Dear Switchfoot,

Thank you.

For an awesome concert & a great night. For writing great music that is fun to listen to and still resonates deeply. And for being real & genuine, and hanging out in the parking lot after your show.

Jon Foreman: I got to shake your hand, get a pic, and tell you that your songs have meant a lot to me--but forgive me, I was a bit dazzled being in the presence of one of my heroes. So, here is what I meant to say, if I'd been able to be eloquent, witty, and didn't have to worry about the other people standing around:

Roughly five years ago, my brother told me about a song he heard on the radio. "It's by a band called Switchfoot," he said. "Have you heard of them? Are they Christian? Because I think he's talking about God."
I thought for a moment. I was pretty sure I had a song or two on some Christian compilations, like WOW. "Yeah, I think they are," I replied. Kyle went on to tell me more about the song "Meant to Live" and how good it was. Not long after, he bought the album, "The Beautiful Letdown." My brother is one of my sources for new music recommendations, so when he told me that it was a really good CD, I borrowed it. He didn't get it back for several months.

Eventually, my entire family had to buy our own copies, because we all loved it so much--all four of us with our own "Beautiful Letdown" CD. (Clearly, this was in the days before we had our zunes.) It took me a while to move past the first few songs, but I finally did and was blown away. You see, 2004-2005 was a rough time for me. I was in a job I hated. My family was going through some rough times--my mom had cancer, my dad was switching jobs, my grandmother died, and we were moving out of our house and into a really crappy apartment. And did I mention I hated my job?

Suddenly I had these songs calling to me, urging me, comforting me. Although I had my family, and we are close, I did not have a community of friendships at that point in my life. I was finding the transition from campus life to the real world challenging. It was a dry, deserty time for me. A dark night of the soul, as St. John of the Cross would say. It was, in fact, a Beautiful Letdown.

So, when I say these songs meant a lot to me, I feel like that's kind of an understatement. For the past few years, since TBL, I have continually found solace and strength in Switchfoot's songs. When "Nothing is Sound" came out, I was grateful for the raw, lament-like honesty of songs like "The Blues" and "Lonely Nation." (And I blogged about it, too.) When "Oh! Gravity" was released, I connected with songs like "The Awakening" and "4:12." I also discovered some older tunes like "You," "Let That Be Enough," and "Only Hope," which somehow were just what I needed to hear at the time. Last summer, when I was searching for direction and leaving a job I loved but which had become too much of a constant battle for me, I was touched by "This is Home." (I cried every time I saw the video--but that probably has as much to do with Switchfoot as it does with the fact that I adore anything involving Narnia, Aslan, and C. S. Lewis.) In fact, my few and faithful readers might remember that I used lyrics from that song several times in this blog that summer.

Even earlier this year, as I discovered "Fiction Family" and caught up on all of Jon Foreman's eps, I continued to be uplifted by the words and music. So many of the songs from "Fall," "Winter," "Spring," & "Summer" just hit me right where I was at. It was another bit of a rough time for me, a time of searching and seeking God, a time of wanting to be renewed and refreshed, and I have to say it: God used many of those songs to restore my soul. Songs like "The Cure for Pain," "White as Snow," "The House of God, Forever," "I am Still Running," and especially "Your Love is Strong" (which my friends and I have played many times in our small groups) were like a healing salve for my troubled soul. They became my prayers in a time when going to church was a struggle.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, I discovered that you had become my favorite band. Which was something of a shock, because as anyone who knew me in high school and college will tell you, I was a rabid Newsboys fan for the longest time. I'm not going to compare the two bands, because such comparisons are "odious" as Madeleine L'Engle would quote. It's enough for me to say that your songs have changed my life and probably in some way saved me. I apologize if that sounds hyperbolic, but that's certainly how it feels.


People are already talking about your upcoming album, and it bugs me when they compare it to your old stuff. Not every album has to be "The Beautiful Letdown." Not every song can be "Dare You to Move." To expect that is just folly--it's like people who wanted every M. Night Shyamalan movie to be "Sixth Sense," when if they'd just been paying attention, they would have seen that "Signs" and "Lady in the Water" were just as good in their own way (better, in my opinion, but that's me). From what I've heard, both at your concert last night and on Youtube (I shamelessly looked up people's amateur vids of you playing new stuff), I think it's going to be good. In fact, I think "Hello Hurricane" is going to be my new anthem. I'm already in love with that song, and can't wait til November so I can have a copy of it.

