Happy Freakin’ February 14th

Wow, so I had this nerdy joke all lined up for weeks about how the most important thing about this Feb 14^th was that they were going to start filming The Hobbit.  But then Peter Jackson had to go and get sick so they pushed it back to March, so there goes my punchline.  So instead, I searched for geeky Valentine’s Day jokes, and sadly, this was the best I came up with:

An electron is out a courting an atom and keeps flying around the atom to get its attention. Exasperated from all the attention, the atom asks, "Why do you persist in running these circles around me?" The electron replies, "I'm strangely attracted to you."

And then there was this:

Roses reflect a light frequency at one end of the visible electromagnetic spectrum,
Violets reflect a light frequency at the other end of the visible electromagnetic spectrum,
Sugar is C12H22O11,
And you release the endorphins in my brain.

But seriously.   I know it seems like every year at Valentine ’s Day I do a little rant about singleness and how much Valentine’s Day sucks.  Usually this is the point where I make some kind of speech about how I LOVE my singleness and I’m doing great and I’m content with where God has me.  While all that is true about 70% of the time, I must confess there is another side to all that, even though I don’t usually like talking about it.

Now, I’m a sap, but I’m also kind of a cynic at times, so I’m well aware that coupledom and & marriage do not equal a lifetime of bliss and a shiny, conflict-free future.  So hear me when I say that I do not think being in a relationship would fix my problems or make everything better.  It’s not that.  It’s just that…well, I’m a sap.  Always have been.  I’ve been dreaming of love since I was a wee thing—even when I thought boys were gross, I still sort of expected to find one I’d like someday.

I already have a hard enough time with my sentimental, mushy tendencies the other eleven months of the year.  Forgive me for sounding just a tiny bit whiny here, but then Valentine’s Day comes along and amplifies the whole damn thing.  I hate coming across bitter or desperate.  I’m really not.

It’s just…I have this idea in my head, you know?  That someday there will be a guy who will…see me.  And not just glance at my externals, measuring me against the current ingrained ideas of beauty and perfection.  Really see me.  Take a second look and find the beauty the goes below skin depth.  And he’ll take a moment to get to know me a little better.  Find out what common interests we have, what deep beliefs and convictions we share.  We’d become friends, laugh over things, share meals and drinks and our lives.  And if it were a story I was writing, the key part would be the moment when he’d take the step of going beyond friendship, of pursuing something more with me.  And not halfheartedly, but with a passion that would make all this waiting I’m currently doing worth it.

Some days I have a really hard time believing in such a scenario.  I see it unfolding in other people’s lives, but for me it seems so remote.  Other days I have to believe it, or I’d probably despair.  And whatever happens, I don’t want to turn into a bitter spinster.  I know God has a plan for me and has kept me on this path for a reason (though I have no idea what it is).

So this Valentine’s Day, though I may roll my eyes at the garishness & commercialization of it all, I will not let cynicism have the final word.  This year, I will choose to keep my hopes up and to believe love is real and romance is out there…I just haven’t found it yet.

And so for you, whoever you are, wherever you are, despite whatever is taking you so long, this song is for you.

To everyone else:

If you’re with someone you love, forget all that mushy frilly crap and focus on the reality that you’ve found someone worth sharing your life with.  That alone should make V day worth celebrating even in the simplest, smallest ways.

If like me, you’re single, let's band together against despair.  We’ll have our day.  Until then, this one’s for us—not geeky, not all “single power,” but sort of an honest prayer sung by gleeks:

And Happy Freakin’ February 14^th!

...And it Vexes Me So....

Okay.  So.  I realize I touched on this topic on my blog a few weeks back (and I've written on it before), but I think I need to revisit the subject.  I hate to beat a dead horse, but sometimes I get going on a topic and I just can't quit.  Apparently, according to an inventory I took tonight, it's partly because of my secondary spiritual gift of exhortation.


So, here is what I would like to exhort tonight: Singleness.

I have nothing against marriage.  I believe it's a sacred institution, created and blessed by God.  I am a total hopeless romantic.  I'm a sap.  I believe we were all created to live in relationship and community with each other, and marriage is a vital part of that.
HOWEVER.

However, I am getting frustrated with certain attitudes in the church about marriage.  Maybe it's because I'm a bit more of a cynic than I was in my teens and twenties.  Or maybe I'm just more realistic.  Whatever the case, I'm a little fed up with pastors and authors trying to push the idea of marriage on me as though I'm somehow lacking and deficient without it.  

Did you know, for example, that there are whole books that have been written on the subject of how to land a guy, within the context of the church?  Since when did we start taking our cues from Cosmo and Glamour, anyway?  Call me old-fashioned, but while I'm not exactly sitting around waiting for Prince Charming to ride up on his horse, I'm not really interested in going out and trying to lasso him, either. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with affriming the blessings of marriage and acknowledging that most of us (especially women?) want it.  But there's also nothing unbiblical about realizing practically, that all of us may not get it (at least, not as soon as we would like to), and learning how to cope with that.  Even rejoice in it!  There's this weird notion that's been floating around the last half-decade or so that to be single indicates a lack of spiritual development, that it's somehow laziness on our parts.  While certainly examples could be made, I don't think it's fair to say that's the standard.

