Dealing with Doubt

Have you ever had one of those moments when you said you'd do something you were invited to, and later, you regretted accepting? Like, early in the morning, when you could be sleeping? But then you got up anyway, and even through your sleepiness, you realized there was a Reason you were supposed to go to that thing?

That happened to me today.

I went to church with my parents--ironically, not by their invitation, but a friend who really only asked casually, "Will you be going?" For some reason, I said yes.

They had a guest speaker this morning, and it was when he got up to preach that I realized Why I Was There.

We had Easter (we call it "Resurrection") Sunday last week. I went to my parent's church then, also, but I was really cranky and in a bad mood that morning. But I remember standing there last week, reading the apostle's creed in unison with everyone, and thinking, "Do I really believe this?"
Because from the outside, it sounds kind of absurd. Truth be told, I've never really been on the outside of it. It's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. So I took a step back last Sunday, and asked myself, "Do I believe this?"

And the answer was Yes.

Yes, I believe it all. God, Jesus, the cross, the resurrection , the Holy Spirit, Heaven, all of it. It's too integral for me to think of it as untrue. It's my Life.

But lately...well, quite frankly, I've been better. If you're one of those few souls who regularly read this blog, maybe you've noticed it. I try to be optimistic (but honest) in my posts, but lately, I've really been wrestling. And I'd be lying if I said I haven't been struggling somewhat with my faith. The thing is, though, I don't doubt whether God exists. I don't doubt that Jesus came, died, and rose again.

When I doubt, it's a nagging frustration--a feeling that somehow, God is holding out on me. I doubt his heart. I doubt His goodness, that He cares about me.

When I say it like that, it almost sounds worse than doubting His existence. Because haven't I seen His work in my life time & time again? Hasn't He provided for me? Led me, taught me, comforted me? I'm as bad as the Israelites of the Old Testament, forgetting the great rescues & victories God provided, and turning to idols to meet their needs.

So, this morning: the speaker, a professor at Geneva, starts speaking about Thomas the disciple and his doubt. Something clicks, and I know I need to pay attention. I know this is why I've forsaken my bed and shown up. Doubt is something we all face, to varying degrees. We give Thomas a bad rap, because he didn't take the rest of the disciples' word for it that Jesus was alive. But didn't they all wrestle with doubt those first couple days? Resurrection seemed impossible, despite all the miracles they'd seen. He'd given them every reason to expect it--even raised people from the dead right in front of them. They still couldn't see it.

I'm no different. I've been blinded by my own circumstances once again. And, I've grown cynical and somewhat bitter lately.

In an effort to combat the hardening of my heart, I've turned once again to the writings of John Eldredge, which have steadied and softened my heart many, many times over the past decade. I picked up "Desire" (formerly titled "The Journey of Desire") and have been rereading it the past week. And once again, he's nailed me. Out of my frustration, I have been trying to bury my desires and kill my heart, because I just can't stand to be disappointed any more. But that doesn't work. Desire won't be denied; and it begins to crop up in other areas if we don't learn how to live with it. And we must, because God made us to desire--but He also made us so that our desires are only ultimately fulfilled in Him.

Life, Eldredge says, is both a Battle and a Journey.

I've been feeling the battle part lately. But instead of fighting back, I've been hunkered down in a foxhole, trying to ignore the fire raining down all around me.

I don't have it figured out yet. I'm not suddenly "all better." In fact, if anything, I've been more aware of own humble state lately. I've been a Christian for so long that extraordinary things seem ordinary to me. My senses are becoming dull. My heart's grown hard. I've been looking to other things to fill me. But no more. Without wanting to sound ultra-Christiany about it (as if an ultra-Christian would admit to doubting like this anyway!), I need to turn back to God. That sounds so religious, it almost puts me off. But...I can't delay this any longer.


So, I'm on a journey now--to get my heart back. Here I go.

50 Non-Dates

Once in a while, I have one of Those Days.

You know. Days that make you stop and think. Like, Where am I going with my life? What does God have in store for me? ...Am I ever going to find someone?

I am, by any definition, a hopeless romantic. Shocker, I know. So I'm not generally prone to pessimism when it comes to Love. I mean, things have taken a toll on my heart, sure. I have a tendency to get cynical every now and then. I think it's hardest when I realize that once again, I gave my heart away too quickly. That it wasn't valued by the guy the way I'd hoped it was.

It's actually easier, in some ways, to be hopeful when there is no one on the horizon. Then my imagination has free reign.

I'm back at that point again.

A couple weeks ago, I watched the movie August Rush. (I highly recommend it, by the way.) There's this thing August says about hearing the music that is all around. He talks about following the music, and how it leads people together. There was something so enchanting about that idea; and I thought to myself, That's what I need. Someone who hears the music, like I do. Because in a way, I do.

So, I've been rejuvenated by this idea. I guess I have to believe that if God has someone for me, he'll be right for me. I admit, I wrestle with this at times. I fear that I'll end up with someone who doesn't understand me, or whom I'm not completely crazy about. The truth is, I know things won't be perfect. Not like in the movies.

Tonight I watched the end of a few sappy movies that were on TV. And then I watched one of my DVDs. I own around 50 romantic movies. Chick flicks. Romantic comedies. From time to time I've worried that such a thing would intimidate any potential guys--probably because I read it some kind of Brio-type article when I was younger. And I've also worried that it might have warped my own perception of Reality.

Other times I think Chick Flicks have preserved my sanity. The thing is, I haven't had a lot of romance in my own life. I've just barely dated, and never been seriously involved with any guy. Because of this, I often like to think of my movies as Non-Dates. A lovely little spot of romance in my evening, as I imagine what it would be like to be swept up in something like that.

Yes, I'm a Sap. But, God made me this way for a Reason. I believe that. Maybe I'm meant to be Single always. It's also possible that I could end up with someone who is not sentimental or romantic in the least. Either way, I'm not going to worry about that now. Not when there is so much romance to be had...at least in the movies. :)

Love...and Hate

Well, it's February.
You know what that means.

Two weeks to S. A. D. *sigh.*

I don't know how to feel about Valentine's Day. You know?

On one hand, I hate it. It's just a reminder of my "single" status. It's a commercial holiday centered around mush that raises unrealistic expectations of what relationships are supposed to be like: dozens of roses, expensive jewelry, dinners in classy restaurants....And all of it is surrounded by pink frills and babies with wings and arrows. It's syrupy and disgusting.

On the other hand, I am kind of a sucker for romance. I am by my own admission, a sap. There's something sweet about the celebration of love. And, this might come as a shock, but I actually love pink. I love hearts, too. And flowers. And chocolate.

Who am I kidding? The only Real reason I hate V-Day is because I am single and can't participate.

This year, I am taking matters into my own hands. I am planning an alternative to Valentine's Day. An "alterna-tine," if you will. I just thought of it last night, so it's in the works, but I hope that it will be fun. I hope to invite other singles for an evening devoid of romance, starting with laser tag. Nothing says "I don't care" like laser guns.

Whatever happens, I hope to have a happy Valentine's Day. Because it's just a day, just another day. Why should it matter if I have any romance on that day? February 14th really isn't any different from February 13th or 15th.

But whatever your plans are, I hope you enjoy your whole month. After all, in two weeks, the pink hearts will be replaced by green clovers. :)