Dear Switchfoot,

Thank you.

For an awesome concert & a great night. For writing great music that is fun to listen to and still resonates deeply. And for being real & genuine, and hanging out in the parking lot after your show.

Jon Foreman: I got to shake your hand, get a pic, and tell you that your songs have meant a lot to me--but forgive me, I was a bit dazzled being in the presence of one of my heroes. So, here is what I meant to say, if I'd been able to be eloquent, witty, and didn't have to worry about the other people standing around:

Roughly five years ago, my brother told me about a song he heard on the radio. "It's by a band called Switchfoot," he said. "Have you heard of them? Are they Christian? Because I think he's talking about God."
I thought for a moment. I was pretty sure I had a song or two on some Christian compilations, like WOW. "Yeah, I think they are," I replied. Kyle went on to tell me more about the song "Meant to Live" and how good it was. Not long after, he bought the album, "The Beautiful Letdown." My brother is one of my sources for new music recommendations, so when he told me that it was a really good CD, I borrowed it. He didn't get it back for several months.

Eventually, my entire family had to buy our own copies, because we all loved it so much--all four of us with our own "Beautiful Letdown" CD. (Clearly, this was in the days before we had our zunes.) It took me a while to move past the first few songs, but I finally did and was blown away. You see, 2004-2005 was a rough time for me. I was in a job I hated. My family was going through some rough times--my mom had cancer, my dad was switching jobs, my grandmother died, and we were moving out of our house and into a really crappy apartment. And did I mention I hated my job?

Suddenly I had these songs calling to me, urging me, comforting me. Although I had my family, and we are close, I did not have a community of friendships at that point in my life. I was finding the transition from campus life to the real world challenging. It was a dry, deserty time for me. A dark night of the soul, as St. John of the Cross would say. It was, in fact, a Beautiful Letdown.

So, when I say these songs meant a lot to me, I feel like that's kind of an understatement. For the past few years, since TBL, I have continually found solace and strength in Switchfoot's songs. When "Nothing is Sound" came out, I was grateful for the raw, lament-like honesty of songs like "The Blues" and "Lonely Nation." (And I blogged about it, too.) When "Oh! Gravity" was released, I connected with songs like "The Awakening" and "4:12." I also discovered some older tunes like "You," "Let That Be Enough," and "Only Hope," which somehow were just what I needed to hear at the time. Last summer, when I was searching for direction and leaving a job I loved but which had become too much of a constant battle for me, I was touched by "This is Home." (I cried every time I saw the video--but that probably has as much to do with Switchfoot as it does with the fact that I adore anything involving Narnia, Aslan, and C. S. Lewis.) In fact, my few and faithful readers might remember that I used lyrics from that song several times in this blog that summer.

Even earlier this year, as I discovered "Fiction Family" and caught up on all of Jon Foreman's eps, I continued to be uplifted by the words and music. So many of the songs from "Fall," "Winter," "Spring," & "Summer" just hit me right where I was at. It was another bit of a rough time for me, a time of searching and seeking God, a time of wanting to be renewed and refreshed, and I have to say it: God used many of those songs to restore my soul. Songs like "The Cure for Pain," "White as Snow," "The House of God, Forever," "I am Still Running," and especially "Your Love is Strong" (which my friends and I have played many times in our small groups) were like a healing salve for my troubled soul. They became my prayers in a time when going to church was a struggle.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, I discovered that you had become my favorite band. Which was something of a shock, because as anyone who knew me in high school and college will tell you, I was a rabid Newsboys fan for the longest time. I'm not going to compare the two bands, because such comparisons are "odious" as Madeleine L'Engle would quote. It's enough for me to say that your songs have changed my life and probably in some way saved me. I apologize if that sounds hyperbolic, but that's certainly how it feels.


People are already talking about your upcoming album, and it bugs me when they compare it to your old stuff. Not every album has to be "The Beautiful Letdown." Not every song can be "Dare You to Move." To expect that is just folly--it's like people who wanted every M. Night Shyamalan movie to be "Sixth Sense," when if they'd just been paying attention, they would have seen that "Signs" and "Lady in the Water" were just as good in their own way (better, in my opinion, but that's me). From what I've heard, both at your concert last night and on Youtube (I shamelessly looked up people's amateur vids of you playing new stuff), I think it's going to be good. In fact, I think "Hello Hurricane" is going to be my new anthem. I'm already in love with that song, and can't wait til November so I can have a copy of it.

