2010 in Review

Or, It was a Helluva Year, Wasn’t It?

Well, it’s the end of one year and the beginning of another.  Whenever I get to the end of December, I start to feel weird—restless, introspective, and vaguely unsatisfied.  Lots of people get reflective and zealous about the New Year, and I am prone to self-reflection throughout the year, so the New Year is like a double dose.  I look back on the year and wonder, what exactly did I accomplish?  And in the areas I feel I fell short, how can I improve?

While the idea of a fresh start is appealing to most of us, I think there’s something misleading in analyzing our months in terms of success and failure.  We set goals for ourselves with the best of intentions, but then get upset when Life intervenes and sends us off course. 

In 2010, I had three different addresses in three different states.  Believe me, that was NOT the plan when I started my year.  For ten and a half months, the vast majority of my belongings were in a storage unit in Branson, Missouri.  Also not part of the plan.  For nine months, I lived in my brother’s dining room in Austin, Texas.  SO not part of the plan (though I am grateful to him for putting up with me).  I also spent a third of the year unemployed.  But the other two thirds of the year, I did get to work with some really amazing kids whom I will miss in my new State.

In the middle of the year, I had an adventurous summer working at a day camp with the Y.  It was challenging, exhausting, and awesome.  I met some truly awesome and geeky tweens and got to experience a different side of Austin.  It absolutely was one of the highlights of my 2010.

In 2010, I searched desperately for direction and purpose.  I rediscovered a partly buried desire to go to Ireland as a missionary, to live relationally and be a part of the kingdom there.  The desire had never really left, it had simply been cluttered by other more immediate duties (like working, paying bills, and moving).  This year I did something about that desire: I attended an assessment conference held by the missions organization I wanted to go with, and they called me to work with them in Ireland.  It was such a moment of joy and clarity for me; but since then I allowed the same cluttering to reoccur, and I have done little since this summer to keep myself on the path to Ireland.  If I am going to go in 2011, I have a tremendous amount of work to do in the coming months.

I did a good bit of reading in 2010, including several books about the “new” things that are happening in the Christian community, things that excite me.  I attended a really wonderful church in Austin that brought me a lot of healing and encouragement.  I thought a lot about community and change and relational evangelism, but in reality, I spent most nights in front of the TV with my brother.  While I love a good story and I got see quite a few, there’s no doubt that I have been doing a little too much watching and thinking and not enough doing.  At the beginning of the year, I read Donald Miller’s “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” in which he talks profoundly about living a Good Story with your life.  It was part of what got me back on track about Ireland.  But now I am at the end of the year, and I wonder: did my months add up to a good story?

Now I am “home,” living with family again.  I never lived in Federal Way before, but about twelve years ago, we lived in Shelton, which is a couple hours away.  So it is like being home, in a weird way.  It’s beautiful here; the house we’re staying in has a view of the water, and on clear days (like today) you can even see the mountains.  My community is my extended family and the church that most of them attend—a tiny community church not at all like the one in Austin.  But my dad works there with the youth, and they feed the homeless every week, and they let us hold a Blue Christmas service.  This was my fourth year in a row putting together a service that allows people to step into the Christmas story with all their grief and sorrow and see that it may not be the “most wonderful time of the year,” but God is still with us.  

So I am facing 2011 and my mind is racing, trying to connect the disjointed stories of my year and retrace my erratic steps.  Did I learn anything?  Did I grow?  Did I change?  Did I discover anything profound about myself?  What did I accomplish (besides catching up on entire series of television)?  

• I kicked butt at laser tag (and got my butt kicked at paintball!)
• I paid off my credit card (cue hallelujah chorus, please)
• I finished one novel and am a chapter or two away from finishing another
• I kept my cat alive and well through three moves (sometimes with great protest on her part…)
• I read over thirty books
• I finally got some of the pictures I took in 2009 into frames

…Yes, major milestones all, clearly.  But seriously—what do YOU think the measure of success for a year is?  I’m still undecided on what to think of 2010 overall.  It was a strange and difficult year, woven from dark and knobby threads, but there were some strands of silver and gold in there, too.  Maybe the contrast is what makes it beautiful.  It was a hard year, but I am grateful for many things, including this opportunity to start fresh, close out one chapter and begin another.  

May my 2011 be less about goals and success as it is about telling a Good Story with my days, one I can be happy about when I am facing 2012.  And may you have a happy and blessed 2011, too.