So thank you once again for being real and honest; for writing and playing songs that are authentic and which resonate and speak to people's hearts and pour into their souls. Your songs have comforted me, challenged me, pushed me, and healed me. Thank you for letting God use you.

Sincerely,

Jessica Richards
(aka the girl who finally went to see you for the first time last night @ Robert Morris U & had an amazing time.)

I Yield

So, if you know me, if you've spent any time at all with me or talking to me in the last three months or so, you know that I've been stressed. About a lot of things. My future, my purpose; I'm looking for a new job; my finances...all these things keep piling up in my head. All I've been able to see on the horizon is a giant question mark, and it's been driving me crazy.

So, I do what most people do. I make lists. I try to plan out a strategy. I ask people's advice. I do internet searches. I fill out applications; I try not to spend money on frivolous things. Oh, and I pray.

I've been keeping a journal since the beginning of the year (well, longer than that, but this one with renewed consistency). And so many entries revolve around the question of where my life is going. I keep crying out to God: Show me! Tell me! Speak to me! Reveal Your plan!

I don't have any answers. It's not that God has been silent. I've heard His voice on other, smaller matters. ie, Should I go to Branson? Yes.

And then, I've heard him speak to me in another way. Through the wisdom and insight of others. There's been a theme in my life lately. An idea, that God has been shaping. I talked in my last post about hearing God's song and being in tune with Him--but that presupposes that I AM listening.

Last weekend was Jubilee, a conference hosted by CCO, an organization my dad and friend Wendy work for. I went a few years back and blogged about it. This year I went again--but just to the (free) Sunday session. And perhaps because it was Sunday, the theme of the day seemed to be about Sabbath. Lauren Winner returned to Jubilee (the last time she spoke here was when I was there before and kind of made an idiot of myself to her!) and talked about the Jewish rhythms and purposes of keeping the Sabbath.

And it occurred to me that not only do I not keep a Sabbath day, the time I use to "relax" isn't really a kind of Sabbath rest, either. Because when I get home, I like to chill. You know? Grab some dinner, watch TV, mess around online. And I'm not saying all of those activities are always purposeless. But though I have spent days (even recent days, due to being sick) doing relatively little, I still don't know what it is like to take a Sabbath. To set aside a day in which I do not work, or create anything, and I do not fill the the silence.

Yesterday I was listening to a couple of Ransomed Heart podcasts, and John Eldredge was (appropriately!) talking about hearing God. And he stressed the idea that if you are caught up in the urgency of the moment, of needing an immediate answer from God, then you will most likely not be able to hear Him. I think you can see where I'm going with this. So Eldredge says the attitude needs to be one of openness, humility. Yielding.

Which is kind of the opposite of what I've been doing.

I mean, I try to have the posture of one who understands how dependent she is on God for all the good things in her life. But somehow, urgency begins to crowd all of that out. Daily--sometimes hourly--I have to readjust my attitude. Lately, I've found Jon Foreman's song "Your Love is Strong" to be helpful. Because panic sets in all too quickly, till all I can see and hear is chaos and confusion. And then JF sings,

"So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need,
You know what I need.
Your love is,
Your love is,
Your love is, Strong."

Actually, I've been listening to all four of Jon Foreman's Eps a lot lately, and found them to be very healing. If you don't know, he's the lead singer of Switchfoot (currently my favorite band) and he put out four short cds, one for each season: Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. (He also collaborated on a project called Fiction Family with Nickel Creek's Sean Watkins, and I've been digging that cd, too. Wendy & E & I saw them in concert at Grove City College a couple weeks back, but that's another story.) He's just incredibly honest and yet hopeful at the same time, and the songs have been speaking to me.

Well, God has. If I just take the time to listen. If I quiet my heart and the desperate questions clamoring to be answered.

If I yield.