So thank you once again for being real and honest; for writing and playing songs that are authentic and which resonate and speak to people's hearts and pour into their souls. Your songs have comforted me, challenged me, pushed me, and healed me. Thank you for letting God use you.

Sincerely,

Jessica Richards
(aka the girl who finally went to see you for the first time last night @ Robert Morris U & had an amazing time.)

I Yield

So, if you know me, if you've spent any time at all with me or talking to me in the last three months or so, you know that I've been stressed. About a lot of things. My future, my purpose; I'm looking for a new job; my finances...all these things keep piling up in my head. All I've been able to see on the horizon is a giant question mark, and it's been driving me crazy.

So, I do what most people do. I make lists. I try to plan out a strategy. I ask people's advice. I do internet searches. I fill out applications; I try not to spend money on frivolous things. Oh, and I pray.

I've been keeping a journal since the beginning of the year (well, longer than that, but this one with renewed consistency). And so many entries revolve around the question of where my life is going. I keep crying out to God: Show me! Tell me! Speak to me! Reveal Your plan!

I don't have any answers. It's not that God has been silent. I've heard His voice on other, smaller matters. ie, Should I go to Branson? Yes.

And then, I've heard him speak to me in another way. Through the wisdom and insight of others. There's been a theme in my life lately. An idea, that God has been shaping. I talked in my last post about hearing God's song and being in tune with Him--but that presupposes that I AM listening.

Last weekend was Jubilee, a conference hosted by CCO, an organization my dad and friend Wendy work for. I went a few years back and blogged about it. This year I went again--but just to the (free) Sunday session. And perhaps because it was Sunday, the theme of the day seemed to be about Sabbath. Lauren Winner returned to Jubilee (the last time she spoke here was when I was there before and kind of made an idiot of myself to her!) and talked about the Jewish rhythms and purposes of keeping the Sabbath.

And it occurred to me that not only do I not keep a Sabbath day, the time I use to "relax" isn't really a kind of Sabbath rest, either. Because when I get home, I like to chill. You know? Grab some dinner, watch TV, mess around online. And I'm not saying all of those activities are always purposeless. But though I have spent days (even recent days, due to being sick) doing relatively little, I still don't know what it is like to take a Sabbath. To set aside a day in which I do not work, or create anything, and I do not fill the the silence.

Yesterday I was listening to a couple of Ransomed Heart podcasts, and John Eldredge was (appropriately!) talking about hearing God. And he stressed the idea that if you are caught up in the urgency of the moment, of needing an immediate answer from God, then you will most likely not be able to hear Him. I think you can see where I'm going with this. So Eldredge says the attitude needs to be one of openness, humility. Yielding.

Which is kind of the opposite of what I've been doing.

I mean, I try to have the posture of one who understands how dependent she is on God for all the good things in her life. But somehow, urgency begins to crowd all of that out. Daily--sometimes hourly--I have to readjust my attitude. Lately, I've found Jon Foreman's song "Your Love is Strong" to be helpful. Because panic sets in all too quickly, till all I can see and hear is chaos and confusion. And then JF sings,

"So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need,
You know what I need.
Your love is,
Your love is,
Your love is, Strong."

Actually, I've been listening to all four of Jon Foreman's Eps a lot lately, and found them to be very healing. If you don't know, he's the lead singer of Switchfoot (currently my favorite band) and he put out four short cds, one for each season: Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. (He also collaborated on a project called Fiction Family with Nickel Creek's Sean Watkins, and I've been digging that cd, too. Wendy & E & I saw them in concert at Grove City College a couple weeks back, but that's another story.) He's just incredibly honest and yet hopeful at the same time, and the songs have been speaking to me.

Well, God has. If I just take the time to listen. If I quiet my heart and the desperate questions clamoring to be answered.

If I yield.

Most Ardently

So, despite the lack of bloggage, there actually has been a lot going on--at least in my noggin.

2009 has been decent to me so far, how about you?

• I'm heading down to Branson at the end of the week, tagging along on my dad & brother's road trip to Texas. Can't wait to see my BFF! Brianne's got a great role in her community's production of "Into the Woods," and I get to see it opening weekend!!!
• Then a couple of weeks later, she's coming to the Burgh. Sweet! Party at my place!!
  
