Redemption, Reformation, and a Revolution

Dear American Church:

If you want to know why your attendance is dropping, I’d love to tell you, at least from my own personal experience.  Because I’m pretty close to walking out on you myself.

Here’s the thing.  I’ve been a Christian since I was very young.  I’ve been going to church all my life.  And now here I am in my early thirties, and I’m about to throw in the towel.  If I hadn’t had an extremely good experience with a wonderful church in Austin last year, I think today would be the day I broke up with church.  And how did I get here, you ask?

Thirty years of seeing the ugly underside of church politics, in a nutshell.

I could tell story after story of how I’ve seen churches abuse their power and shuffle people out of their country-club-type community over the most ridiculous things.  I could talk about how working in a church exposes you to some of the nastiest, pettiest work place politics you will ever see.  I could even give evidence that this is not limited to a particular region, denomination, or creed.  But those kinds of stories—even just the ones from my own personal experience—could fill a book, so I’m not going to tell them all here.

The point is, church is broken.  I don’t care how you slice it, what arguments you make or positive spin you try to put on things, something is not working.  It had a good long run, it served its purpose for many, many years, but the church as an institution is largely failing.  My dad hates when I make sweeping statements like this about the church.  But I cannot find it in me to be less cynical about an institution that has allowed people to insult and slander—him in particular and others in general—time after time without ever making things right.  And today for me was the last straw.

I am so sick of all the petty arguments and politics in the average congregation.  I’m sick of the general attitude Christianity has toward outsiders, and those that don’t agree 100% with all their precious doctrines.  Someone recently asked me if I was “super religious” and I was like, “Hell, no!”  I have been that person; I have looked down my nose at the world for not being as Christian as I was.  And I've been on the other side of it and seen how nasty and un-Christlike that attitude is.  I never want to be that way again.  Because the truth is, attitudes like that have a way of chipping at my soul and my faith.  Honestly, some days I’m not even sure how to be a Christian anymore, and after almost thirty years in, you’d think I’d be coasting right now. 

Actually, I am coasting.  I’m not engaged.  I’m not challenged.  I don’t have people (outside my family and closest friends) who help me figure out where I should be and what I should be doing in life to be a part of God’s restorative, redemptive work.  And that’s something I could really use right about now.  Once again I’m drifting, trying to figure out my next move, and even when I hear encouraging things from the pulpit, I don’t have a body around me that enables me to take the right steps.  So instead I flounder, often surrounded by people who reinforce the notion that knowing God is all about following seven simple steps and a checklist of do’s and don’t’s. 

I had kind of a heart to heart with God today, out in the beautiful Pacific Northwest woods.  I don’t really want to give up; I don’t want to be a cynic.  Maybe it was naïve of me to think that things would get clearer and more certain the older I got.  Maybe I’m foolish to expect the body of Christ to actually emulate Christ.  I have been hurt too many times by the church; my family has been wounded, my friends have been mistreated.  To be fair, we have also, at times, been blessed, encouraged, uplifted, and served by the church.  I’m really not trying to write off every individual in America who attends church.  But something happens when we gather as an institution, an organization.  We’re supposed to be a community, a family—well, families have their problems, too, I suppose. Somehow we end up acting more like a clique, standing in a circle with our backs to the world.

So the thing is, if I’m going to keep believing in and following Jesus, it’s going to have to look radically different for me.  I’m not entirely sure what that means, I don’t have it all worked out yet.  But something has to change.  A lot of things have to change, actually.  And one of the things that bothers me about the American church is how resistant it is to change.  It’s like we’re afraid of losing something vital in the process—but I think we’ve already lost some vital things, and it’s high time we began to recover them.  Things like: loving your neighbor, loving your enemy, and helping the poor. 