A Most Auspicious Post

Okay, I admit--that last post was filler. Fluff. It's been a while since I wrote anything real, I know. But for once, I actually waited to write for a specific reason:

This post, the one you're reading right now, not only marks my three-year-anniversary of blogging, it's also my 100th post.

I thought about a lot of different things to write on this most auspicious post, for my 100th message and three year anniversary. I considered doing a recap. Or talking about the changes taking place in my life. But then I got all introspective-like. So I've sort of gone back and read through a bunch of my previous posts, just to get a sense of where I've been and where I'm going. After all, blogs are really kind of like non-private diaries that we share with the world. I was looking for common themes, and I found them.

I talk a lot about: Singleness (how I'm okay with where I am), Jobs (how I'm wrestling with what my calling and vocation are), and Pop Culture (how I interpret the stories I see).

I began this blog three years ago at the advice of my best friend Brianne. (She started a blog at the same time, but has much more of a social life then I do.) She felt that it would be a good forum for me to sort of send my thoughts out into the universe. At the time, I was really struggling with balancing my ambition to be an author and my frustration with not being published. She, like a few others in my life who I'm eternally grateful for, felt I had something to say.

Right now, I'm trying to assess whether her belief in me was accurate or not. Have I said anything important, weighty, or significant in these 100 posts? It's not that I'm fishing for reassurance or a pat on the back. I'm just evaluating.

And, more importantly, should I continue to write? Keep trying to say something? Should I keep up this humble blog, even when it seems like no one is reading it? I never had extravagant expectations for this. I wasn't anticipating hundreds of hits a day. Still, it's nice to know when people read it. It's nice to get a few comments. It helps me to know whether I've communicated what I set out to share. And, it connects you and me, through this vast network we call the Internet.

Blogging is such a weird thing. It puts words and thoughts out there for anyone to read, and yet no one does. Or at least, it feels like no one does, unless they leave a comment or make a point to say so. Still, last night I was reminded that sometimes the things I do and say that seem insignificant to me can have more importance than I realize. I don't know how or why that happens, except through God.

And the plain, honest truth is, if it weren't for God, and His work in my life, I wouldn't have a thing to say.

A Smattering of Blogthings...

...for no particular reason. I was bored. Just felt like sharing my quiz results. Feel free to join me in my quiz-mania.

Inside the Room of Your Soul You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is in a very different place (both physically and mentally) from where you are right now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust. Inside the Room of Your Soul How You Live Your Life You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. How Do You Live Your Life? You Are Bold When it Counts You don't make a big fuss about getting what you want... unless it's really important to you. Then you're as bold as you want to be. You just go for it! You're often up for a little excitement and adventure. Well, as long as the cost isn't too great. You enjoy risk, but not for it's own sake. Let's just say you've learned a few lessons about risk in your life. Are You Bold? You're Not Exactly a Hippie... While you're not a hippie, you've got the spirit of one. Like most hippies, you have deep beliefs and unusual interests. You may not buy into hippie fashions, music, or heavy drug use. But at heart, you are a free spirit and suspicious of the status quo. Are You a Hippie? Your Independence Level: High You are extremely self reliant and autonomous. You are definitely into doing your own thing. But you also wouldn't turn down help if you needed it. You follow your own path, but you don't do so blindly. How Independent Are You? Your Personality Profile You are dignified, spiritual, and wise. Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself. You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books. You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life. You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world. A good friend, you always give of yourself first. The World's Shortest Personality Test

A New Chapter

I have this ritual that I've done for the past decade or so of my life. Every year, I stay up the night before my birthday and reflect on my life. This usually involves some kind of writing, and normally it's done in a journal. But this year I decided to be different.

I'm 29 this year.

I was talking to a friend tonight, who is 20, and she was saying how she felt like she's got her whole life ahead of her--and she does. I'm nearly a decade older, and I feel the same way. Suddenly.

For a while, I was really wrestling with this whole "29" thing. I mean, let's face it. I am NOT where I thought I'd be by now. Far from it. And yet, there is a kind of freedom in that. For whatever reasons, God in His wisdom has kept me here since college. And I'm okay with that, because He's always provided for me.

But now, I sense a change on the horizon. it's like it's been there all along, just...hidden. Elusive. Tucked away.

