Happy Freakin’ February 14th

Wow, so I had this nerdy joke all lined up for weeks about how the most important thing about this Feb 14^th was that they were going to start filming The Hobbit.  But then Peter Jackson had to go and get sick so they pushed it back to March, so there goes my punchline.  So instead, I searched for geeky Valentine’s Day jokes, and sadly, this was the best I came up with:

An electron is out a courting an atom and keeps flying around the atom to get its attention. Exasperated from all the attention, the atom asks, "Why do you persist in running these circles around me?" The electron replies, "I'm strangely attracted to you."

And then there was this:

Roses reflect a light frequency at one end of the visible electromagnetic spectrum,
Violets reflect a light frequency at the other end of the visible electromagnetic spectrum,
Sugar is C12H22O11,
And you release the endorphins in my brain.

But seriously.   I know it seems like every year at Valentine ’s Day I do a little rant about singleness and how much Valentine’s Day sucks.  Usually this is the point where I make some kind of speech about how I LOVE my singleness and I’m doing great and I’m content with where God has me.  While all that is true about 70% of the time, I must confess there is another side to all that, even though I don’t usually like talking about it.

Now, I’m a sap, but I’m also kind of a cynic at times, so I’m well aware that coupledom and & marriage do not equal a lifetime of bliss and a shiny, conflict-free future.  So hear me when I say that I do not think being in a relationship would fix my problems or make everything better.  It’s not that.  It’s just that…well, I’m a sap.  Always have been.  I’ve been dreaming of love since I was a wee thing—even when I thought boys were gross, I still sort of expected to find one I’d like someday.

I already have a hard enough time with my sentimental, mushy tendencies the other eleven months of the year.  Forgive me for sounding just a tiny bit whiny here, but then Valentine’s Day comes along and amplifies the whole damn thing.  I hate coming across bitter or desperate.  I’m really not.

It’s just…I have this idea in my head, you know?  That someday there will be a guy who will…see me.  And not just glance at my externals, measuring me against the current ingrained ideas of beauty and perfection.  Really see me.  Take a second look and find the beauty the goes below skin depth.  And he’ll take a moment to get to know me a little better.  Find out what common interests we have, what deep beliefs and convictions we share.  We’d become friends, laugh over things, share meals and drinks and our lives.  And if it were a story I was writing, the key part would be the moment when he’d take the step of going beyond friendship, of pursuing something more with me.  And not halfheartedly, but with a passion that would make all this waiting I’m currently doing worth it.

Some days I have a really hard time believing in such a scenario.  I see it unfolding in other people’s lives, but for me it seems so remote.  Other days I have to believe it, or I’d probably despair.  And whatever happens, I don’t want to turn into a bitter spinster.  I know God has a plan for me and has kept me on this path for a reason (though I have no idea what it is).

So this Valentine’s Day, though I may roll my eyes at the garishness & commercialization of it all, I will not let cynicism have the final word.  This year, I will choose to keep my hopes up and to believe love is real and romance is out there…I just haven’t found it yet.

And so for you, whoever you are, wherever you are, despite whatever is taking you so long, this song is for you.

To everyone else:

If you’re with someone you love, forget all that mushy frilly crap and focus on the reality that you’ve found someone worth sharing your life with.  That alone should make V day worth celebrating even in the simplest, smallest ways.

If like me, you’re single, let's band together against despair.  We’ll have our day.  Until then, this one’s for us—not geeky, not all “single power,” but sort of an honest prayer sung by gleeks:

And Happy Freakin’ February 14^th!

Most Ardently

So, despite the lack of bloggage, there actually has been a lot going on--at least in my noggin.

2009 has been decent to me so far, how about you?

• I'm heading down to Branson at the end of the week, tagging along on my dad & brother's road trip to Texas. Can't wait to see my BFF! Brianne's got a great role in her community's production of "Into the Woods," and I get to see it opening weekend!!!
• Then a couple of weeks later, she's coming to the Burgh. Sweet! Party at my place!!
  