And quite frankly, I think there's enough pressure on women outside the church--all the negative messages surrounding beauty and self-worth...why must we in the church add to it, when we all know (at least in theory) that we are supposed to find our fulfillment and worth in God?  All the emphasis seems to be unbalanced and a trifle unbiblical, too, since we are given examples of both singles and couples equally being vital to the Kingdom!

I know I touched on this issue recently when I talked about my biological clock.  Let me be clear and honest: Yes, I'd like to be married someday.  No, I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself in the meantime.  Please don't feel sorry for me or give me advice on how to wait.  I know how to wait.  I'm learning to live with the reality that I might never be married.  If I do, it will certainly be much later in life than I ever expected--but that's part of the problem, isn't it?  We sort of expect these things to just happen, and when they don't, we wonder what we did wrong. 

I'm not going to apologize for being single, or outspoken, or female.  I come from a generation of women who grew up with Princess Leia and Wonder Woman as their icons & role models.  My idea about femininity may have been shaped in part by such cultural icons, but it was also informed by the church.  And recently, I've begun to rethink some of my earlier-held assumptions about Godly Femininity.  That's a topic for another post another time, but the issues are related.  I'm not a man-hater or anything like that.  I'm just tired of feeling guilty for (and limited by) being a single woman. 

I made the choice a long time ago to trust God with my future, whatever it entailed.  Sometimes I feel a little adrift and have no idea where my life is headed.  Actually, that happens a lot.  But guess what?  Despite our cultural standards suggesting otherwise, that's pretty typical for a life of faith.  I'm not perfect, and I have to work at being okay with not knowing what's coming next.  I have to work at patience and trust and contentment.  So I get pretty pissed when I read stuff that undermines my hard work and makes me doubt myself and my path.

If you have a single friend or relative, do them a favor and be kind.  Don't give them advice on how to find a spouse or point out their flaws as an explanation of why they're single.  Instead, encourage them to seek God first, and His kingdom.  Because single or married, all the other stuff that comes along with life can really get in the way of that. 

PS: There are other books that actually offer good advice & encouragement in this area.  One is "Now and Not Yet" by Jennifer Marshall.  I did see a couple others on Amazon that sounded promising, but I haven't read so I can't vouch for them.  As Brianne pointed out, there's always Lauren Winner's "Real Sex," too.  Know of any other good resources?  Feel free to share!

Tick, Tick, Tick

Remember the movie "My Cousin Vinny"?
My family and I love that movie; it's got some bad language, but it's hilarious.
One scene in particular cracks me up: Marisa Tomei's character rants about her "ticking biological clock."





It's funny, right?

Until it happens to YOU.

Now, I knew biological changes happen to all of us throughout life.  But the idea of a biological clock inside women that goes off to tell them it's time to have babies...well, I always thought that was a humorous prop used by TV & movie writers.  Wasn't it just a myth?

I don't have a definitive answer (wikipedia, anyone? Web MD?) but now that I'm gettting...ahem...older, I am starting to understand what Marissa Tomei was talking about.  A little.

Because I have worked with children in some format almost non-stop the past decade, I think of myself as generally immune to kiddie cravings.  I have an outlet for my love for kids, and the bonus is I get to send them home at the end of the day.  And babies have never really been my age group.  They're too young to talk, they have diapers that need to be changed, and what do you do with them when they won't stop crying??  In fact, the other day i was thinking that if I ever do get around to having kids, maybe I'll just adopt.  After all, there are a lot of kids who need a home.  And I've heard that older kids have a harder time getting adopted, because most people prefer babies.  Not me,  thought to myself.  I'd like to skip that stage!  Nine months of discomfort, painful labor, sleepless nights, constant attentiveness...no thanks.

Then Sunday happened.  This past Sunday was mother's day.  I woke up that morning with a dream drifting out of memory--but the one thing I recalled is that in my dream, I had been pregnant.  And, I'd been HAPPY about it.  Then I went to church, which was all about Motherhood, of course.  And there were all thes baby pictures on the screen, and real babies in their mommy's arms in the congregation, and it happened.


I had a baby craving.

It kind of freaked me out.

I don't want to turn into a Tina Fey caricature of a woman who suddenly sees nothing but babies and can't seem to think about anything else!  But maybe that was my biological clock, ticking!  Letting me know time is running out!!!

I'm kidding, mostly, though that really did happen to me.  I'm not freaking out about it, though.  Not anymore.  I realize that we are biologically wired a certain way--and most women at some point have a biological desire to have children.  Heck, even Brennan on Bones softened up and realized she might want a kid someday!

I had my first "I'm pregnant"/"I have a baby" dream in high school, I think.  I looked up the meaning in a dream symbols dictionary, and it said that babies & being pregnant can also symbolize having an idea--like a creative, artistic idea.  So, of course, I though it was about my stories.  I mean, I always have ideas for stories.  But I don't always dream about having babies.

