's sad. I don't want to be like that. So I'm trying a different approach. A more grateful approach. I want to acknowledge and be thankful for the good things in my life, like family and friends. And little things, too, like a new pair of earrings or a tuna sub from Subway.

You know. Spending time in worship. Learning new songs. Working on my writing. Taking pictures. Watching a good TV show. Recycling. Playing with pets. Smelling good. Taking deep breaths. Not letting myself get all bent out of shape when things don't go my way. Realizing that life is never without battles. Last year, it was my love life; now that I've made peace with that, it's my professional life. And so it goes.

I'm not trying to be glib or sanctimonious here. It's a real struggle for me to have all this passion to change the world and the church and to do something meaningful and lasting, but not actually have the means to do it. Yet. But like any good lament, if I can't pause at the end of the day and acknowledge that God must have a purpose I can't see yet, then I would really be in bad shape.

Psalm 138:8

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

And this was the Biblegateway.com verse of the day:

“Many are the plans in a man's heart,

but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”- Proverbs 19:21

A New Chapter

I have this ritual that I've done for the past decade or so of my life. Every year, I stay up the night before my birthday and reflect on my life. This usually involves some kind of writing, and normally it's done in a journal. But this year I decided to be different.

I'm 29 this year.

I was talking to a friend tonight, who is 20, and she was saying how she felt like she's got her whole life ahead of her--and she does. I'm nearly a decade older, and I feel the same way. Suddenly.

For a while, I was really wrestling with this whole "29" thing. I mean, let's face it. I am NOT where I thought I'd be by now. Far from it. And yet, there is a kind of freedom in that. For whatever reasons, God in His wisdom has kept me here since college. And I'm okay with that, because He's always provided for me.

But now, I sense a change on the horizon. it's like it's been there all along, just...hidden. Elusive. Tucked away.

The odd thing is, part of accepting that change means letting go of where I am now. There is an area of my life, a ministry I've been involved in for a while, that I have to leave behind, and God is using a very painful method to get me to let go. But everywhere around me, I keep hearing things that make me think that this is His plan for me. I mean, sometimes it happens this way. Caspian had to be chased out of his castle to find Narnia, right?

I'm going to Ireland this summer.

That in itself is a big deal; but I'm not going just for the prayer conference or to be a tourist. I'm thinking (& praying) about living there. Moving there. That's right, becoming a missionary.

I don't know what will happen. Maybe God will close the door, like He's closed other doors. but maybe not. Maybe it's time for me to move on again, time for another new chapter in my life.

Chesterton says: “An adventure is, by its nature, a thing that comes to us.
It is a thing that chooses us, not a thing that we choose.”

And Aslan says: "You would not have been calling me unless I had called you first."

Finally, Tolkien says: "The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began
....and whither then? I cannot say."

Would you continue to pray with and for me about Ireland? I wish I could be more eloquent about it, but at the moment, my heart's too full...I see blank pages before me. I feel like I'm still waiting for a sign; but really, I just want to feel supported. I want to know that's where God wants me.

And I want to sing, like Switchfoot does at the end of "Prince Caspian,"

I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home...

Oh, Eh?

Well, I hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!

I did. I spent mine in Toronto. It was a Girl Trip! ...That pretty much says it all. It involved museums, walking around downtown, fun restaurants, gelatto, shopping, lots of laughter, new nicknames, running jokes, a chick flick, a tiiiiny bit of alcohol (now, don't be all scandalized!), and a cute waiter.

Our first stop was the Bata Shoe Museum. It was actually very cool and we all found it fascinating. It was there, from a display on Chinese fashion, that we got our nicknames. It was from the Chinese Calendar (okay, zodiac) and what animal and element we are. (I'm an Earth Sheep, if you're interested. Mine was eerily close to my personality. Go figure.)

But as I said, we also visited a couple other museums, such as the Spadina House, and Casa Loma. They were also a lot of fun. We spent hours looking around at everything, and heard some great stories.

We also walked around quite a bit of downtown TO, just trying to find places to eat dinner. There are, of course, tons of restaurants, but the four of us (as relatively easy-going as we all are) still had to agree. Sunday Night we spent the better part of an hour trying to find just the right place (for my Birthday Dinner). We ended up at an Irish pub which somehow suited us all perfectly. It was also the source of the cute waiter--who incidentally, was also too young for any of us.