The odd thing is, part of accepting that change means letting go of where I am now. There is an area of my life, a ministry I've been involved in for a while, that I have to leave behind, and God is using a very painful method to get me to let go. But everywhere around me, I keep hearing things that make me think that this is His plan for me. I mean, sometimes it happens this way. Caspian had to be chased out of his castle to find Narnia, right?

I'm going to Ireland this summer.

That in itself is a big deal; but I'm not going just for the prayer conference or to be a tourist. I'm thinking (& praying) about living there. Moving there. That's right, becoming a missionary.

I don't know what will happen. Maybe God will close the door, like He's closed other doors. but maybe not. Maybe it's time for me to move on again, time for another new chapter in my life.

Chesterton says: “An adventure is, by its nature, a thing that comes to us.
It is a thing that chooses us, not a thing that we choose.”

And Aslan says: "You would not have been calling me unless I had called you first."

Finally, Tolkien says: "The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began
....and whither then? I cannot say."

Would you continue to pray with and for me about Ireland? I wish I could be more eloquent about it, but at the moment, my heart's too full...I see blank pages before me. I feel like I'm still waiting for a sign; but really, I just want to feel supported. I want to know that's where God wants me.

And I want to sing, like Switchfoot does at the end of "Prince Caspian,"

I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home...

50 Non-Dates

Once in a while, I have one of Those Days.

You know. Days that make you stop and think. Like, Where am I going with my life? What does God have in store for me? ...Am I ever going to find someone?

I am, by any definition, a hopeless romantic. Shocker, I know. So I'm not generally prone to pessimism when it comes to Love. I mean, things have taken a toll on my heart, sure. I have a tendency to get cynical every now and then. I think it's hardest when I realize that once again, I gave my heart away too quickly. That it wasn't valued by the guy the way I'd hoped it was.

It's actually easier, in some ways, to be hopeful when there is no one on the horizon. Then my imagination has free reign.

I'm back at that point again.

A couple weeks ago, I watched the movie August Rush. (I highly recommend it, by the way.) There's this thing August says about hearing the music that is all around. He talks about following the music, and how it leads people together. There was something so enchanting about that idea; and I thought to myself, That's what I need. Someone who hears the music, like I do. Because in a way, I do.

So, I've been rejuvenated by this idea. I guess I have to believe that if God has someone for me, he'll be right for me. I admit, I wrestle with this at times. I fear that I'll end up with someone who doesn't understand me, or whom I'm not completely crazy about. The truth is, I know things won't be perfect. Not like in the movies.

Tonight I watched the end of a few sappy movies that were on TV. And then I watched one of my DVDs. I own around 50 romantic movies. Chick flicks. Romantic comedies. From time to time I've worried that such a thing would intimidate any potential guys--probably because I read it some kind of Brio-type article when I was younger. And I've also worried that it might have warped my own perception of Reality.

Other times I think Chick Flicks have preserved my sanity. The thing is, I haven't had a lot of romance in my own life. I've just barely dated, and never been seriously involved with any guy. Because of this, I often like to think of my movies as Non-Dates. A lovely little spot of romance in my evening, as I imagine what it would be like to be swept up in something like that.

Yes, I'm a Sap. But, God made me this way for a Reason. I believe that. Maybe I'm meant to be Single always. It's also possible that I could end up with someone who is not sentimental or romantic in the least. Either way, I'm not going to worry about that now. Not when there is so much romance to be had...at least in the movies. :)

I’m Not Sorry

I have recently noticed something about myself. Every so often I go on these self-awareness kicks, trying to figure out who I am and why I do the things I do. And there is something I have caught myself doing quite frequently over the last few weeks: apologizing.

I must say “I’m sorry,” dozens of times a day. Often for things that are not my fault. Or, for just being who I am. And I’m tired of it.

I discovered this with the help of my friend Lynne, who also is a Recovering Apologetic. For most of our lives, we have apologized to the people around us for the most ridiculous things imaginable. We just had a conversation about it. I’ve apologized for standing in the aisle at the grocery store, for making people wait for anything for more than five seconds, for liking chick flicks and the color pink, for being passionate about stories, for basically being a girl, and in particular being me.

In fact, I had previously considered apologizing for the somewhat schizophrenic nature of my last two posts. But I’m not going to. Because they were honest, and true to what I was feeling at the moment I wrote them.

I know I’m not the only one who does this. Why are we so apologetic? Why are we afraid of making people uncomfortable? I worry over inconveniencing anyone at all. And why? Aren’t we all inconvenienced at some point? And don’t we all learn that it’s just part of life, and deal with it?