Image by J. M. Richards via Flickr

I sort of feel a little like Joe Pesci in that scene above, kind of like, I have plenty of other things to be worrying about right now instead of babies.  And for ten years, I just sort of thought that  eventually, the timing would be right.  There would be a Guy.  There would be a Wedding.  And after a while, THEN there would be babies.  Cravings or not, I need to realize things might not go down that way at all.  If not, would I be willing to go the route of Tina Fey's character in "Baby Mama" or something?  Who knows!

Right now I'm living in my brother's dining room, so it's not like I'm exactly in the right place to be a mother.  Right now, I am a mommy/teacher/counselor/big sister to around fifty kids every day after school.  Right now, that's still enough for me.  My mental and emotional clocks are not ticking quite so loud.

I just wish they'd tell that to my biological clock. 

Most Ardently

So, despite the lack of bloggage, there actually has been a lot going on--at least in my noggin.

2009 has been decent to me so far, how about you?

• I'm heading down to Branson at the end of the week, tagging along on my dad & brother's road trip to Texas. Can't wait to see my BFF! Brianne's got a great role in her community's production of "Into the Woods," and I get to see it opening weekend!!!
• Then a couple of weeks later, she's coming to the Burgh. Sweet! Party at my place!!
  
• I got to see Fiction Family in concert at Grove City last weekend. Fiction Family is a project of Nickel Creek's Sean Watkins and Switchfoot's Jon Foreman. Check out their album--it's really good. The concert was fun, too!
• I'm reading this book called "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl." It's a true story of a girl (Shauna Reid) from Australia who went from 350 lbs to lose half her body weight over six years. She didn't use a magic pill, and she struggled through rough patches where she regained some of what she'd worked so hard to lose. It's really good--and it's not a diet how-to. It's about learning to accept yourself, no matter what flaws you see when you look in the mirror. She even finds love in a Scottish pub (this is me being jealous!!)--before reaching her "ideal weight."
• I've finally begun to achieve some maturity by keeping my flat relatively clean this past month. This is a big achievement for messy ol' me. But something happened when I cleaned up on New Year's Day. Ever since then, I've magically begun putting this back where they belong, and straightening periodically, instead of waiting until it's an absolute wreck that I can't find anything in.
• I borrowed my friend Wendy's copy of the Keira Knightley version of "Pride and Prejudice" and have watched it three times.
  

Wait. Somehow I suspect that last one should not have made it on the list. It's not really an accomplishment; it's certainly not anything to brag about. But...it is true. I even downloaded the soundtrack. Yes, I've been feeding my voracious inner sap with Victorian romance. *Sigh.* There's just something about that Darcy that gets me every time. And, hey, I'm a single, romantic gal. I can't dream, can't I? And make flair...and desktop backgrounds featuring photos and quotes from the movie....Okay, fine, I'm obsessed. You can say it.

Seriously, though--and I hope this isn't a shocker--I've been thinking about love lately. How it seems to come so easy to some people, and yet, it's eluded me for so long. I'm not bitter, though sometimes it's very easy to get cynical. Is it possible there's a "Darcy" waiting for me somewhere? Are there any left? And even if there were, what are the chances he and I would a) meet and b) fall in love?

I've spent the last few years being relatively content with my singleness. (Read the archives. It's documented.) Now, as 30 looms on the horizon, I'm starting to wonder if love will ever come my way. I'm not particularly worried. But heaven help me!--I can't watch a movie like "Pride & Prejudice" without feeling something stirring in my sappy ol' heart! A longing to be pursued and loved, like Elizabeth was. Well, God alone knows if and when that will ever happen.

So, since romance is out of the picture for me right now, I'm trying to focus on other things. Like being healthy, tidy, and content. Mm. Okay, so that last one's a bit tough. The truth is, I STILL have NO IDEA what I'm doing with my life. I keep thinking something's going to change. I keep waiting for a sign, some direction, anything. BUT...I'm also trying not to stress out about not having my life figured out. Even if I am nearing 30!

There are days--most notably, Mondays--when I groan and grumble and whine about feeling stuck. But I'm trying to remember that God has a plan for me, even when I can't see it. He is leading me, even though at the moment it feels like I'm going nowhere. It's not for lack of trying!

I wrote last year about how I felt like I could sense change around the corner. I wasn't kidding; I still do feel that way. But it's vague and hazy; it hasn't taken shape yet. Does it include a Scotsman who will fall "most ardently" in love with me? I have no idea.

For now, I'm trying not to get to overwhelmed with big-picture things. I'm trying to focus on baby steps. Small changes I'm making. Little goals. This time next week, I'll be at Brianne's!! Yay!! And that's about as far ahead as I can see. Luckily, it's a pretty great view.

PS: For those who, like me, share an affinity for all things Austen, I give you my P&P background:

Considering I haven't done one of these in a few years, I'm rather proud of it. Made with the Gimp.