Most Ardently

So, despite the lack of bloggage, there actually has been a lot going on--at least in my noggin.

2009 has been decent to me so far, how about you?

• I'm heading down to Branson at the end of the week, tagging along on my dad & brother's road trip to Texas. Can't wait to see my BFF! Brianne's got a great role in her community's production of "Into the Woods," and I get to see it opening weekend!!!
• Then a couple of weeks later, she's coming to the Burgh. Sweet! Party at my place!!
  
• I got to see Fiction Family in concert at Grove City last weekend. Fiction Family is a project of Nickel Creek's Sean Watkins and Switchfoot's Jon Foreman. Check out their album--it's really good. The concert was fun, too!
• I'm reading this book called "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl." It's a true story of a girl (Shauna Reid) from Australia who went from 350 lbs to lose half her body weight over six years. She didn't use a magic pill, and she struggled through rough patches where she regained some of what she'd worked so hard to lose. It's really good--and it's not a diet how-to. It's about learning to accept yourself, no matter what flaws you see when you look in the mirror. She even finds love in a Scottish pub (this is me being jealous!!)--before reaching her "ideal weight."
• I've finally begun to achieve some maturity by keeping my flat relatively clean this past month. This is a big achievement for messy ol' me. But something happened when I cleaned up on New Year's Day. Ever since then, I've magically begun putting this back where they belong, and straightening periodically, instead of waiting until it's an absolute wreck that I can't find anything in.
• I borrowed my friend Wendy's copy of the Keira Knightley version of "Pride and Prejudice" and have watched it three times.
  

Wait. Somehow I suspect that last one should not have made it on the list. It's not really an accomplishment; it's certainly not anything to brag about. But...it is true. I even downloaded the soundtrack. Yes, I've been feeding my voracious inner sap with Victorian romance. *Sigh.* There's just something about that Darcy that gets me every time. And, hey, I'm a single, romantic gal. I can't dream, can't I? And make flair...and desktop backgrounds featuring photos and quotes from the movie....Okay, fine, I'm obsessed. You can say it.

Seriously, though--and I hope this isn't a shocker--I've been thinking about love lately. How it seems to come so easy to some people, and yet, it's eluded me for so long. I'm not bitter, though sometimes it's very easy to get cynical. Is it possible there's a "Darcy" waiting for me somewhere? Are there any left? And even if there were, what are the chances he and I would a) meet and b) fall in love?

I've spent the last few years being relatively content with my singleness. (Read the archives. It's documented.) Now, as 30 looms on the horizon, I'm starting to wonder if love will ever come my way. I'm not particularly worried. But heaven help me!--I can't watch a movie like "Pride & Prejudice" without feeling something stirring in my sappy ol' heart! A longing to be pursued and loved, like Elizabeth was. Well, God alone knows if and when that will ever happen.

So, since romance is out of the picture for me right now, I'm trying to focus on other things. Like being healthy, tidy, and content. Mm. Okay, so that last one's a bit tough. The truth is, I STILL have NO IDEA what I'm doing with my life. I keep thinking something's going to change. I keep waiting for a sign, some direction, anything. BUT...I'm also trying not to stress out about not having my life figured out. Even if I am nearing 30!

There are days--most notably, Mondays--when I groan and grumble and whine about feeling stuck. But I'm trying to remember that God has a plan for me, even when I can't see it. He is leading me, even though at the moment it feels like I'm going nowhere. It's not for lack of trying!

I wrote last year about how I felt like I could sense change around the corner. I wasn't kidding; I still do feel that way. But it's vague and hazy; it hasn't taken shape yet. Does it include a Scotsman who will fall "most ardently" in love with me? I have no idea.

For now, I'm trying not to get to overwhelmed with big-picture things. I'm trying to focus on baby steps. Small changes I'm making. Little goals. This time next week, I'll be at Brianne's!! Yay!! And that's about as far ahead as I can see. Luckily, it's a pretty great view.

PS: For those who, like me, share an affinity for all things Austen, I give you my P&P background:

Considering I haven't done one of these in a few years, I'm rather proud of it. Made with the Gimp.