There is something to be said for honesty, even the brutal kind. I mean, I’m of the persuasion that all things should be in moderation, so I don’t think you can walk around being brutally honest all the time. There are times when tact is called for, and we should be considerate of people’s feelings. We should pick our battles. By the same token, sometimes you gotta speak up, and let yourself be heard.

There are a lot of things I’ve gotten from reading Eldredge, and one is the idea that we ought to be fully who God made us to be. We were made in His image, and we have a bestowed glory that reflects our Maker. But most of us, myself included, walk around shrouded. We’re afraid to let people see us as we truly are. We’re afraid of the consequences of letting people feel the full weight of who we are.

For women, this often means worrying that our feelings and emotions are too much for others to handle. We bottle it up, not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable with what we truly feel. You know what I mean. We do the whole “Oh, no, it’s okay. I’m fine. Really,” thing. We don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

The problem is, sometimes that means we miss out on calling forth the best in others. The bible says that iron sharpens iron, and we sharpen each other. We do that best when we are being honest with each other and not hiding. And not apologizing for being who God created us to be. He made us each to fill different roles, use different gifts, and be different parts of the body. And we need to stop apologizing for being the part He made us to be.

There are, of course, times when it is necessary to say “Sorry.” And sometimes that’s when it’s hardest for me to say! It’s much easier to apologize for things that aren’t my fault than things that are! But you can hold me accountable: from here on out, I only want to apologize for things that genuinely ought to be apologized for. I will no longer say I’m sorry for being who I am. If I can help it.

Apparently, I'm Teal.

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?

Is it weird that I actually feel like that kind of fits me???
Plus, I love teal.

I <3 Quiz

So…I have this bad habit. It’s not bad as in, it leads to poor hygiene or moral decay. It's just a humongous waste of time.

There are, I suppose, many bad habits which waste time. There are some good habits which also use up time. Some of them are justifiable. This one, I’m afraid, is not.

I like to take quizzes. I do. I "heart" quizzes.

You know, those stupid, silly, little “What is your Inner Color?” or “Which Harry Potter Character is Your Soulmate?” quizzes—I eat them up. I could spend hours taking them. One quiz leads to another, which links to another, and so on. They all sound interesting, with their shiny titles and unspoken promises of self-awareness.

Except that they’re not; they are just for fun, and many of them are written by fifteen year olds who can’t spell. But there are a few fun ones. I actually like the idea of making my own tests up. I actually did make one, the LOST personality test. That was fun. And also, very time-consuming. (There are seventeen different characters you can be).

It seems that the internet universe is now filled with these magic tests which reveal little tidbits about your personality. But I got my start from teen magazines. With titles like “Does He Really Like You?” and “Is it Love, or a Crush?”, I was sucked in. Inevitably, I discovered that it was easy to cheat on these quizzes; most of the scenarios they described I had never been in, and was unlikely to ever be in. Even with my overabundant imagination, it was tough to picture myself doing any of the three ridiculous options provided to me.

But you know what? As flawed and flimsy as these quizzes are, I do still enjoy them. I love when I am able to get a tiny bit of a definition of myself. It’s usually never 100% accurate, but when is it ever? Although I hate being boxed in and labeled on one hand, on the other hand, I sometimes start to feel too unique, too out there. That’s when quizzes come in handy—to remind me that God made me special, but He also made me able to relate to other people.

So, this isn’t really an advocation of quizzes; but if you have a favorite, feel free to share it! Also, I came across this Johari window thing that looks interesting. So—feel free to give your input there. To Self-Awareness!—even if it’s only being aware of the silly parts of yourself!

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

UPDATE: (10/31/06)
In my search for the perfect quiz, I recently came across this little gem. It's very enlightning.
It's called "The Ultimate Personality Test," and it's on a British site. Enjoy!

Weird

After writing my last post, in which I confessed that as much as I want to be married, it’s not at the top of my to-do list, I started think about just how weird I am. You’d really think that a hopeless romantic like me would rate marriage as her number one goal in life, but...no. Sadly, this is not the only bizarre thing about me, as you’d see if you really knew me. So, for the heck of it, I thought I’d come clean and post a list of the 27 weirdest things about me (27, btw, is my favorite number). [For future readers, I'm adding edits in this color, over 4 years later.]