50 Non-Dates

Once in a while, I have one of Those Days.

You know. Days that make you stop and think. Like, Where am I going with my life? What does God have in store for me? ...Am I ever going to find someone?

I am, by any definition, a hopeless romantic. Shocker, I know. So I'm not generally prone to pessimism when it comes to Love. I mean, things have taken a toll on my heart, sure. I have a tendency to get cynical every now and then. I think it's hardest when I realize that once again, I gave my heart away too quickly. That it wasn't valued by the guy the way I'd hoped it was.

It's actually easier, in some ways, to be hopeful when there is no one on the horizon. Then my imagination has free reign.

I'm back at that point again.

A couple weeks ago, I watched the movie August Rush. (I highly recommend it, by the way.) There's this thing August says about hearing the music that is all around. He talks about following the music, and how it leads people together. There was something so enchanting about that idea; and I thought to myself, That's what I need. Someone who hears the music, like I do. Because in a way, I do.

So, I've been rejuvenated by this idea. I guess I have to believe that if God has someone for me, he'll be right for me. I admit, I wrestle with this at times. I fear that I'll end up with someone who doesn't understand me, or whom I'm not completely crazy about. The truth is, I know things won't be perfect. Not like in the movies.

Tonight I watched the end of a few sappy movies that were on TV. And then I watched one of my DVDs. I own around 50 romantic movies. Chick flicks. Romantic comedies. From time to time I've worried that such a thing would intimidate any potential guys--probably because I read it some kind of Brio-type article when I was younger. And I've also worried that it might have warped my own perception of Reality.

Other times I think Chick Flicks have preserved my sanity. The thing is, I haven't had a lot of romance in my own life. I've just barely dated, and never been seriously involved with any guy. Because of this, I often like to think of my movies as Non-Dates. A lovely little spot of romance in my evening, as I imagine what it would be like to be swept up in something like that.

Yes, I'm a Sap. But, God made me this way for a Reason. I believe that. Maybe I'm meant to be Single always. It's also possible that I could end up with someone who is not sentimental or romantic in the least. Either way, I'm not going to worry about that now. Not when there is so much romance to be had...at least in the movies. :)

Oh, Boy(s).

It’s interesting being a single gal these days. Seriously. I’m in a very peculiar place.

It would be very easy for a girl like me to get discouraged about my relationship status. After all, I’m 28. Not getting any younger. The biological clock is ticking and all that. And there are times when it is a struggle not to feel lonely, overlooked, or impatient. Like at weddings. Or on Valentine’s Day. When someone has a baby. Or when you find yourself surrounded by couples. After a Chick Flick binge.

But the truth is, I’m in no hurry. You know how at the beginning of the movie “Hitch,” the dating guru tells us that no woman wakes up in the morning hoping to NOT get swept off her feet? That’s true. But some of us have a lot of other things going on in our lives. Some of us don’t want to try eHarmony or be fixed up on blind dates. We want to find Love, sure. But in the meantime, until it finds us, we’re going to keep getting on with our lives.

One fun distraction I’ve given in to from time to time is TV crushes. My first love was MacGyver—seriously. Ever since then, I’ve had a slew of TV characters whom I’ve made regular dates with. More recently, I was digging Peter Petrelli of Heroes. But oohh, I just liked him so much better with the emo-bangs. Then I also fell surprisingly hard for Chuck. That’s the nerd-love side of me, I guess. Right now, I’m logging a lot of hours watching reruns of Psych. That Shawn Spencer is hilarious.

The thing is, real guys are sooooo much more complicated. Although I am blessed to have some good guys in my life again. It’s nice, because all of my guy friends from college either got married and/or live ridiculously far away. So, now I’ve developed a new circle of friends out here, which includes guys. Several of them are married or otherwise taken, but a few are single. And there’s just a different dynamic in a friendship when both parties are single. Usually. Maybe it’s just me, but I tend to be a little more guarded around “taken” guys, though it helps if I’m close to both halves of the couple. Anyway you split it, friendships with guys are complicated—but I wouldn’t give them up.

What’s nice about it is, it satisfies what I believe is a fundamental human need for interaction with the opposite sex. I was talking about this with one friend, whom I’ll call Clive. (I’m changing the names of the guys so that if by some chance they read this, they won’t feel so exposed. Or something.) Anyway, I was telling Clive that as important as I think it is for guys to have guy time, and girls to have girl time, it’s also really important to have that guy-girl time, too. It doesn’t have to be romantic. It’s just good to get that other perspective. Both man and woman were made in God’s image—both of them representing something different about the nature of God (as John Eldredge discusses in Wild at Heart and Captivating). I’ve learned to appreciate this other element, this masculine component, in ways I never used to. Of Course, I still get baffled and sometimes frustrated with the way guys think and act.

Like my one friend, Theophilus. Theo is this great guy—intelligent, funny in a snarky way, a real servant. Easy going, low key, multifaceted. But he’s got this way of keeping things to himself, not offering anything deep. And then he masks things with sarcasm, and a self-effacing humor. It’s perplexing. What’s he really thinking? I haven’t a clue—and I can tell he wants it that way. Unlike Clive, who has been remarkably open and honest about his struggles and his “walk.”