Year in Review.

I stole this survey off of someone else's blog, because I couldn't come up with anything creative and contemplative on my own.


1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Traveled overseas. Got a passport, had an international flight, went through customs.
Drove into Pittsburgh by myself. Drove to Missouri and back, the whole way!!


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Um...not as well as I would have liked. I am making some resolutions, because hope springs eternal. And also because I'm making new "decade" resolutions.

And because some things just have to change!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Well, I know a few people who had babies. Nobody that I'm super (at least in terms of physical proximity) close with, though.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
IRELAND!!! It was awesome.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I would love to know what I'm doing with my life, but I doubt that will happen.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
From '07?? Well, probably some boy related ones that seemed momentous at the time but are now irrelevant...and Jan. 2nd, when Brianne got her tat and I got my nose pierced. That was a good day in 2007.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Geez. This is tough. I mean, I think just going to Ireland was the biggest deal. I finally did it. That was a lifelong dream, to get over to that part of the world.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Sometimes the way things ended with CW feels like I failed. Or maybe just how I handled it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just the usual colds I always get.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My camera. They say material things can't bring you happiness, but it has brought me such simple joy.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
We threw Jake a going away party...but that wasn't really a celebration. We still miss him.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
It was hard watching my brother's relationship go sour. (Sometimes it was hard to watch when it was good, too; but it sucks watching someone you love go through a bad break-up.)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Stuff I didn't need at Target, probably. And Mp3 downloads.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Ireland. Going to see Brianne. Prince Caspian. My new phone. Spring.


16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
Pocketful of Sunshine. "This is Home," by Switchfoot. "The Call," by Regina Spektor.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? About even, I think.
b) thinner or fatter? I've probably put on a few this year.
c) richer or poorer? Slightly poorer, since my job change.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Job hunting, maybe. Yoga.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Stressing. Complaining.

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Hopefully going downtown for First Night with friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No. Fell out of love, actually. But it's a good thing.
Well, unless you count my mad crush on Zachary Levi of "Chuck."

22. How many one-night stands?
None. I could have changed that to "dates" and the answer would still be the same.

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Chuck. Eli Stone. Heroes. Lost. Bones. Pushing Daisies. Monk. Psych. Samantha Who?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Well, it's more that an already strong disliking intensified.

25.What was the best book you read?
"Culture Making" by Andy Crouch, or "The Celtic Way of Evangelism" by George G. Hunter. Both AMAZING books. I'd put "Walking With God" by John Eldredge, but I'm not quite finished with it yet.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I discovered that I love Coldplay. I know, they're popular and ubiquitous. Like U2. I never thought I liked them much, either. But I do, now. It's weird.

27. What did you want and get?
A camera. My new phone.

28. What did you want and not get?
A new job--something that I'm MEANT to do, you know? Some purpose and direction.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Ooh. Well, the sad thing is, I haven't seen a movie since July ( I know, right?!). Ironman was good, so was Get Smart. I really liked Prince Caspian, despite plot changes. HATED The Happening, but Kung Fu Panda was cute. I adored Wall-E.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Hmm...I believe I went to Seib's with friends. Yes. Several birthday drinks were consumed. Well you only turn 29 once. Or, once a year from now on.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A sense of where I'm going and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. That would have been helpful.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Scarves. Ballet flats.

33. What kept you sane?
My friends. You know who you are. My head would have exploded without you.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I think I answered that already, but I'll gladly say it again: Zachary Levi. Mmm.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Ugh. Don't get me started. I tried to avoid everything remotely political.

36. Who did you miss?
Brianne.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I met some cool folks in Ireland.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
Community. Fellowship. Vital to survival.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"It started out as feeling, which then grew into a hope.
Which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder, until it was a battle cry!
I'll come back, when you call me, no need to say goodbye."
--Regina Spektor, "The Call" (From the Prince Caspian Soundtrack)

I used this already this year, but:
"I still haven't found what I'm looking for." --U2

Belief Over Misery*

One of the important things to remember when blogging or journaling is to write about both the bad and the good moments.