So right here, right now, this is my version of 95 theses, nailed to the virtual door of the collective American church.  I can’t keep going this way.  I would rather walk away than continue to be a part of a body that would treat people so poorly.  But as much as I sometimes do want to just walk away, a deeper and better part of me wants to help reform things.  A NEW reformation.  And the thing is, I know I’m not alone in this.  I know older and wiser and younger and more passionate people are struggling just like I am to find their place in the church.  I know of them, and I know them personally.  Together, we can and will enact change on the church.  Because it is time.  The foundations for a renewed way of following Christ are already being laid. 

We are passionate, we are disillusioned, we are ready, we are afraid, we are in love with Jesus, and we love humanity, too.  We want to see the world redeemed and restored through Christ.  We want to be part of his redemptive story.  We want others to see that we are in love with God, which is sometimes hard to show when we are being attacked by our brothers and sisters in Christ.  This is part of the reason we need to stand together.  We need to encourage one another, even when we disagree.  You and I may never agree 100% on all the different theological questions.  But if we can agree on the centrality of Jesus, His divinity, life, death, and resurrection, shouldn’t that be enough to be going on with for now?  We are never going to attract more people to Christ by bickering amongst ourselves and engaging in much of the mud-slinging, fear-mongering, us vs. them rhetoric that has become so popular recently.  Indeed, it is that kind of petty behavior that turns people away from God, and even burns out long-time Christians.

Maybe I’m just a crazy heretic.  Maybe I’m preaching to the choir.  Maybe no one will ever read this and my impassioned words will fall on deaf urls.  But if you are reading this, and you do agree that the time for change is long past due, won’t you stand with me?  Viva la revolution!

Glee, Sorrow, and Searching

Or, Further Thoughts on Grace & Love

This week's episode of Glee centered around religion and spirituality, which  naturally caught my attention even more than a typical episode.  My heartstrings got tugged in a lot of conflicting directions as the characters wrestled with faith and their differing beliefs.  Glee didn't go out of its way to answer any big theological questions or to raise one path over another, but it did display some beautiful, heartwrenching themes.

There were two main plot lines: one about Kurt, a boy whose father ended up in a coma, who maintained that he did not believe in God, and Finn, another boy who saw the face of Jesus in his grilled cheese sandwich and began to pray.  While at first these seemed like overdone caricatures, this turned out to be a very complex episode.  Kurt, the boy whose father was near death, pushed away his friends when they offered prayer and hope.  But I think the most beautiful thing about it was that his friends didn't give up on him. 

I've been a believer in God for so long that sometimes it is easy for me to forget that there are people who honestly struggle with the idea.  I used to argue with such people, and try to reason with them.  Though backed with solid theological apologetics, I'm not sure I ever persuaded anyone to follow Jesus through arguments.  Likewise, no one in Glee talked anyone else into seeing spirituality their way.  But they did try to be respectful and honest.

As is the case in every Glee episode, the cast sang: this week, they sang songs that reflected their feelings about faith.  Finn, after finding out that God does not speak through grilled cheese sandwiches (according to the well-meaning guidance counselor) sang REM's "Losing My Religion."  His girlfriend Rachel, a Jewish girl, sang "Papa Can You Hear Me" from Yentil to express her conflicted feelings.  Mercedes and her church choir sang "Bridge Over Troubled Water" to Kurt to let him know he was not alone.  But perhaps the most moving song for me was when all the kids sang "One of Us," Joan Osborne's once-ubiquitous 90's song about God.  This came after the Glee club had been warned not to sing religious songs of any kind during school (a side topic that stirred up old indignation from my fiery days as an outspoken Christian in a liberal California high school).

I used to hate that song: "What if God was one of us?"  It didn't make sense to me, because I believed God had become one of us, in the person of Jesus, and the person she describes in the song was not how I pictured Him.  But today when I heard it, in one of those moments that God keeps shining a light on to show how I've changed since those aforementioned high school days, I realized I kind of liked it.  I remember being so indignant about it, and how the Christian magazines I read were also ripping on it.  But now I think, it's kind of an amazing question.