Well, anyway, I had a lot of fun. It was just a great weekend. I hope yours was, too! Here's to mini-breaks!

Happy Birthday, Blog!

Or should it be Happy Anniversary?

For ‘twas one year ago today that I first logged onto blogspot.com, at Brianne’s behest, to get myself a blog. And so the bright pink and link-ified “Scope For Imagination” was born.

This is my forty-second post. That means I've averaged a post once every 1.23....weeks.

I myself can hardly believe that I’ve actually somewhat kept up with it for a whole year. I was never great at journaling, if you must know (however strange that sounds). But I do love to write, and I also love to share my opinion on…well, anything I have an opinion on.

When I think about where I was a year ago, and where my life is heading now, I am quite amazed. God is Great!

I would write more, but there’s quite a lot going on at the Richards’ Residence these days. But don’t worry. I’ll fill you in eventually. All in good time.

In Memorandum

Well, this last week saw The End come. It’s over. Finito. Completed. Done.

Of course I’m only talking about TV shows, nothing serious. But Monday night was the Series Finale of Alias. No. More. Alias. Ever. *sniff.* It was good though, even if there were a few tearful moments. It ended on a very good note, I thought. I shall miss it!!! But at least it ended neatly, instead of slowly dying off.

Wednesday was the season finale of LOST, my other great TV obsession. Brianne and I blogged all about what we thought about that on our Lostaholics blog (if you’re curious). But I had a lot of fun getting ready for that. I threw a little party; I confess, I might have gone a little overboard. There were seashells strewn all over the living room, and decorations consisting of palm trees, fake pineapples, and netting.

But I didn’t stop there. I decorated a bunch of cookies with things like the Numbers, waves, palm trees, S.O.S.’s, “Dharma” and “LOST.” And I couldn’t resist covering a bottle of Pepsi with a “Dharma Cola” label. I know, it sounds very silly, but I had so much fun doing it. I had the soundtrack from season one playing, and my brother even tried to use his smoke machine to add atmosphere (my mom nixed that pretty quick).

I so seldom throw parties, so it was fun. And I mean, it was a very small gathering. Which is probably why it wasn’t highly stressful.

Speaking of parties, I celebrated a birthday yesterday. My party was going to The Olive Garden. Mmmm. Love The Olive Garden. Love the music, love the soup, love the salad, love the chocolate lasagna….

For a while I was kind of depressed about my birthday (which sounds ridiculous, I know, I’m not that old), just feeling like another year has gone by without any big goals reached. Yes, of course, I’ve gotten a book into print, and I totally appreciate anyone who has bought it and read it. But it still seems like there could be more I’m doing with my life (perhaps instead of watching TV finales?). I thought I was alone in these kind of feelings, until I read the Bridget Jones books by Helen Fielding. Bridget obsessively recounts in her diary how much weight she’s gained or lost each day, along with how many cigarettes she’s smoked, how much alcohol she’s drunk, and any other habits, like thinking bad thoughts or checking the British equivalent of *69 to see who called her.

Actually, it was quite reassuring, reminding me to put things in perspective. And it was further reinforced by the message by our new Senior pastor at CW last night. In the spirit of Memorial Weekend, he encouraged us to be more thankful. That was something I kinda needed to hear. It’s so easy for me to look at my life and see so much left undone and unfulfilled, instead of remembering all the good things that have happened in my life so far.

I have a wonderful family who encourages me in my dreams of writing; friends who I can talk to about anything from TV to spiritual crises; a church where I am involved and am using my (meager) gifts to serve, and who also supports my writing; a new book out; a pair of cats that make me laugh; at least one job that I don’t dread going to in the morning; a car that works considerably well; a room crammed with books; a college degree that I’m not still paying off; and a relationship with my Creator and Savior that always amazes me.

So what if I’m in my mid-to-late twenties, still living at home, don’t have a boyfriend, could stand to lose some weight, haven’t been to Europe yet, and have a messy room? Are those things really as important as I make them out to be? I have been blessed in so many ways throughout my life. It’s always easy for me to see the negative, the areas where I fall short. But today, I celebrate the amazing life I’ve had. I don’t want to wait until I’m old—really old—to appreciate the good things in my life. So here’s my memorandum of 27 pretty amazing years. Thanks, God!!