• I got to see Fiction Family in concert at Grove City last weekend. Fiction Family is a project of Nickel Creek's Sean Watkins and Switchfoot's Jon Foreman. Check out their album--it's really good. The concert was fun, too!
• I'm reading this book called "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl." It's a true story of a girl (Shauna Reid) from Australia who went from 350 lbs to lose half her body weight over six years. She didn't use a magic pill, and she struggled through rough patches where she regained some of what she'd worked so hard to lose. It's really good--and it's not a diet how-to. It's about learning to accept yourself, no matter what flaws you see when you look in the mirror. She even finds love in a Scottish pub (this is me being jealous!!)--before reaching her "ideal weight."
• I've finally begun to achieve some maturity by keeping my flat relatively clean this past month. This is a big achievement for messy ol' me. But something happened when I cleaned up on New Year's Day. Ever since then, I've magically begun putting this back where they belong, and straightening periodically, instead of waiting until it's an absolute wreck that I can't find anything in.
• I borrowed my friend Wendy's copy of the Keira Knightley version of "Pride and Prejudice" and have watched it three times.
  

Wait. Somehow I suspect that last one should not have made it on the list. It's not really an accomplishment; it's certainly not anything to brag about. But...it is true. I even downloaded the soundtrack. Yes, I've been feeding my voracious inner sap with Victorian romance. *Sigh.* There's just something about that Darcy that gets me every time. And, hey, I'm a single, romantic gal. I can't dream, can't I? And make flair...and desktop backgrounds featuring photos and quotes from the movie....Okay, fine, I'm obsessed. You can say it.

Seriously, though--and I hope this isn't a shocker--I've been thinking about love lately. How it seems to come so easy to some people, and yet, it's eluded me for so long. I'm not bitter, though sometimes it's very easy to get cynical. Is it possible there's a "Darcy" waiting for me somewhere? Are there any left? And even if there were, what are the chances he and I would a) meet and b) fall in love?

I've spent the last few years being relatively content with my singleness. (Read the archives. It's documented.) Now, as 30 looms on the horizon, I'm starting to wonder if love will ever come my way. I'm not particularly worried. But heaven help me!--I can't watch a movie like "Pride & Prejudice" without feeling something stirring in my sappy ol' heart! A longing to be pursued and loved, like Elizabeth was. Well, God alone knows if and when that will ever happen.

So, since romance is out of the picture for me right now, I'm trying to focus on other things. Like being healthy, tidy, and content. Mm. Okay, so that last one's a bit tough. The truth is, I STILL have NO IDEA what I'm doing with my life. I keep thinking something's going to change. I keep waiting for a sign, some direction, anything. BUT...I'm also trying not to stress out about not having my life figured out. Even if I am nearing 30!

There are days--most notably, Mondays--when I groan and grumble and whine about feeling stuck. But I'm trying to remember that God has a plan for me, even when I can't see it. He is leading me, even though at the moment it feels like I'm going nowhere. It's not for lack of trying!

I wrote last year about how I felt like I could sense change around the corner. I wasn't kidding; I still do feel that way. But it's vague and hazy; it hasn't taken shape yet. Does it include a Scotsman who will fall "most ardently" in love with me? I have no idea.

For now, I'm trying not to get to overwhelmed with big-picture things. I'm trying to focus on baby steps. Small changes I'm making. Little goals. This time next week, I'll be at Brianne's!! Yay!! And that's about as far ahead as I can see. Luckily, it's a pretty great view.

PS: For those who, like me, share an affinity for all things Austen, I give you my P&P background:

Considering I haven't done one of these in a few years, I'm rather proud of it. Made with the Gimp.

New

It’s the New Year; are we having fun yet?

Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman talks about the new year, saying how we love things to be new, but it is really just an illusion. When you wake up Jan. 1st, things really aren’t any different from the day before. Except now you have to remember to write a new year at the end of your date.

This is true, but I also think it’s an opportunity. Lots of things about time are just an illusion. Time itself, for example. Someday, we won’t have to worry about time. Being on time (like I never am), growing old, running out of time…those are things that will have no meaning.

For now, though, we are bound to time. We have to mark the passing of time somehow. And with a New Year, comes New Opportunities. At least, I hope so. I need this year to be different, to be better than last year. Desperately.

In that spirit, I actually made a list of resolutions, seven of them. I don’t usually do this, because I think it kinds of sets you up for a fall, but my good friend Jana reminded me that change doesn’t really happen overnight, and you have to be gracious with yourself in starting a new habit (or breaking an old one).