"What if God was one of us?"  To an atheist or agnostic, it's kind of an interesting idea.  Perhaps because of all the cartoony representations of Jesus we get in the world, they've never stopped to think about what it would mean for God to actually be like one of us.  I don't know.  But the whole song is full of interesting questions.

What really got me were the lines "What if God was one of us?/ Just a slob like one of us/ Just a stranger on the bus/ Trying to make his way home/ Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone."  For the first time, I heard them as kind of a challenge.  After all, didn't Jesus say that whatever we do to the least of these, we have done to Him?  What if we stopped looking at those around us as faceless, and remembered that they are people, made in the image of God, searching and lost and messed up and broken, just like us? 

This doesn't make our life any easier.  We will meet people, like Kurt, who have been through so much in life that the idea of God doesn't make sense.  They may want our friendship but not our God, and like Mercedes, we won't win them over with a perfect argument, or a heartfelt song.  (But what is the alternative?  Giving up and burning that bridge?)

THIS, my friends, is why Grace (or vitamin G, as I like to call it) is so important.  We will face moments like the ones depicted in this episode of Glee.  And we will have to choose how to respond to hurting friends and family.  It's not a magic potion that will make everything better.  But Jesus also said that Christians would be known and identified as such by their love.  Tell me: when was the last time you saw THAT in a movie or a TV show?  When was the last time you saw that in real life?  Most of the time, Christians are known for their arrogance, hypocrisy, and tendency to judge.  Oh, and for being crazy.

We have gotten so caught up in being "right" and seeming righteous that we've neglected things of deeper importance.  Like...go on, say it with me...grace.  And love.  And wouldn't it be cool if we actually were known for our love?  Our deep, profound, crazy, inexplicable, supernatural love?  Because if I were to stake my life on something that actually would change even the hardest hearts, I'd bet on Love.

Vitamin "G" Deficiency

This morning, I was all set to write a really angry post.  I mean, I had my soapbox all dusted and ready.  I was working on a title, and I even had a subtitle ready. (Something scathing, too, like "Silence, Ye Brood of Vipers.")

I mean, it's been one of those weeks.  Just by reading articles and posting links, I have gotten into some interesting discussions/arguments.  And if anything, it has reinforced that I have indeed changed many of my views over the past few years.  And that change, is a good thing.  A "real good thing."

See, in my younger days, I was quite the conservative evangelist.  I had a list in my head of things that were spiritual, and things that were not.  There were things I was allowed to and supposed to do as a Christian, and things I was not.  It was a simple kind of faith in which formulas and checklists were the path to righteousness.  A + B = C.  Simple as that.  And if you didn't adhere to such guidelines and believe the same things as me, you were probably, sadly, not going to make it into heaven.

But around ten years ago, perhaps a little more, God really began to change my heart.  It's a long story, and a good one, but, I won't go into it here & now.  The point is, it was a winding path to help me rediscover a pretty vital characteristic of God.  Let's call it "Vitamin G:" Grace. 

Grace is the reason I'm not ranting and raving in this post.  Because of grace, I can take a deep breath, even when I'm frustrated and remember that I need it as much as anyone.  See, sometimes I get frustrated with people who have a vitamin G deficiency.  I've noticed a decrease in this essential supplement lately.  Have you?

Symptoms of a lack of G include:  pride, self-righteousness, judgmentalism, and the certainty that your opinions and beliefs are superior to everyone else's.  Also, a lack of vitamin G can actually be contagious.  As I learned for myself this week.

I find that when I am confronted with people who exhibit a lack of G, I get...itchy.  Squirmy.  Indignant.  And then...angry.  For about ten minutes, it's possible that it's a holy, righteously indignant anger, on par with the spitfire vehemence Jesus reserved for the Pharisees.  After that, it all goes downhill.  So to people who I may have hurt with my venomous reaction, I apologize.

But the real point of all of this is that we ALL need more G in our lives.  We need grace for ourselves, and we need grace for each other.  What is the point of the church, if not to display one of God's deepest, truest characteristics to the world?  We live in a world that is desperately in need of grace, and we have a responsibility to dispense it.  If there is anything I've learned over the past decade of my life, anything God has revealed to me about himself, it is that His very nature is Love.