Why the bad the moments? To be honest. To remind yourself and everyone else that perfection can't be found here, and struggles will come. And sometimes, because it helps to vent. For me, writing my thoughts down helps give them focus and clarity. But also, it's important to record what the issue is, what you're dealing with, so that you can see later how you've grown. More significantly, you can see how God is working.

That's why we have to write about the good moments, too. They are like the monuments the Israelites used to build to remind themselves of God's provision. It's all too easy to get caught up in circumstances and see only how bad everything is. I'm so prone to that. I forget too quickly the ways in which God has provided for me in the past--but keeping a record helps combat spiritual amnesia.

So today, I am writing out of a sense of awe. That's something I haven't felt in a while.

God came through for me this week in a very powerful, undeniable way. And I...I am humbled by it, knowing that I don't deserve it.

I know I keep bringing up this Ireland thing...but I've been timid about it, afraid of having the door closed on me. It's happened before. So I've been looking for signs and signals, clues to see if this is actually where God is leading me, and not just my own wistfulness. Today I feel like God is confirming some things, and beginning to make a way for me.

I ask you to continue praying for me, not because I'm still so uncertain, but because I'll need it. There will still be struggles and doubts; I'll be under attack.

I'll continue to give updates. We don't leave until next month--July 12th.

Again, I just felt like I needed to record something positive. I've been dealing with a lot of negativity in an area of my life lately (specifically, my calling, gifts, and purpose), and this week was like...the sun coming out after a thunderstorm. (No offense to rainy weather!)

I was led to the Psalms the other day, and found myself reading 23 & 25. 25 is where Third Day got their song "My Hope is You," and that was kind of an anthem for me the other day. Psalm 23, however, is so well-known that I don't often pay attention to it. It's cliche. Or so I thought.

But suddenly, words leapt off the page:

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

It's not cliche, after all. It's beautiful. It's just become so commonplace that I stopped noticing.

I don't want to stop noticing what God is trying to say to me--on the contrary, I want to hear more and more.

I've got my heart set
on what happens next
I've got my eyes wide,
It's not over yet,
We're miracles,
And we're not alone....*

* --Taken from the Switchfoot song, "This is Home."

A New Chapter

I have this ritual that I've done for the past decade or so of my life. Every year, I stay up the night before my birthday and reflect on my life. This usually involves some kind of writing, and normally it's done in a journal. But this year I decided to be different.

I'm 29 this year.

I was talking to a friend tonight, who is 20, and she was saying how she felt like she's got her whole life ahead of her--and she does. I'm nearly a decade older, and I feel the same way. Suddenly.

For a while, I was really wrestling with this whole "29" thing. I mean, let's face it. I am NOT where I thought I'd be by now. Far from it. And yet, there is a kind of freedom in that. For whatever reasons, God in His wisdom has kept me here since college. And I'm okay with that, because He's always provided for me.

But now, I sense a change on the horizon. it's like it's been there all along, just...hidden. Elusive. Tucked away.

The odd thing is, part of accepting that change means letting go of where I am now. There is an area of my life, a ministry I've been involved in for a while, that I have to leave behind, and God is using a very painful method to get me to let go. But everywhere around me, I keep hearing things that make me think that this is His plan for me. I mean, sometimes it happens this way. Caspian had to be chased out of his castle to find Narnia, right?

I'm going to Ireland this summer.

That in itself is a big deal; but I'm not going just for the prayer conference or to be a tourist. I'm thinking (& praying) about living there. Moving there. That's right, becoming a missionary.

I don't know what will happen. Maybe God will close the door, like He's closed other doors. but maybe not. Maybe it's time for me to move on again, time for another new chapter in my life.

Chesterton says: “An adventure is, by its nature, a thing that comes to us.
It is a thing that chooses us, not a thing that we choose.”

And Aslan says: "You would not have been calling me unless I had called you first."

Finally, Tolkien says: "The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began
....and whither then? I cannot say."

Would you continue to pray with and for me about Ireland? I wish I could be more eloquent about it, but at the moment, my heart's too full...I see blank pages before me. I feel like I'm still waiting for a sign; but really, I just want to feel supported. I want to know that's where God wants me.