Not that I have a problem with quiet guys. My first (real, live) crush was on a very shy guy. And right now, I’m also friends with Duncan. It took me a long time to really start to get to know him because he’s just a very unobtrusive person. He’s polite and an all-around Nice Guy. And then, out of nowhere, he’ll say something that makes you laugh. It took me by surprise at first.

I love a good laugh, and I have such a broad sense of humor that it doesn’t take a whole lot to get me going. But my one friend Jason just has this knack for saying the funniest things. I wish things like that rubbed off on people. He is seriously one of the funniest people I’ve ever met, and he makes it look just effortless. I wish I could think that fast and that witty, but I’m left just laughing hysterically in his wake.

And it’s a blessing to have developed such an interesting circle of friends. Like I said, it can sometimes be daunting to a Single Woman to look at her life. The New Year makes us reflect on the past and look ahead to the future, and I find myself still in that process. This past week has really made me reflect on my guy friends, as I’ve spent time with them each in different ways and settings.

While I might sometimes wish for romance to be closer around the corner than it is, I appreciate the fact that I once again have guy friends that I can be myself around, talk to, grab a drink with, and laugh with. (It’s nice when I feel appreciated, too!) So here’s to all the pub nights, jam sessions, Bible study, TV shows, games, inside jokes, wii sports, guitar hero challenges, worship times, and impromptu, spontaneous hanging out in this coming year. Yay for guys! The world would be a much less interesting place without them.

On the Other Hand...

Maybe I'm wrong.

If I let my cynicism take over, there are days like today. When I think, who need this?

Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe Love Stinks.

Seriously, what am I doing, here? What am I waiting for?

Sometimes, it's really easy to get frustrated. I look at my life, and I don't see the things happening that I want to be happening. And yes, I know it's all in God's timing.

But some days I want to give it all up, lock my heart away. It's frustrating to care about someone who does not feel the same way. And it doesn't get easier. This just doesn't seem to be something I can fix or make better on my own. I don't know.

I've been working on a story for a few years now, and the main character, Anna, is in love with a guy for about seven years, the duration of the book. Obviously, I'm not going to tell you what happens, but the point is, I didn't give it a second thought when I put her through that. I just assumed she could handle that kind of emotional torment and anguish. Probably because I assumed I could. And so for years, she tries to reconcile the fact that she cares deeply for a guy who for the most part is unable to love her back.

Is it just me, or is that depressing?

Anna is brave, I'll give her that. I'm not sure I would really be able to do the same in her place. I'd like to think I could...but then there are days like today. When I wonder why I would do that to myself. Wouldn't it make more sense to spare my heart, if I could?

God has given us all sorts of counsel and direction in his written Word; thank God, we have it written down in black and white. ... The more that wisdom enters our hearts, the more we will be able to trust our hearts in difficult situations. Notice that wisdom is not cramming our head with principles. It is developing a discerning heart. What made Solomon such a sharp guy was his wise and discerning heart (1 Kings 3:9).
We don’t seek wisdom because it’s a good idea; we seek wisdom because we’re dead if we don’t.
Wisdom is crucial. But wisdom is not enough. Wisdom is essential . . . and insufficient. ...
It was dangerous advice, indeed, to send the young maiden before her king unbidden, and even worse to send a boy against a trained mercenary. And frankly, it looked like perfect madness for Jesus to give himself up to the authorities, let himself get killed....The Bible is full of such counterintuitive direction from God. (John Eldredge, Waking the Dead, pp 99-100.)

I'm trying to figure out what God wants from me in this situation. It always seems like, at the end of the day, His words to me are, "Don't give up." Don't close off your heart. Don't become a cynic. Don't feel stupid for loving. Well, today, Love does feel stupid. And quite frankly, I'm not even sure if Love is the right word for anything that I"m feeling. What do I know about Love, after all? What do I know about relationships? What do I know about truly caring about someone other than myself?

Nothing. So, apparently, I've got a lot to learn.

The Pursuit of Perfection

So the other night I was up late, working from home. I had the TV on, and somehow I got watching this show on VH1 (which I never watch, honestly, but I had gotten sucked into an I love the 90’s marathon…). It was called Scott Baio is 45 and Single. I don’t know what got into me. I normally loathe Reality TV, especially ones featuring celebrities.

Let me just be clear—my interest in the show had nothing to do with Scott Baio. I’m a little too young to have been a fan. (Although technically, that didn’t really stop me from my whole MacGyver phase…but I digress.) What intrigued me was that as it turns out, S. B. is on a self quest. He hired a “life coach,” and is trying to determine if he can get married to the woman he loves…or not.

Like the rest of us, S. B. wrestles with commitment issues. Unlike the rest of us, he’s had his pick of pretty much any and everyone over the past 30 years or so. He’s been with one gorgeous girl after another, and notice: he’s not happy. He’s not satisfied. One of his exes described it to him this way: “You’re always looking for the next best thing.”