I’m doing alright so far. Not perfect, but alright. One of the things I included in my resolutions was to get: a cute haircut and possibly color, my nose pierced, and/or a tattoo. WHY??? You ask. Well, I have my reasons; perhaps I’ll post them later. So far I haven’t gotten these done yet, except I did cut my hair. I wish desperately that I had the guts to dye my hair a bright shocking pink, like the quiz I took recommends:

Your Hair Should Be Pink

Hyper, insane, and a boatload of fun. You're a traveling party that everyone loves to follow. (Yeah, that's totally me. Party Animal.)

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

But who knows? The year is young. Maybe the next time you see me, I will be new on the outside, not just on the inside, where God is making the most important changes. 

Nothing is Sound

I got a new CD the other day. I took it home from the store and cut it open to read the lyrics. I was blown away. I put it in the CD player to listen and just continued to play it over and over. I have been listening to it almost constantly.

Now if I was Brianne, you would know what the album was without even asking, since she talks about her passion all the time on her blog.

But this is my blog and therefore you probably want to know what CD I’m referring to. (Unless, of course, you recognized the title.)

I’m talking about Switchfoot’s new album, Nothing is Sound. I first got into Switchfoot with their Beautiful Letdown CD, so it’s not like I’m a long-time, die-hard fan writing here. But I was touched deeply by songs like “Meant to Live,” “This is Your Life,” and “Dare You to Move” (which is probably one of my most favorite songs ever).

So naturally I was drawn to the new CD, despite my brother’s warning that a friend of his hadn’t liked it as much. Well, I like it so much that I’m blogging about it, except I hardly know where to begin.

I guess what hits me most and hardest is the unrelentless honesty of their songs. They are singing about things like brokenness and wounds and what is life all about, anyway? They pick up on the absurd paradoxes and double standards of our culture in a way that keeps form being overly cynical by adding in hope, and they aren’t afraid to humbly admit they are as much a part of the problem as anyone else.

I love it.

The minute I began reading the lyrics, I was hooked. But now I’ve been playing it over and over, and I just went to their website. I read Jon Foreman’s notes on how the songs came about and what the album is really supposed to be saying. I almost cried. Sometimes I’m afraid that the things I love so swiftly and deeply are things I will regret later. This is probably a lie of the Enemy. I told my family (and Brianne) that it felt like they had read through Ecclesiastes before writing the songs, and Foreman mentioned not only Ecclesiastes, but Psalms as well. He spoke with such honesty about the paradoxes in our world…I don’t know why but it was so refreshing.

This is the kind of CD I could put in at the end of a long, horrible day, when I’m angry with my life or myself or when I just don’t understand what is going on in the world. And it is the kind of CD that would make me feel better. It is like a lament: it starts with questions, with admissions of pain, loneliness, and wounds…and moves into an acknowledgement that there is still hope. It lets you cry, it lets you sing, it lets you breathe.

To keep this from sounding like an ad for Switchfoot, I just want to make it clear why I love it so much. I have felt for a long time that there is something lacking in our culture—and that it has spilled over into the Church. Call it what you want—honesty, openness, authenticity. We are afraid to be ourselves. We are afraid to let others see us struggling. Wait. No. I. I am afraid to let people know when I am hurting. I don’t want people to see me when I am vulnerable. I hate to cry in front of others.

I think the reason for this is that something critical happens when we share the vulnerable broken parts of ourselves with someone else. You can only forge a genuine friendship—or any other kind of ’ship—when you are real with someone else. And if there is one thing our Enemy hates, it is fellowship. He will keep us from being real if it keeps us from being connected.

These songs are about brokenness; they aren’t about how great life is when you become a Christian. They aren’t La-la-la-le-lujah songs. Those have their place, but we’ve made them the center. We have forgotten how to lament.

Sometimes when I walk into church, I want to turn around and walk right back out again. I hear the music: it’ another “It’s a Wonderful Day So Let’s Praise the Lord” song. Are you kidding me? I overslept and missed breakfast and got into fights on the way here. I had a lousy week at my lousy job. The highlight of my week was watching TV. And now I’m supposed to automatically turn on my smile and start singing? I can’t do it. Well, I guess I can…but I don’t like to. I need time and silence to get my heart right with God again.

These songs speak to that need. They speak to that place inside you that wonders while you sing in church, “Am I really satisfied? Am I really as happy in Christ as this song says I should be?” So if you’ve ever felt like something wasn’t right—with you, with the world, with everything—go get this CD. And go read what they have to say about the songs. And don’t ask me if they are a Christian Band. Listen to it and decide for yourself.

And the next time someone asks how you were doing, before automatically responding, “Fine,” at least consider being honest.