• I got to see Fiction Family in concert at Grove City last weekend. Fiction Family is a project of Nickel Creek's Sean Watkins and Switchfoot's Jon Foreman. Check out their album--it's really good. The concert was fun, too!
• I'm reading this book called "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl." It's a true story of a girl (Shauna Reid) from Australia who went from 350 lbs to lose half her body weight over six years. She didn't use a magic pill, and she struggled through rough patches where she regained some of what she'd worked so hard to lose. It's really good--and it's not a diet how-to. It's about learning to accept yourself, no matter what flaws you see when you look in the mirror. She even finds love in a Scottish pub (this is me being jealous!!)--before reaching her "ideal weight."
• I've finally begun to achieve some maturity by keeping my flat relatively clean this past month. This is a big achievement for messy ol' me. But something happened when I cleaned up on New Year's Day. Ever since then, I've magically begun putting this back where they belong, and straightening periodically, instead of waiting until it's an absolute wreck that I can't find anything in.
• I borrowed my friend Wendy's copy of the Keira Knightley version of "Pride and Prejudice" and have watched it three times.
  

Wait. Somehow I suspect that last one should not have made it on the list. It's not really an accomplishment; it's certainly not anything to brag about. But...it is true. I even downloaded the soundtrack. Yes, I've been feeding my voracious inner sap with Victorian romance. *Sigh.* There's just something about that Darcy that gets me every time. And, hey, I'm a single, romantic gal. I can't dream, can't I? And make flair...and desktop backgrounds featuring photos and quotes from the movie....Okay, fine, I'm obsessed. You can say it.

Seriously, though--and I hope this isn't a shocker--I've been thinking about love lately. How it seems to come so easy to some people, and yet, it's eluded me for so long. I'm not bitter, though sometimes it's very easy to get cynical. Is it possible there's a "Darcy" waiting for me somewhere? Are there any left? And even if there were, what are the chances he and I would a) meet and b) fall in love?

I've spent the last few years being relatively content with my singleness. (Read the archives. It's documented.) Now, as 30 looms on the horizon, I'm starting to wonder if love will ever come my way. I'm not particularly worried. But heaven help me!--I can't watch a movie like "Pride & Prejudice" without feeling something stirring in my sappy ol' heart! A longing to be pursued and loved, like Elizabeth was. Well, God alone knows if and when that will ever happen.

So, since romance is out of the picture for me right now, I'm trying to focus on other things. Like being healthy, tidy, and content. Mm. Okay, so that last one's a bit tough. The truth is, I STILL have NO IDEA what I'm doing with my life. I keep thinking something's going to change. I keep waiting for a sign, some direction, anything. BUT...I'm also trying not to stress out about not having my life figured out. Even if I am nearing 30!

There are days--most notably, Mondays--when I groan and grumble and whine about feeling stuck. But I'm trying to remember that God has a plan for me, even when I can't see it. He is leading me, even though at the moment it feels like I'm going nowhere. It's not for lack of trying!

I wrote last year about how I felt like I could sense change around the corner. I wasn't kidding; I still do feel that way. But it's vague and hazy; it hasn't taken shape yet. Does it include a Scotsman who will fall "most ardently" in love with me? I have no idea.

For now, I'm trying not to get to overwhelmed with big-picture things. I'm trying to focus on baby steps. Small changes I'm making. Little goals. This time next week, I'll be at Brianne's!! Yay!! And that's about as far ahead as I can see. Luckily, it's a pretty great view.

PS: For those who, like me, share an affinity for all things Austen, I give you my P&P background:

Considering I haven't done one of these in a few years, I'm rather proud of it. Made with the Gimp.

50 Non-Dates

Once in a while, I have one of Those Days.

You know. Days that make you stop and think. Like, Where am I going with my life? What does God have in store for me? ...Am I ever going to find someone?

I am, by any definition, a hopeless romantic. Shocker, I know. So I'm not generally prone to pessimism when it comes to Love. I mean, things have taken a toll on my heart, sure. I have a tendency to get cynical every now and then. I think it's hardest when I realize that once again, I gave my heart away too quickly. That it wasn't valued by the guy the way I'd hoped it was.