We do a great injustice to the broken and marginalized of the world when we neglect to offer them grace & love because they do not meet our standards or prerequisites.  Indeed, that is one of the very things Jesus chastised the religious leaders of his day for.  Yes, there is a need for structure and rules at some level, for accountability and an understand of God's precepts set forth in the scriptures.  But at some point we need to realize we've been going about this evangelism thing slightly backwards; whereas Jesus went out to the sinners and marginalized of his day and hung out with them, we expect those around us to clean themselves up first and then meet us at church.

Let me be clear: I need grace as much as anyone.  One of the ways God ingrained that in me was by helping me be aware of my own failings, and then revealing his breathtaking, unimaginable grace and love for me.  Despite my failings.  So I must remember to show that to others.  That includes, as hard as it is for me to remember, those people who themselves are grace-deficient.  How can they learn grace, if I don't strive to exhibit it?

And if a lack of grace is contagious, how do we combat it?  What is the remedy?  I'm sure there are many, including a deeper understanding of God cultivated by reading more scripture with an open heart, allowing the Spirit to tug at your heart with examples of God's lavish, scandalous, extravagant grace.  The next best thing is to be in the company of those who practice grace.  I said at the beginning that I started this morning with an intention to write an angry, grace-less post, on the same topic.  Thankfully, I went to church first.

I am deeply and profoundly grateful for Gateway Church in Austin.  It's brought a lot of much needed healing into my life and is one of the things that keeps me from becoming a total cynic and giving up on the church altogether (not God, mind you, just the church).  Knowing that there are honest Christians out there like me, wrestling with faith and trying to live it out authentically--it keeps me going.   And that's why I write, too, to encourage others like me to keep going.  We have to keep going.  We have to keep up vitamin G, and work together to help God's kingdom come & will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

The Examiner Experiment

So, a while back, as I was doing searches on MonsterJobs.com, I found an ad for writers wanted. Trying to remain calm, I looked closer. Turns out there's this website called Examiner.com, which is like an online news community for major cities all over the U.S. And, they were looking for writers in Pittsburgh! About Christianity, no less!!

I was like, pick me!

I applied and waited a couple months while they sorted through a bunch of applications from all over the country. About a week ago, I heard back--I was accepted! This, considering my current career crisis, is good news. Not good financially, since it doesn't pay anything unless I get tons of views (was that a shameless plug? Where did that come from?? *GO CHECK IT OUT.*)

I'm really excited about the idea of this, since as you probably already know, I LOVE writing, thinking and talking about my faith and how it fits into daily living. Yes, I actually like talking about God and Church. I don't know why, but I do. And considering I majored in it, I figure maybe it's time I got a little more mileage out of my degree (and beef up my writing resume, while I'm at it!).

So, in conjunction with my friend Bekah, who is working on her thesis (on different denominations) and E, who I think is just interested in visiting lots of churches, I'm going to begin an experiment. And though I feel a tiny bit bad I won't be chronicling it here...I'm going to post links so you can still follow along, if you're interested. Keep checking back!!

Here's the link to my first article, a "review" of New Community Church in Wexford.

Take a look and tell me what you think!!! You KNOW I always do better with feedback!!!!

Thanks! :)

Dealing with Doubt

Have you ever had one of those moments when you said you'd do something you were invited to, and later, you regretted accepting? Like, early in the morning, when you could be sleeping? But then you got up anyway, and even through your sleepiness, you realized there was a Reason you were supposed to go to that thing?

That happened to me today.

I went to church with my parents--ironically, not by their invitation, but a friend who really only asked casually, "Will you be going?" For some reason, I said yes.

They had a guest speaker this morning, and it was when he got up to preach that I realized Why I Was There.