And I want to sing, like Switchfoot does at the end of "Prince Caspian,"

I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home...

Desiring Spring

Something happens to me around this time of year.

Right now the world is gray and faded; dirty snow piles line the streets and parking lots. Trees are bare. The sky is washed out. The air is cold. I hate it, quite frankly. I long for Spring--according to the calendar, it's only a few days away. In reality, Winter still reigns.

I've been stressed out lately--just a lot of things piling up on me. Then I look outside, and everything looks as bleak as I feel. Somehow it's easier to let things get to me when there is no beauty in the world.

But early this morning, I heard birds singing. Somehow it struck me. Such a simple thing, but it signified that Winter really is drawing to a close. And those birds know it. They know it's time for them to be back here, that soon the weather will grow warmer and things will grow again.

It reminded me of so many things. There is a song by Switchfoot called "412" which says,

You watch the sun rise
You saw the darkness had no choice before the dawn
With your own eyes
And then you broke out laughing from a yawn

You said,
"I'm so sorry I've been so down.
I started doubting things could ever turn around.
And I began to believe that all we are is material.
It's nonsensical."

And I felt that way. It was like I forgot that Winter can't last forever--it has no choice but to give way to Spring. This also reminded me of John Eldredge (as so many things do) and how he talks about our Soul's longing for Spring. He says,

But after the new year, things begin to drag on. Through February and then March, the earth remains lifeless. The whole world lies shadowed in brown and gray tones, like an old photograph. Winter’s novelty is long past, and by April we are longing for some sign of life—some color, some hope. It’s too long.

And then, just this afternoon, I rounded the corner into our neighborhood, and suddenly, the world was green again. What had been rock and twig and dead mulch was a rich oriental carpet of green. I was shocked, stunned. How did it happen? As if in disbelief, I got out of my car and began to walk through the woods, touching every leaf. The birds are back as well, waking us in the morning with their glad songs. It happened suddenly. In the twinkling of an eye.

My surprise is telling. It seems natural to long for spring; it is another thing to be completely stunned by its return. I am truly and genuinely surprised, as if my reaction were, Really? What are you doing here? And then I realized, I thought I’d never see you again. I think in some deep place inside, I had accepted the fact that winter is what is really true . . . And so I am shocked by the return of spring. And I wonder, Can the same thing happen for my soul? (The Journey of Desire , 108–9)

There is this deep yearning in me for Life and greenness and newness and regeneration, and I long to see it not only in myself, but in the world around me. There are people who dislike that Holidays like Christmas and Easter are arbitrarily celebrated in conjunction with ancient pagan rituals rather than commemorating the actual date of the events. But this year, I realized something. God, in His sovereignty, allowed those dates to be used. The timing is quite perfect, actually. At least here, for us in this hemisphere.

Christmas brings light into the darkest time of the year. It's the bleakest, coldest, blackest time of the year--and what do we do? We light candles and hang up tiny twinkling lights everywhere. We use imagery of bright stars and shining angels. Because Christ came into the world, to be a light in the darkness.

And of course, Easter (more commonly known as Resurrection in my family, and now my church as well!). It is perfect as well. The juxtaposition of Death and Life--Winter and Spring--is a visual reminder of Rebirth and Resurrection.

There is something glorious in the Return of Spring, and yet it always surprises me how much I long for it. We were not made for death. We were made for Life--and Life abundant! And it seems like every year I need to be reminded of this. Some years more than others.

There's a Relient K song that I love, called "In Like a Lion (Always Winter)" which captures my feelings so well about wanting spring to come:

When February rolls around, I’ll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire, my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side

It’d be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth, a song of newer things

And everything it changed overnight
This dying world, you brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting, everything was melting away
And you gave us the most beautiful of days

Cause when it’s always Winter, but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like you’re not with us
But deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope.

The other night I was flipping through an old journal, looking for something particular. I ended up reading many pages on which I had poured out my troubled heart. It was written during what I believe to be one of my darkest years to date. I cried out to God about so many things, but one stood out to me. I had been incredibly lonely. In college, I'd had a great group of friends; but in Pittsburgh, the only people I knew were my family. Once I wrote that I wished I just had a group of friends to go out with, get away for a bit.