It's actually easier, in some ways, to be hopeful when there is no one on the horizon. Then my imagination has free reign.

I'm back at that point again.

A couple weeks ago, I watched the movie August Rush. (I highly recommend it, by the way.) There's this thing August says about hearing the music that is all around. He talks about following the music, and how it leads people together. There was something so enchanting about that idea; and I thought to myself, That's what I need. Someone who hears the music, like I do. Because in a way, I do.

So, I've been rejuvenated by this idea. I guess I have to believe that if God has someone for me, he'll be right for me. I admit, I wrestle with this at times. I fear that I'll end up with someone who doesn't understand me, or whom I'm not completely crazy about. The truth is, I know things won't be perfect. Not like in the movies.

Tonight I watched the end of a few sappy movies that were on TV. And then I watched one of my DVDs. I own around 50 romantic movies. Chick flicks. Romantic comedies. From time to time I've worried that such a thing would intimidate any potential guys--probably because I read it some kind of Brio-type article when I was younger. And I've also worried that it might have warped my own perception of Reality.

Other times I think Chick Flicks have preserved my sanity. The thing is, I haven't had a lot of romance in my own life. I've just barely dated, and never been seriously involved with any guy. Because of this, I often like to think of my movies as Non-Dates. A lovely little spot of romance in my evening, as I imagine what it would be like to be swept up in something like that.

Yes, I'm a Sap. But, God made me this way for a Reason. I believe that. Maybe I'm meant to be Single always. It's also possible that I could end up with someone who is not sentimental or romantic in the least. Either way, I'm not going to worry about that now. Not when there is so much romance to be had...at least in the movies. :)

S.A.D.

I guess what it comes down to is that it’s just that time of year.

I mean, I could blame a lot of other things, I suppose; Hallmark, married friends, hormones, chocolate, chick flicks….but I really think it’s just the time of year.


You know what I mean: Valentine’s Day.
AKA, Singles Awareness Day.

You know how Valentine’s Day got this new nickname? Of course you do. It was so dubbed by the single, bitter masses who don’t like having their status rubbed in their faces every February the 14th.

I really don’t consider myself bitterly single—at least the majority of the time—but there are days. Like Valentine’s Day. Now, I have at least one friend who argued with me adamantly that V-Day is not just about romantic love, that’s it’s not just for couples. There is some truth to this; however, that’s just not the way it’s painted for the most part. Just as Christmas has largely lost its beautiful, deeper meaning in our materialistic culture, so Valentine’s Day, too, has become focused mainly on romantic love.

That’s really not so bad; it’s just that it always seems to come right around a time when I’m already struggling with issues connected to my singleness. Recently, for example, I was reading some articles on Boundless, a Webzine in affiliation with Focus on the Family. Overall, it’s a really good resource for people in their twenties; but their preoccupation with marriage frequently alarms me.

I think marriage is a good and honorable thing, but I don’t think it’s for everyone. And I think far too many people rush into it today as it is. Their view is that most people ought to be married, and those of us who are still single in our late twenties ought to consider what we could be doing to head toward marriage. At first, I was affronted by these assertions. Then one night, I took some time and read their articles directed toward young single women like me. At the end of the night, I was frustrated and rather depressed. You might think articles titled “Finding a Husband” or “Pulling a Ruth” might be very helpful; but unfortunately, they weren’t for me.

Ultimately, I came to kind of a startling conclusion. I sat and thought about what it is that’s really important to me right now. I realized that as much as I’d like to be married someday, it’s not at the top of my priority list. If it was, maybe the advice offered by Candace Watters might have been more helpful. But for several reasons, that’s just not my main goal right now:

1. I don’t really feel ready for marriage. I don’t know if anyone really is ready for everything marriage requires, but I think at some point I ought to be on my own and providing for myself before I “settle down.”
2. My deepest desire right now is to use the gifts I have in writing and relating stories to reach people and help them connect to God. That this was a deeper desire even than marriage kind of shocked me; but it’s true. I have to be faithful to what God has given me and how He made me.
3. I really don’t think that any of the guys I know right now (and there aren’t many who are single and my age) are “for me.” I’m pretty picky, and not just superficially; see my post on Singleness. I’m not totally closed to the idea; I just don’t see it happening.
4. I’m not desperate enough. I don’t mean this to sound disparaging. But I know I would have to really be desperate to use an online dating service, or to start “networking” with people who “might know somebody” for me (as Boundless suggests). And I’m not. I don’t want it so badly that I’m willing to use whatever resource is necessary, and maybe that’s my problem.
5. But I really feel that if it’s going to happen for me, then it’s just going to happen. I don’t mean that I wouldn’t have to do any work, just that my work wouldn’t be in the “finding the man” department. Why do I feel this way? I don’t know, except that many of the important things in life have just "happened" without me seeking them out (college, and most of my jobs). Is it too fatalistic? Is it too naïve? Maybe.

The good news is, no matter what I feel about Valentine’s Day or Singleness or Marriage, God is in control. He is the one I ultimately answer to for my convictions, so if I’m wrong, sooner or later He’ll show me.

Until then, I’m going to try viewing S.A.D. as something positive: I’m single right now, but not necessarily forever. My awareness of my status could be of its temporal fleetingness, and a reminder to use my time wisely (as opposed to pining over something I don’t have). Maybe some V-Day down the road, I’ll be viewing it through different eyes and revel in the celebration of romantic love.

Or maybe not. Only Time will tell.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. *In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. (Why should I have to guess?) You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. *You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. (Or never date them in the first place.) *Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. *Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. (No, girls never think about marriage.) In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
(Don't know if all that is entirely true, but it was fun anyway.)

Singleness

This morning I went to church with my parents. Usually I go on Saturday nights, to Community Worship at Memorial Park. But my dad recently got a job at North park Church, and they wanted to introduce him to the congregation. And he wanted the family to be there. No problem. My brother Kyle and I showed up (thankfully) right on time and took a seat. I was looking kinda cute—at least, I was wearing a blouse, skirt and heels, which is a bit of a stretch for a jeans-and-tee girl like me.

So they go through the announcements and a testimony and a couple of songs and finally ask my parents to go to the front. My dad says he was nervous, but it didn’t show. He was cracking jokes and keeping everyone’s attention. And then he decided to introduce us, his “adult children.” Kyle and I politely stood to say hi to everyone. And then he said it: “And they’re both single.” I sat down immediately. The congregation erupted into laughter.

It’s not that I minded or that I was even mad; it’s more of the label that bothers me. “Single.” Alone. Unpaired. Yeah, okay, so I’m single. Really single.

And if you know me, or if you have read my profile, you know that I’m twenty-six. Twenty-six and single. Is that as depressing as it sounds? I have other friends from college in the same boat. Even a couple that are still living at home, like me. (If you read my earlier posts about jobs it should be abundantly clear that I do not make enough to afford rent and other utilities.)

Most of the time I don’t mind being single. I’ve lived with it for a long time. I like my independence. But I happen to be an incurable romantic. If you look at my favorite movies list, you’ll see a few chick flicks in there. I have more. I am a SAP. When I watch movie and TV shows, I hope that the main characters fall in love and find happiness by then end. I’m a “shipper:” I root for certain couples to get and/or stay together. (Sidebar: some of my favorites include: Sydney and Vaughn from Alias; Bright and Hannah from Everwood; Sun and Jin from Lost; Harry and Ginny, and Ron and Hermione from Harry Potter; and Han and Leia from Star Wars.)

The Point: My Independence and my Hopeless Romantic-ness are quite often at odd with each other. Yes, I’d like to find someone and settle down. Yes, I’d like to get married and have a few kids someday. But I’m afraid I have too many unrealistic expectations planted in my head by my favorite sappy movies. I’m also afraid that some of the standards and things I’m looking for in a guy just aren’t ever going to come together. Deep down I think I do believe that there is a guy out there suited for me just as I am for him, whether or not he happens to be a Scottish, guitar-playing, intellectual, funny, adventurous Christian man. But some days it just seems like I’ll be stuck being labeled “single” forever. It wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to me, but it’s not what I’m hoping for.

But don’t you dare recommend E-harmony to me.