We had Easter (we call it "Resurrection") Sunday last week. I went to my parent's church then, also, but I was really cranky and in a bad mood that morning. But I remember standing there last week, reading the apostle's creed in unison with everyone, and thinking, "Do I really believe this?"
Because from the outside, it sounds kind of absurd. Truth be told, I've never really been on the outside of it. It's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. So I took a step back last Sunday, and asked myself, "Do I believe this?"

And the answer was Yes.

Yes, I believe it all. God, Jesus, the cross, the resurrection , the Holy Spirit, Heaven, all of it. It's too integral for me to think of it as untrue. It's my Life.

But lately...well, quite frankly, I've been better. If you're one of those few souls who regularly read this blog, maybe you've noticed it. I try to be optimistic (but honest) in my posts, but lately, I've really been wrestling. And I'd be lying if I said I haven't been struggling somewhat with my faith. The thing is, though, I don't doubt whether God exists. I don't doubt that Jesus came, died, and rose again.

When I doubt, it's a nagging frustration--a feeling that somehow, God is holding out on me. I doubt his heart. I doubt His goodness, that He cares about me.

When I say it like that, it almost sounds worse than doubting His existence. Because haven't I seen His work in my life time & time again? Hasn't He provided for me? Led me, taught me, comforted me? I'm as bad as the Israelites of the Old Testament, forgetting the great rescues & victories God provided, and turning to idols to meet their needs.

So, this morning: the speaker, a professor at Geneva, starts speaking about Thomas the disciple and his doubt. Something clicks, and I know I need to pay attention. I know this is why I've forsaken my bed and shown up. Doubt is something we all face, to varying degrees. We give Thomas a bad rap, because he didn't take the rest of the disciples' word for it that Jesus was alive. But didn't they all wrestle with doubt those first couple days? Resurrection seemed impossible, despite all the miracles they'd seen. He'd given them every reason to expect it--even raised people from the dead right in front of them. They still couldn't see it.

I'm no different. I've been blinded by my own circumstances once again. And, I've grown cynical and somewhat bitter lately.

In an effort to combat the hardening of my heart, I've turned once again to the writings of John Eldredge, which have steadied and softened my heart many, many times over the past decade. I picked up "Desire" (formerly titled "The Journey of Desire") and have been rereading it the past week. And once again, he's nailed me. Out of my frustration, I have been trying to bury my desires and kill my heart, because I just can't stand to be disappointed any more. But that doesn't work. Desire won't be denied; and it begins to crop up in other areas if we don't learn how to live with it. And we must, because God made us to desire--but He also made us so that our desires are only ultimately fulfilled in Him.

Life, Eldredge says, is both a Battle and a Journey.

I've been feeling the battle part lately. But instead of fighting back, I've been hunkered down in a foxhole, trying to ignore the fire raining down all around me.

I don't have it figured out yet. I'm not suddenly "all better." In fact, if anything, I've been more aware of own humble state lately. I've been a Christian for so long that extraordinary things seem ordinary to me. My senses are becoming dull. My heart's grown hard. I've been looking to other things to fill me. But no more. Without wanting to sound ultra-Christiany about it (as if an ultra-Christian would admit to doubting like this anyway!), I need to turn back to God. That sounds so religious, it almost puts me off. But...I can't delay this any longer.


So, I'm on a journey now--to get my heart back. Here I go.

Something Serious

I had been going to write about something completely different earlier this week. Fluff, really. I was going to blog about my Girls Night last weekend and going to see "27 Dresses," and how Chick Flicks have shaped the way I look at romance.

Instead, I'm going to dial it back some.

There's something big going on at my church. Something serious. We're trying to leave the Presbyterian Church (USA) denomination...and join the Evangelical Presbyterian Church, instead.

The problem is: they won't let us.

Now, I studied Religion and Philosophy in college. But I have never been a Church Politics buff. When people start talking about the "Book of Order" I begin to glaze over. I know that rules are important for a lot of things. Without Order, there is Chaos and all that. Still, Rules are not a substitute for Morality. In the wrong hands, rules can just become a puzzle for corrupt people in power to manipulate how they see fit. That's Tyrrany.