1. I have never lived anywhere for more than about five years. Some places I lived less than a year. [Pittsburgh was seven years.]

2. I am a phone-a-phobe. I hate to call people on the telephone. I don’t even like ordering pizza. I don’t know why; but I would much rather write an email or a real letter than call someone that I don’t know very well. And I mean very well.

3. I don’t like the taste of alcohol. I barely tolerate the smell. [This has changed.  I have come to enjoy some types very much in moderation.]
4. I currently own over 500 books, crammed into my bedroom. And I fully intend to buy many more.  [I couldn't begin to guess. Probably twice that.]
5. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 24 years old.
6. I have only been on two real dates. With two different guys.
7. I went to four different high schools.
8. I don’t believe in evolution. [At least, not macro evolution.]
9. I haven’t celebrated Halloween since I was five.
10. When I was in high school, I refused to watch Friends.
11. I like to watch TV and movies with the closed captions on, even though I am not hearing impaired.
12. I work at a coffee shop, but I don’t drink coffee.  [Yep, drink that now, too, thanks to my stint at Starbucks.]
13. In my spare time, when I’m bored, I watch Disney Channel programs. And I enjoy them.
14. I believe with my whole heart that there is a God, and that He created me, died for me, and loves me.
15. I am both a cat and a dog person.
16. Some people hear things and burst into song (my parents); I hear things and it will remind me of a movie quote. And I have to say it. And it will sound totally random.
17. Whenever I watch something (TV, movie) I play the “Where have I seen him/her” game. If an actor or actress is familiar, I have to figure out where I’ve seen him or her before. Luckily, IMDB has made that a whole lot easier for me.
18. I laugh out loud when I’m reading or watching something, no matter where I am.
19. I write in my books; I underline and circle things and scribble in the margins even if it’s a work of fiction. I can’t not write (if it’s my copy).
20. I randomly use a British accent in conversation; but my whole family does this. [This has gotten worse since becoming obsessed with Doctor Who.]
21. I really don’t like going to the beach or camping. [Actually, it depends on the beach, the campsite, and who I'm with.  I quite liked Greystones beach in Ireland, for example.]
22. I watch the credits of movies.
23. I eat cake for the frosting. But only if it’s the “good” kind.
24. My legs do not tan. They stay super-white no matter how long I stay out. [Except in Texas, as I discovered during a long summer as a camp counselor in the scorching sun.]

25. I snort when I laugh if I think something is really funny.
26. I’m actually friends with my brother and parents.
27. I don’t care a whit which way the toilet paper goes.

There you have it! I’m a freak. Though you probably already suspected this was true, now you have proof. But you know, I wouldn’t trade all my quirks and idiosyncrasies even if I could. Maybe that’s the weirdest thing about me.

PS: I challenge you to come up with a weird thing about me and post it in a comment. Go on. I can take it. 

Seattle

I know. It's about time. I've been sooo sick of seeing my whiny post every time I logged onto the internet--which, granted, wasn't that often, and never for very long. Obviously my life didn't automatically calm down just because I went from three jobs to two...

By the way, I am enjoying my new job, and for those who were wondering, I don't miss my old one. If that sounds horrible, then I apologize. I didn't mean for it to. I'm simply being matter-of-fact.

But at the present, I am on vacation. *Sigh of contentment*
It's the holidays, and I am spending it with family. My parents and I flew to Washington state for Thanksgiving to be with my aunt and her kids (she has six, three of which are still at home and four of whom are younger than me). And I'm so glad to be here. We used to live out here, a couple hours away, actually, and for a time the whole horde of us lived in one house (and shared one bathroom!!).

Earlier this week we went down to Pike Place Market, you know, the big shopping area in downtown Seattle, where they sell the fish? It was in the movie Sleepless in Seattle. Then today we went to the dinky town we used to live in, where I spent my senior year. It was interesting seeing how the town had changed...and hearing how the people I used to know had changed, too. It doesn't sound like it was all that long ago when you put it in years, but it feels like a very long time ago. In fact, I was just telling one of my cousins last night that if the Teenage Me met the Me Today, we might not get along too well. And I've been thinking about why I've changed in the ways that I have. All in all, it's been educational. Probably all this introspective stuff will come out in greater detail in one of my books someday, so I won't spoil it for you now.

Till next time, when I will probably talk (read: complain) about Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, have a Happy Thanksgiving!!