—And that was what kept me watching. There was this repeated, underlying theme about the pursuit of perfection. I can just imagine all these frustrated girls feeling not good enough because he moved on to the next model/playmate/actress.

It’s funny, because my friend Lynne and I had a conversation just the other day about this same kind of thing. Her mom was trying to get her to meet this guy in his late 30’s who is still single; and Lynne said, “What’s wrong with him, Mom?” And then she added, to me, “I can say that, because pretty soon, people will start saying the same thing about me: ‘What’s wrong with Lynne? Why is she still single?’”

I CERTAINLY am not implying that there in fact IS something wrong with a person who is single (any more than there is something “right” about a person who is married…no matter what our culture says). But if you were to ask me, I could readily recite a list of my flaws. Are they the reason I’m still single? I don’t know. But I do wonder sometimes if my perfectionistic tendencies hinder me.

In a way, I’m on my own self quest; and I think I often get caught up in the pursuit of perfection. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do your best, I suppose, as long as you don’t take it too far. Just tonight I was talking with friends about the little voice in my head—you know, the one who voices a steady commentary on all the things I do wrong. Everything I mess up, every little flaw or failure, every time I fall short of perfection (which is ALL the time)—I hear about it. And it’s hard to get that voice to shut up, am I right?

And I think sometimes I let that little voice dictate areas of my life. That Inner Critic begins to point out not only my own flaws, but everyone else’s. I think I generally have more grace toward other people, but it can be hard when I’m noticing all of someone’s shortcomings.

The worst, I think, is when considering dating prospects. I can be so picky! And I’m not really that fussy of a person. I don’t think. I mean, there are definite things I don’t like. I remember I took that free eHarmony profile test (don’t rag, I never joined!) and there was this one section where it asked you to check off ten “Must Haves” and ten “Can’t Stands.” It seemed like the “Can’t Stands were harder to limit. Why is that?

Because then a guy comes along into my life who I technically shouldn’t like—someone who isn’t the right age…or isn’t, say, Scottish…and who has too much facial hair. Or doesn’t play the guitar. Or isn’t a mushy, hopeless romantic. And I mentally cross him off the list. Or do I? Sometimes those standards just seem to be excuses—things to hide behind. Sometimes it comes down to something that isn’t definable. And in that moment, maybe Perfection is not only irrelevant, but undesirable. If I were to somehow meet my “perfect,” ideal guy, would he be as good for me as I imagine? In Reality, isn’t everyone going to be an adjustment? Don’t all relationships take work? Like I said earlier, I’m not exactly a picnic myself.

I don’t know if this is Age talking; because when I was younger, I seemed to care much more about my Standards than I do now. Maybe it’s Experience; maybe it’s Realism (or Cynicism). But I seem to be giving up the pursuit of perfection. Truthfully, nothing in this life will ever be as good as it could be. Wow. That sounds depressing. I just mean, I should stop being so hard on myself, and everyone else, because we’re all on our way to perfection. We’re just not there yet.

And that's not such a horrible thing, after all.

Love...and Hate

Well, it's February.
You know what that means.

Two weeks to S. A. D. *sigh.*

I don't know how to feel about Valentine's Day. You know?

On one hand, I hate it. It's just a reminder of my "single" status. It's a commercial holiday centered around mush that raises unrealistic expectations of what relationships are supposed to be like: dozens of roses, expensive jewelry, dinners in classy restaurants....And all of it is surrounded by pink frills and babies with wings and arrows. It's syrupy and disgusting.

On the other hand, I am kind of a sucker for romance. I am by my own admission, a sap. There's something sweet about the celebration of love. And, this might come as a shock, but I actually love pink. I love hearts, too. And flowers. And chocolate.

Who am I kidding? The only Real reason I hate V-Day is because I am single and can't participate.

This year, I am taking matters into my own hands. I am planning an alternative to Valentine's Day. An "alterna-tine," if you will. I just thought of it last night, so it's in the works, but I hope that it will be fun. I hope to invite other singles for an evening devoid of romance, starting with laser tag. Nothing says "I don't care" like laser guns.

Whatever happens, I hope to have a happy Valentine's Day. Because it's just a day, just another day. Why should it matter if I have any romance on that day? February 14th really isn't any different from February 13th or 15th.

But whatever your plans are, I hope you enjoy your whole month. After all, in two weeks, the pink hearts will be replaced by green clovers. :)

S.A.D.

I guess what it comes down to is that it’s just that time of year.

I mean, I could blame a lot of other things, I suppose; Hallmark, married friends, hormones, chocolate, chick flicks….but I really think it’s just the time of year.


You know what I mean: Valentine’s Day.
AKA, Singles Awareness Day.

You know how Valentine’s Day got this new nickname? Of course you do. It was so dubbed by the single, bitter masses who don’t like having their status rubbed in their faces every February the 14th.