We live in a culture of Revolution. It began hundreds of years ago, in my opinion, with the American Revolution. Since then, it's been somehow ingrained and inbred into our psyches. There is an innate idea that if a system of government is corrupt, then we should throw it off and start anew.

I don't know what it is exactly (though I doubt it's any one thing) but this current generation seems even more inclined to revolution than some of the past. It's like there is a natural distrust of authority. I can relate to that, somewhat. I don't like being told what to do, either. But it's more than that. Everywhere you look, you see examples of people who think They Know Better. Especially young adults--and that's praised by the media.

I am NOT saying that revolution is wrong. All I'm saying is that revolution for rebellion's sake IS wrong. Because we are emeshed in a culture that glorifies the lone rebel, we ought to think long and hard about the battles we wage.

I relate all that to say, I think my church and its staff and members have thought long and hard. We've prayed hard. We've sought counsel from the outside. It wasn't an easy choice. We didn't do it just to be edgy and rebellious. We're trying to be faithful--and that will always cause a backlash. The truth is, this was always going to be hard.

The thing that I regret, the thing that frustrates me, is that some people seem to be taking this very personally. Not only that, but a lot of assumptions have been made that we're splitting off because of homosexuals. Which is completely, utterly ridiculous. The issue here is not gays--but that's the political hot-button, so that's what makes news.

But the bigness of this thing is causing problems, and conflict. Not so much within us; it's an outside kind of conflict. I mean, getting lawyers and courts involved--seriously. That's BIG. And it' all happening right here, at MY church, where I'm a member, AND part of the staff.

So, if you would, take a moment to pray for my church and the staff...I'd appreciate it.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Well, folks, it’s time for the update. Everyone seems to be asking me what’s going on with me lately. And for once, I actually have an answer. A good one.


1) One month from today, I will be the pleased-and-proud tenant of my very own apartment. Why is this big news? Because I’ve been living at home since I graduated from college. But now, I will be liberated!! Well…sorta. The aforementioned apartment is actually attached to a house that—you guessed it—my family will be living in. But the apartment will be all mine, the lease in my name, and I’ll have the joyous (?) responsibility of paying its rent and utilities. Yay me!

Now, none of that would be possible without God. Seriously. The very reason I’ve been living with my folks so long is because the rent is so cheap. But God has provided me with a new job. Which brings me to my second bit of news.

2) I have a new job! I’m still at the Pregnancy Care Centers, and the coffee shop (at least for now), but as of today I am employed by my church, Memorial Park Presbyterian. As what? I’m so glad you asked! I will be the new Interim Worship Leader for Community Worship, the “modern” Saturday night service that I’ve been volunteering with for the last year and a half.

And with these two new responsibilities, I feel like a whole new chapter of my life is opening up. It is both exciting and terrifying simultaneously.

The new apartment—I’m ecstatic about! I can’t wait to get in there and decorate it all my way, and (slowly) buy all the things I need. The packing, moving, and unpacking…that I’m not too wild about.

The new job…I am also excited about, but in a more humbled, nervous, awed way. If you think of it, I could use prayer for it. Often. It is going to be challenging…but in a good, growing way. And after all…it’s interim. As in, temporary until we hire a Worship Pastor for the church, and then to be re-evaluated.

Okay, wow…so that’s like the whole thing. Now you know. SO…if you have any advice—on worship, or owning an apartment—leave me a comment! Or say whatever you want. I’m cool with that. Later! :)

It Takes More

(Disclaimer: This is destined, I am sure, to be only the first of many posts on this subject. You are free to agree or disagree and post your comments, but please be courteous.)

Tonight I watched the movie “Kingdom of Heaven,” which deals with the crusades. I was curious to see what side of it they would represent. Instead of going too much into what I really thought of the movie, I’d rather talk about something that sort of struck me as I watched, something that tied in with another topic I’ve been wanting to post about anyway.