Immediately I thought of recent excursion to Seib's, a local Irish pub that has become something of a hangout for me and a few friends. The laughter and the warmth, the friendship--it had crept into my life after all. In unexpected ways, God answered my prayers. He brought new Life.

I believe that there is a longing in all of us for New Life. Perhaps it is closer to the surface at this time of year, when we are tired of cleaning off our cars and shoveling sidewalks and huddling under blankets. Maybe it's easier to recognize the longing of our soul when it's reflected in the world around us.

And into this Longing, God gives the best of gifts: the promise of new, eternal, abundant life. He even gives us a preview by raising Christ from the dead. Can anything be more amazing? Yet, isn't this the very thing that the world around us is proclaiming, shouting for all to see? There is Life to be found! The sun will shine again!

I'll leave you with one last quote, from a Steven Curtis Chapman song. He wrote it about Narnia and Aslan--which again echoes the Winter/Spring, Life/Death themes that we ourselves are facing:

And I'll watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You

And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You.

(That song always make me get teary. *sigh*) To, Spring, and to the Return of Life! Amen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. I've been remiss in my blogging. I'm sure my thoughts, quips, and ramblings were sorely missed. *ahem!*

So, you should know, I am listening to the new Switchfoot album. I like it. It took a little longer to get into than their last one, but I'm enjoying it. As soon as then "new" wears off, I'll tackle the stack of CDs Brianne left for me.

We had a pretty awesome time together over the New Year, when she came to visit and go to Bud's wedding. Our wild times together included watching many episodes of Bones, visiting "dahntahn" (downtown) Pittsburgh, perusing used bookstores (and purchasing many many books), and...a stop at the tattoo parlor! That's right--Brianne got inked! But you'll have to ask her to show you what she got and where. It looks awesome! And it was done by the same woman who did mine. I'm a corrupter of souls, I tell you!

Oh, and I finally got my nose pierced. The girl was really funny and nice but boy did it hurt! It's better now and I really like it. I'm not sure a picture would really do it justice.

We also played a little guitar hero...that game is quite addicting! I'm hooked now, and nearly through the Medium level career mode. Of course, I'm just fumbling my way through the hardest songs. But it's fun!

I also watched the "Ugly Betty" Marathon. I have to admit, I kind of enjoyed it, too. In fact, I think I like it better than "The Devil Wears Prada." I'm just saying.

Now I'm trying to get back to the grind and organized for the new year. I only made a couple of "resolutions"--more like goals, really. And it's the usual stuff I need to work on...so...yeah.
I think you're all caught up now! Yay you!

New

It’s the New Year; are we having fun yet?

Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman talks about the new year, saying how we love things to be new, but it is really just an illusion. When you wake up Jan. 1st, things really aren’t any different from the day before. Except now you have to remember to write a new year at the end of your date.

This is true, but I also think it’s an opportunity. Lots of things about time are just an illusion. Time itself, for example. Someday, we won’t have to worry about time. Being on time (like I never am), growing old, running out of time…those are things that will have no meaning.

For now, though, we are bound to time. We have to mark the passing of time somehow. And with a New Year, comes New Opportunities. At least, I hope so. I need this year to be different, to be better than last year. Desperately.

In that spirit, I actually made a list of resolutions, seven of them. I don’t usually do this, because I think it kinds of sets you up for a fall, but my good friend Jana reminded me that change doesn’t really happen overnight, and you have to be gracious with yourself in starting a new habit (or breaking an old one).

I’m doing alright so far. Not perfect, but alright. One of the things I included in my resolutions was to get: a cute haircut and possibly color, my nose pierced, and/or a tattoo. WHY??? You ask. Well, I have my reasons; perhaps I’ll post them later. So far I haven’t gotten these done yet, except I did cut my hair. I wish desperately that I had the guts to dye my hair a bright shocking pink, like the quiz I took recommends:

Your Hair Should Be Pink

Hyper, insane, and a boatload of fun. You're a traveling party that everyone loves to follow. (Yeah, that's totally me. Party Animal.)