I really don’t consider myself bitterly single—at least the majority of the time—but there are days. Like Valentine’s Day. Now, I have at least one friend who argued with me adamantly that V-Day is not just about romantic love, that’s it’s not just for couples. There is some truth to this; however, that’s just not the way it’s painted for the most part. Just as Christmas has largely lost its beautiful, deeper meaning in our materialistic culture, so Valentine’s Day, too, has become focused mainly on romantic love.

That’s really not so bad; it’s just that it always seems to come right around a time when I’m already struggling with issues connected to my singleness. Recently, for example, I was reading some articles on Boundless, a Webzine in affiliation with Focus on the Family. Overall, it’s a really good resource for people in their twenties; but their preoccupation with marriage frequently alarms me.

I think marriage is a good and honorable thing, but I don’t think it’s for everyone. And I think far too many people rush into it today as it is. Their view is that most people ought to be married, and those of us who are still single in our late twenties ought to consider what we could be doing to head toward marriage. At first, I was affronted by these assertions. Then one night, I took some time and read their articles directed toward young single women like me. At the end of the night, I was frustrated and rather depressed. You might think articles titled “Finding a Husband” or “Pulling a Ruth” might be very helpful; but unfortunately, they weren’t for me.

Ultimately, I came to kind of a startling conclusion. I sat and thought about what it is that’s really important to me right now. I realized that as much as I’d like to be married someday, it’s not at the top of my priority list. If it was, maybe the advice offered by Candace Watters might have been more helpful. But for several reasons, that’s just not my main goal right now:

1. I don’t really feel ready for marriage. I don’t know if anyone really is ready for everything marriage requires, but I think at some point I ought to be on my own and providing for myself before I “settle down.”
2. My deepest desire right now is to use the gifts I have in writing and relating stories to reach people and help them connect to God. That this was a deeper desire even than marriage kind of shocked me; but it’s true. I have to be faithful to what God has given me and how He made me.
3. I really don’t think that any of the guys I know right now (and there aren’t many who are single and my age) are “for me.” I’m pretty picky, and not just superficially; see my post on Singleness. I’m not totally closed to the idea; I just don’t see it happening.
4. I’m not desperate enough. I don’t mean this to sound disparaging. But I know I would have to really be desperate to use an online dating service, or to start “networking” with people who “might know somebody” for me (as Boundless suggests). And I’m not. I don’t want it so badly that I’m willing to use whatever resource is necessary, and maybe that’s my problem.
5. But I really feel that if it’s going to happen for me, then it’s just going to happen. I don’t mean that I wouldn’t have to do any work, just that my work wouldn’t be in the “finding the man” department. Why do I feel this way? I don’t know, except that many of the important things in life have just "happened" without me seeking them out (college, and most of my jobs). Is it too fatalistic? Is it too naïve? Maybe.

The good news is, no matter what I feel about Valentine’s Day or Singleness or Marriage, God is in control. He is the one I ultimately answer to for my convictions, so if I’m wrong, sooner or later He’ll show me.

Until then, I’m going to try viewing S.A.D. as something positive: I’m single right now, but not necessarily forever. My awareness of my status could be of its temporal fleetingness, and a reminder to use my time wisely (as opposed to pining over something I don’t have). Maybe some V-Day down the road, I’ll be viewing it through different eyes and revel in the celebration of romantic love.

Or maybe not. Only Time will tell.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. *In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. (Why should I have to guess?) You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. *You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. (Or never date them in the first place.) *Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. *Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. (No, girls never think about marriage.) In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
(Don't know if all that is entirely true, but it was fun anyway.)

Pursuit of the Ideal

L.M. Montgomery (famed author of the “Anne” series) once wrote a short story titled “The Pursuit of the Ideal,” and basically it was about a guy who tells his best girl friend all about his ideal woman (nearly her opposite in every way) but when he meets her, he realizes that it was his good friend who was his ideal all along. Montgomery also wrote a similar plot line with Anne, who aspired to love a dark, melancholy and poetic man, but found that in the end, she preferred Gilbert, who was not melancholy or very poetic, but laughed at her jokes and appreciated her.

The moral obviously is that what we think we want is not always what is best for us, and I think we can see that in almost any area of life.

But what, I wonder, if our ideal is someone who were are friends with, someone with whom we can laugh with, among other things? What if our ideals are things we actually know would be good for us?

In my blog on Singleness, I mentioned I’ve been single for a long time, and I briefly listed some things I’d (ideally) like in a guy. Having been single so long has a dual effect on me regarding these “ideals”: one is that I feel entitled to at least the majority of them; the other response I have is despair that I will ever find anyone who even remotely matches up.

If I were to list for you the things that I would like in a guy—The Guy—the length and elaborateness would stagger and astound you. It is the result of mentally calculating all the things I ever noticed and liked about guys I have known (whether real or *ahem!* fictional) and things I have observed in relationships. And…probably stuff from sappy chick flicks, too. I know. Shame on me for being out of touch with reality.

And some of the stuff—for example, being able to play the guitar, having an accent of some kind, driving a motorcycle—isn’t really important at all. It’s just fluff. Although…the guitar thing…….no, okay, really, I’m fine. I’m back to reality now. Not important.