In the movie, as in history, of course, you have two armies fighting each other for the same reason: the claim of the Holy Land, and for “God.” While some might argue that the Christian God and the god of Islam are the same, I am not one of those people. But on the side of the “Christians” (and while some Christians were actually portrayed with some integrity, the majority, as usual, were not) there were many who believed that marching on the Saracens under the Cross was God’s will and meant they could not fail. To say otherwise was blasphemy.

It takes more than a Cross to make a Christian.

It takes more than a symbol to make worthy a cause.

It takes more than singing the right songs, reading the bible, staying away from R-rated movies, joining bible studies, going to church every Sunday, not cussing, reading every Max Lucado* book that comes out (but never, ever reading any Harry Potter book!), volunteering, not smoking or drinking, or any other list of “do”s and “don’t”s you can think of.

I’m not sure when exactly I realized this, but it has made a big difference to me. To be a Christian of course involves personal sacrifice, giving up comfort, serving others, and doing the right thing. But we have made those things the standard of Christianity, not the fruit. These things develop naturally out of a relationship with God, not the other way around. Following a list of Do’s and Don’t’s doesn’t necessarily make you closer to God. Just ask the Pharisees of Jesus’ day.

Truthfully, it bothers me that much of Christianity has been reduced to following this list. One of the things that ought to set us apart from every other religion in the world is that we don’t have to work for our salvation. We were given it as a gift, and it is out of gratitude that we serve God. It is out of his overflow of love into our hearts that we help the needy. It is out of respect for Him that we eliminate things in our lives which are not pleasing—and this doesn’t look the same for everyone!!!

Some people he calls at times to give up TV. Others he calls to write for or act in shows on TV which Christians may not even watch because it offends them. Because being a Christian literally means being a follower of Christ, we have to look at it as a journey. We often call our spiritual life our “walk” but then live as though it is a regimen. We all know deep down the cliché, “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship.” But we don’t really live like that because it is hard. It is risky.

I know I’m generalizing. And I keep saying “we.” I’m just reflecting on what I’ve seen so far in my life. It takes more than staying in line to make us like Christ. And it takes more than a bunch of people showing up on Sunday to make a Church.

But more on that later. 

*I actually enjoy many of Mr. Lucado's writings, and did not intend to offend anyone by suggesting he is not a thoughtful writer. I do, however, take issue with his uber-popularity among Christians.

Community Worship

Last night a woman asked me for my autograph.

Not because of my writing. Because of my music.

I am not a “musician.” My friend Brianne? She’s a musician. But I like to play the guitar, and I like to sing. And because of those to interests (notice which one came first) I volunteer in my church’s worship band a couple times a month. Sometimes more.

We have a contemporary service on Saturday night called “Community Worship” (link just added on the right). I like being a part of it, getting to teach new songs to the congregation. (After singing and playing them at least once a week for four consecutive years, I am little tired of songs like “Holiness,” “Open the Eyes of My Heart,” and the especially overplayed “Better is one Day.”)

Anyway, this week, there was a problem with the schedule: a shortage of vocalists. So since I was already scheduled to play guitar, Alycia (the Coordinator of CW schedules and one of the worship leaders) asked me to also be a vocalist. I normally sing when I play; I have a microphone in front of me. But it is harmony. Even when I sing the melody, there are usually at least two other voices singing with me. You can’t really her me. I know this because my family has complained, “We can’t hear you!”

A woman who also plays the bass was going to do vocals as well. But she, too, usually does the harmony part. And we are both altos. So you can see this was going to be tricky. It ended up that we both sang lead on different songs…but I did the majority. At first I was a little annoyed. I like singing harmony. But then I thought, maybe it is a bit too much in my comfort zone.