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

But who knows? The year is young. Maybe the next time you see me, I will be new on the outside, not just on the inside, where God is making the most important changes. 

Nothing is Sound

I got a new CD the other day. I took it home from the store and cut it open to read the lyrics. I was blown away. I put it in the CD player to listen and just continued to play it over and over. I have been listening to it almost constantly.

Now if I was Brianne, you would know what the album was without even asking, since she talks about her passion all the time on her blog.

But this is my blog and therefore you probably want to know what CD I’m referring to. (Unless, of course, you recognized the title.)

I’m talking about Switchfoot’s new album, Nothing is Sound. I first got into Switchfoot with their Beautiful Letdown CD, so it’s not like I’m a long-time, die-hard fan writing here. But I was touched deeply by songs like “Meant to Live,” “This is Your Life,” and “Dare You to Move” (which is probably one of my most favorite songs ever).

So naturally I was drawn to the new CD, despite my brother’s warning that a friend of his hadn’t liked it as much. Well, I like it so much that I’m blogging about it, except I hardly know where to begin.

I guess what hits me most and hardest is the unrelentless honesty of their songs. They are singing about things like brokenness and wounds and what is life all about, anyway? They pick up on the absurd paradoxes and double standards of our culture in a way that keeps form being overly cynical by adding in hope, and they aren’t afraid to humbly admit they are as much a part of the problem as anyone else.

I love it.

The minute I began reading the lyrics, I was hooked. But now I’ve been playing it over and over, and I just went to their website. I read Jon Foreman’s notes on how the songs came about and what the album is really supposed to be saying. I almost cried. Sometimes I’m afraid that the things I love so swiftly and deeply are things I will regret later. This is probably a lie of the Enemy. I told my family (and Brianne) that it felt like they had read through Ecclesiastes before writing the songs, and Foreman mentioned not only Ecclesiastes, but Psalms as well. He spoke with such honesty about the paradoxes in our world…I don’t know why but it was so refreshing.

This is the kind of CD I could put in at the end of a long, horrible day, when I’m angry with my life or myself or when I just don’t understand what is going on in the world. And it is the kind of CD that would make me feel better. It is like a lament: it starts with questions, with admissions of pain, loneliness, and wounds…and moves into an acknowledgement that there is still hope. It lets you cry, it lets you sing, it lets you breathe.

To keep this from sounding like an ad for Switchfoot, I just want to make it clear why I love it so much. I have felt for a long time that there is something lacking in our culture—and that it has spilled over into the Church. Call it what you want—honesty, openness, authenticity. We are afraid to be ourselves. We are afraid to let others see us struggling. Wait. No. I. I am afraid to let people know when I am hurting. I don’t want people to see me when I am vulnerable. I hate to cry in front of others.

I think the reason for this is that something critical happens when we share the vulnerable broken parts of ourselves with someone else. You can only forge a genuine friendship—or any other kind of ’ship—when you are real with someone else. And if there is one thing our Enemy hates, it is fellowship. He will keep us from being real if it keeps us from being connected.

These songs are about brokenness; they aren’t about how great life is when you become a Christian. They aren’t La-la-la-le-lujah songs. Those have their place, but we’ve made them the center. We have forgotten how to lament.

Sometimes when I walk into church, I want to turn around and walk right back out again. I hear the music: it’ another “It’s a Wonderful Day So Let’s Praise the Lord” song. Are you kidding me? I overslept and missed breakfast and got into fights on the way here. I had a lousy week at my lousy job. The highlight of my week was watching TV. And now I’m supposed to automatically turn on my smile and start singing? I can’t do it. Well, I guess I can…but I don’t like to. I need time and silence to get my heart right with God again.

These songs speak to that need. They speak to that place inside you that wonders while you sing in church, “Am I really satisfied? Am I really as happy in Christ as this song says I should be?” So if you’ve ever felt like something wasn’t right—with you, with the world, with everything—go get this CD. And go read what they have to say about the songs. And don’t ask me if they are a Christian Band. Listen to it and decide for yourself.

And the next time someone asks how you were doing, before automatically responding, “Fine,” at least consider being honest.