Some things are only relatively important, like having the same taste in literature or music or movies. I don’t expect any guy (or anyone, for that matter) to like everything that I like. But at the very least I’d like to think he wouldn’t bash it, to my face, if he knows I love it. It’s okay to disagree on things, to have differing opinions, certainly. Everyone has different tastes. I’m pretty opinionated myself at times. Most times. But for example, tonight a guy was saying some harsh stuff about my favorite band ever. Ouch. Right after I said they were my favorite band ever. Really ouch. Not scoring any points there. Not that he was trying to. But you get the point.

I have decided, however, that a few things really are important to me. Like, non-negotiable. I know, you’re thinking, he has to be a Christian, right? Yes. Of course. That’s a given. But more than that, I want him to be a deep, strong Christian. A Ransomed Heart Christian. The kind of guy who’s read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge and has already gone on his journey with God to learn who he is as a man.

Why is that an Ideal? you may very well ask. Well, let me just say that Mr. Eldredge’s writings have been extremely meaningful and influential to me and my journey as a Christian, and as a woman. I will save further details for another blog at another time.

One thing I really liked about Wild at Heart (which I am currently re-reading) is that although the book was written primarily to give men permission to be men, in the process, it also gave me permission to be a woman. It told me that it was okay to want a strong guy who would fight for me. More than okay—it said it was good! No one had ever really said that before.

It’s a little embarrassing to admit in today’s culture of strong, feminist, “girl-power” women that I actually would like a guy to fight for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am capable of fighting for myself. But I don’t want to always have to. I like it when chicks kick butt (hello, Alias?  Princess Leia?) but I also tend to really love the heroes in the story.

Think with me now: William Wallace (Braveheart), Aragorn, Spider-Man, Han Solo…these are men who fight for what they believe in, they fight to free and help people. And they also fight for the woman they love. And deep down, I think every woman longs to truly be fought for—not necessarily in the physical sense, punches being thrown and all that, but to know that she is worth the risk. That’s not an Ideal, that’s a part of being a woman.

I know, this all sounds rather silly and perhaps a bit juvenile. The fancies of a girl who’s lost touch with reality. Knights in shining armor and all that…who needs it today? Who even really believes it’s possible? Well, I don’t know how possible or probable it is for me…but for right now, all I have is my Ideal. It’ll Have to Do, as Dean Martin sang, Until the Real Thing Comes Along. 

Singleness

This morning I went to church with my parents. Usually I go on Saturday nights, to Community Worship at Memorial Park. But my dad recently got a job at North park Church, and they wanted to introduce him to the congregation. And he wanted the family to be there. No problem. My brother Kyle and I showed up (thankfully) right on time and took a seat. I was looking kinda cute—at least, I was wearing a blouse, skirt and heels, which is a bit of a stretch for a jeans-and-tee girl like me.

So they go through the announcements and a testimony and a couple of songs and finally ask my parents to go to the front. My dad says he was nervous, but it didn’t show. He was cracking jokes and keeping everyone’s attention. And then he decided to introduce us, his “adult children.” Kyle and I politely stood to say hi to everyone. And then he said it: “And they’re both single.” I sat down immediately. The congregation erupted into laughter.

It’s not that I minded or that I was even mad; it’s more of the label that bothers me. “Single.” Alone. Unpaired. Yeah, okay, so I’m single. Really single.

And if you know me, or if you have read my profile, you know that I’m twenty-six. Twenty-six and single. Is that as depressing as it sounds? I have other friends from college in the same boat. Even a couple that are still living at home, like me. (If you read my earlier posts about jobs it should be abundantly clear that I do not make enough to afford rent and other utilities.)

Most of the time I don’t mind being single. I’ve lived with it for a long time. I like my independence. But I happen to be an incurable romantic. If you look at my favorite movies list, you’ll see a few chick flicks in there. I have more. I am a SAP. When I watch movie and TV shows, I hope that the main characters fall in love and find happiness by then end. I’m a “shipper:” I root for certain couples to get and/or stay together. (Sidebar: some of my favorites include: Sydney and Vaughn from Alias; Bright and Hannah from Everwood; Sun and Jin from Lost; Harry and Ginny, and Ron and Hermione from Harry Potter; and Han and Leia from Star Wars.)

The Point: My Independence and my Hopeless Romantic-ness are quite often at odd with each other. Yes, I’d like to find someone and settle down. Yes, I’d like to get married and have a few kids someday. But I’m afraid I have too many unrealistic expectations planted in my head by my favorite sappy movies. I’m also afraid that some of the standards and things I’m looking for in a guy just aren’t ever going to come together. Deep down I think I do believe that there is a guy out there suited for me just as I am for him, whether or not he happens to be a Scottish, guitar-playing, intellectual, funny, adventurous Christian man. But some days it just seems like I’ll be stuck being labeled “single” forever. It wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to me, but it’s not what I’m hoping for.

But don’t you dare recommend E-harmony to me.