In practice I was relatively fine. No big. And in my room…well, I usually belt it out there anyway. But it is a completely different thing when there is a microphone in front of you, and a monitor pointed in your direction so you can actually hear yourself, exactly as you sound. Add in an audience and…you get a bundle of nerves. At least, I did. I was a basket case before we started. I’m always a little nervous, because I don’t want to screw up. And just so you know, it takes coordination to sing and play guitar. Rock stars make it look easy, but it’s not.

I think I mentioned earlier that I like to sing. I do. I’m not someone you would hear and go, “Wow! Someone get her a recording contract!” but I’m also not someone you hear and go, “Is a dog dying somewhere nearby?” Still, I had no choice. I had to usher the congregation into worship. I took a breath, closed my eyes, and let it out.

Afterward, I had people tell me we sounded good. Note the “we,” that’s important. A leader without a band is just…lonely. And the woman who asked for my autograph? No, it wasn’t my mom. But it was a friend of mine. And she really did make me sign a piece of paper.

I guess the point could be that it’s good to stretch yourself; that it’s good to get out of your comfort zone. Or not to care too much what “everyone” thinks. But actually, there is no moral here. Sorry. I just wanted to tell the story of how I had to sing at CW. That there were people actually listening to my voice and they didn’t boo or leave or throw rotten fruit. You can be told that you’re okay at something, even that you’re good, by people. But when they’re family or friends, I think we all just kinda go “yeah, right” in the back of our minds. Even if the person is a ferociously truthful person. But until you go through a public trial, you never really know.

And so I’m still waiting to be asked for my autograph in my novel.

Singleness

This morning I went to church with my parents. Usually I go on Saturday nights, to Community Worship at Memorial Park. But my dad recently got a job at North park Church, and they wanted to introduce him to the congregation. And he wanted the family to be there. No problem. My brother Kyle and I showed up (thankfully) right on time and took a seat. I was looking kinda cute—at least, I was wearing a blouse, skirt and heels, which is a bit of a stretch for a jeans-and-tee girl like me.

So they go through the announcements and a testimony and a couple of songs and finally ask my parents to go to the front. My dad says he was nervous, but it didn’t show. He was cracking jokes and keeping everyone’s attention. And then he decided to introduce us, his “adult children.” Kyle and I politely stood to say hi to everyone. And then he said it: “And they’re both single.” I sat down immediately. The congregation erupted into laughter.

It’s not that I minded or that I was even mad; it’s more of the label that bothers me. “Single.” Alone. Unpaired. Yeah, okay, so I’m single. Really single.

And if you know me, or if you have read my profile, you know that I’m twenty-six. Twenty-six and single. Is that as depressing as it sounds? I have other friends from college in the same boat. Even a couple that are still living at home, like me. (If you read my earlier posts about jobs it should be abundantly clear that I do not make enough to afford rent and other utilities.)

Most of the time I don’t mind being single. I’ve lived with it for a long time. I like my independence. But I happen to be an incurable romantic. If you look at my favorite movies list, you’ll see a few chick flicks in there. I have more. I am a SAP. When I watch movie and TV shows, I hope that the main characters fall in love and find happiness by then end. I’m a “shipper:” I root for certain couples to get and/or stay together. (Sidebar: some of my favorites include: Sydney and Vaughn from Alias; Bright and Hannah from Everwood; Sun and Jin from Lost; Harry and Ginny, and Ron and Hermione from Harry Potter; and Han and Leia from Star Wars.)

The Point: My Independence and my Hopeless Romantic-ness are quite often at odd with each other. Yes, I’d like to find someone and settle down. Yes, I’d like to get married and have a few kids someday. But I’m afraid I have too many unrealistic expectations planted in my head by my favorite sappy movies. I’m also afraid that some of the standards and things I’m looking for in a guy just aren’t ever going to come together. Deep down I think I do believe that there is a guy out there suited for me just as I am for him, whether or not he happens to be a Scottish, guitar-playing, intellectual, funny, adventurous Christian man. But some days it just seems like I’ll be stuck being labeled “single” forever. It wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to me, but it’s not what I’m hoping for.

But don’t you dare recommend E-harmony to me.